OP -
I agree with some of the PPs. If it is an abusive family then you are better off not associating with them.

On the other hand, if you or your DH are at fault here and can't stand your ILs - even then it is better that you minimize interactions with them.

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is apparently the only one who has his head screwed on straight. When his family takes notice of him it only emphasizes their own shortcomings and jealousy results. Therefore its easier to keep him away. It's not him, it's them! Do yourself a favor and honor that! Of course there will always be an emotional piece in him that wants to be loved and accepted by the one group of people you'd think should love and accept him - but obviously there are issue that extend too deep.

Cultivate a family life within your own marriage and children if you have them. Reach out to your family to provide the group dynamic that you won't get from his family. And as hard as it is, just distance yourselves.

+1

Your husband is apparently the only one who has his head screwed on straight. When his family takes notice of him it only emphasizes their own shortcomings and jealousy results. Therefore its easier to keep him away. It's not him, it's them! Do yourself a favor and honor that! Of course there will always be an emotional piece in him that wants to be loved and accepted by the one group of people you'd think should love and accept him - but obviously there are issue that extend too deep.

Cultivate a family life within your own marriage and children if you have them. Reach out to your family to provide the group dynamic that you won't get from his family. And as hard as it is, just distance yourselves.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Sorry, tired. I'll try again. DH is often left out of his large family.

One example might be that he is left out of family gatherings such as family (MIL) birthday dinners. Another example is that he has been left out of vacations with the family. Everyone is invited except him.

Would this bother you? What more information do you need?

No, it sounds like he should be grateful to have a reason not to attend by not being invited. I can't imagine you really want to spend a week at the beach with those people. Tell him he has a family now that loves him & he should focus on that.

Anonymous wrote:A couple of thoughts. It sounds like your DH wants and wants and expects that one magical day his family will include him and respect him and love him and be a functional and equal and great family. That's the dream of all abused kids and kids from dysfunctional families but it is the magical dream that will never come true. Every single holiday and every single vacation there is an up and down cycle in dysfunctional families of expectation, huge crash, and, depression. The only thing that your husband can change about his family and about this cycle is himself. He needs to get off the crazy train. Mom sounds manipulative or insensitive or crazy, the sibs are abusive. It's time to make your own family traditions. Why vacation with them at all? Why look for invitations? Why go if invited?

OMG! You nailed this on the head! This was me for a very long time. The bolded sentence especially. As I got older I skipped the expectation/huge crash phase and just became depressed over the holiday/vacation/birthday. Once I left my family of origin, it took a long time to re-condition myself. It's hard to do but your advice is spot on and the only thing that works. You can't change anyone else but you can change your expectations and how you react.

OP, I don't find your posts confusing, but that may be due to the familiarity of the situation you're describing. I'm in your DH's position. Did a lot for my family. When I made it clear that I wouldn't continue if abusive behavior continued, that was, of course, the signal for abusive behavior to escalate.

Their manipulative communications continue, but I've gotten to a place that poster at 6:22 describes: I've let go and (mostly) don't care.

Your husband has to let go. And you do, too. His family's not going to change. What helped me was - well, therapy - but also recognizing how much what I wanted them to be was clouding my judgment. -Not just regarding family, but generally. Holding on to what I wanted family to be also meant holding on to their dysfunctional world views that had shaped my childhood.

It's hard to let go, but you and your husband will be so much happier eventually, and you'll see things differently, once you do.

Anonymous wrote:A couple of thoughts. It sounds like your DH wants and wants and expects that one magical day his family will include him and respect him and love him and be a functional and equal and great family. That's the dream of all abused kids and kids from dysfunctional families but it is the magical dream that will never come true. Every single holiday and every single vacation there is an up and down cycle in dysfunctional families of expectation, huge crash, and, depression. The only thing that your husband can change about his family and about this cycle is himself. He needs to get off the crazy train. Mom sounds manipulative or insensitive or crazy, the sibs are abusive. It's time to make your own family traditions. Why vacation with them at all? Why look for invitations? Why go if invited?

+1 A good therapist could help him figure things out.

^^^^^ Exactly what PP wrote. Your husband needs to get to a place where he just doesn't care and just doesn't expect to be invited. Sounds like his family is quite dysfunctional. Perhaps some time with a therapist might help your Dh let go of any expectations and to move on. These are not people you want to hang around with or go on vacation with.

A couple of thoughts. It sounds like your DH wants and wants and expects that one magical day his family will include him and respect him and love him and be a functional and equal and great family. That's the dream of all abused kids and kids from dysfunctional families but it is the magical dream that will never come true. Every single holiday and every single vacation there is an up and down cycle in dysfunctional families of expectation, huge crash, and, depression. The only thing that your husband can change about his family and about this cycle is himself. He needs to get off the crazy train. Mom sounds manipulative or insensitive or crazy, the sibs are abusive. It's time to make your own family traditions. Why vacation with them at all? Why look for invitations? Why go if invited?

OP,

Your posts are very confusing.

If your DH's sibling can't go to a family gathering like a birthday dinner, then your MIL doesn't invite him to go.

He has some "abusive" siblings that he doesn't do favors for anymore.

I think if he doesn't get invited to family events, you're probably better off. I would not be hurt for him.

Then they are total assholes. It's easy for me to say forget about them, but you should dismiss them.

OP again. Sorry, tired. I'll try again. DH is often left out of his large family.

One example might be that he is left out of family gatherings such as family (MIL) birthday dinners. Another example is that he has been left out of vacations with the family. Everyone is invited except him.

Would this bother you? What more information do you need?

I'm so confused.

DH is sometimes deliberately left out of family gatherings. This is especially true if the "favored one" (not DH) can not attend. In other words, MIL seems to be subconsciously relaying (in her age without filter) - "If (favored one) can't make it, then I won't be happy, so no one will be happy..."

In other words, MIL feigns ignorance or uses selective reaction when it does not suit her, but if it does not suit DH, it is overlooked.

DH has done a lot for his family. He has one or two abusive siblings, and tries to please them, to no avail. He has given up trying - boy did crap hit the fan when that happened! Anyway, they now have no "use" for DH, and DH (understandably) feels extremely slighted - but worse, hurt - after all he has done. He has refused to issue other familial favors (anything monetary goes outside the family, as DH learned family and business do not ever mix!).

There is a part of me that wants to make excuses for DH, as DH is out of excuses and is now simply hurt. I have always tried to stay out of it, as me being part of anything that existed before me (the favoritism, slighting, etc.), would just result in my being "to blame" somehow.

MIL pretends that the whole family is involved, when (she knows!!) DH was left out. I know I shouldn't care. Would you?