Anonymous wrote:Ok, so here's my advice:

Stop expecting ANYTHING from her. This way, you'll NEVER get let down.

Stop reaching out to her.

When she is around your daughter, you make the rules. PERIOD.

Invest your time and efforts into those people that actually matter. She doesn't.

Please remember that you cannot change her. But you can change how you THINK about her and how you let your dislike for her effect you.

This is all coming from 6 years of not-so-great interactions with my MIL and SIL. I feel much better now that I have emotionally separated myself from them. I'm polite and respectful and that's where it begins and ends. This "new" attitude has rescued me from feeling the way you do now.

And, FWIW, this might sound silly, but I prayed about it too. I often found myself HATING them both and it was very taxing. I believe the prayers helped as well.

Wow, I had to double-check if I actually wrote this myself. Agree with everything this PP said.

You contradict yourself in your post. First, you say you don't want her around your baby, but then you point out that she has only seen your baby 6 times in 9 months.

So what's the problem? You don't want her around your baby, but you won't be happy unless she tries to come around a lot and see your baby?

For someone who has only been around your child a handful of times, you have an irrational hatred toward her. If the issue is truly concern for your child, then you should be thrilled that she doesn't come around a lot.

Anonymous wrote:It's the worst! I wish I could lighten up and I have tried. Really tried... I call, text, and email and she never responds. She flat out ignores all my efforts and why should I let her see my daughter when she is so rude to me?

The simple answer is that she is also your husband's daughter. Your husband can let his sister see his daughter; it's not all about you. Just bow out of the relationship. Be civil and pleasant on holidays or whenever you must see your SIL, but otherwise let your husband visit his sister with the baby as often as he wants. He's dad, you can trust him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really feel for you. I feel this way about my adult stepdaughter. Half the time I'm furious that she hasn't bothered to try to have a relationship with her baby brother. And then when she claims she wants to spend time with him, I have to bottle up this feeling of rage and frustration because the truth is that I don't want her to have any kind of influence on him, from her smoking now and hurting his little lungs to infecting him with her entitlement, racism, and bad attitude when he is older.

I too, pray about it. And occasionally confess here what I can't say in real life.

Great point, PP. Its almost as if you are tormenting yourself... going back and forth between the two extreme opposite ends of feeling towards someone. It can be tough, OP, but it'll get better. You just have to make the decision to focus on what really matters.

Slacker in laws are the worst. Its so hurtful because it would be so wonderful if she were, actually, a fun SIL and super-auntie, right? Well, since this is most likely not ever going to happen, you should save yourself the energy and shift it to something else.

Good luck, OP!

Anonymous wrote:I really feel for you. I feel this way about my adult stepdaughter. Half the time I'm furious that she hasn't bothered to try to have a relationship with her baby brother. And then when she claims she wants to spend time with him, I have to bottle up this feeling of rage and frustration because the truth is that I don't want her to have any kind of influence on him, from her smoking now and hurting his little lungs to infecting him with her entitlement, racism, and bad attitude when he is older.

I too, pray about it. And occasionally confess here what I can't say in real life.

Great point, PP. Its almost as if you are tormenting yourself... going back and forth between the two extreme opposite ends of feeling towards someone. It can be tough, OP, but it'll get better. You just have to make the decision to focus on what really matters.

Aside from smoking and wanting to hold the baby after a smoke, most of what you list is somewhat annoying. There's probably a lot more to the story, but the little you've shared doesn't give us any clue as to why you would hate your husband's sister. Let him meet up with her on his own. See her at family functions and be polite. Ask that she have a top layer blouse she wears while smoking but then removes before holding the baby.

I don't understand why you're making any kind of effort to interact with this person if she obviously doesn't want to interact with you.

And if I'm reading your post right, the baby in question is yours, not hers, so why on earth does she, a smoker, and rude to you into the bargain, get to hold the baby?

Put your foot down, lady. Mommy makes the rules.

I really feel for you. I feel this way about my adult stepdaughter. Half the time I'm furious that she hasn't bothered to try to have a relationship with her baby brother. And then when she claims she wants to spend time with him, I have to bottle up this feeling of rage and frustration because the truth is that I don't want her to have any kind of influence on him, from her smoking now and hurting his little lungs to infecting him with her entitlement, racism, and bad attitude when he is older.

I too, pray about it. And occasionally confess here what I can't say in real life.

PP thank you for your advice. I know I need to relax and let it go and like you said stop with the effort and have no expectations. Its just adjusting my mind set I guess that is the problem. It is so taxing hating her.

Ok, so here's my advice:

Stop expecting ANYTHING from her. This way, you'll NEVER get let down.

Stop reaching out to her.

When she is around your daughter, you make the rules. PERIOD.

Invest your time and efforts into those people that actually matter. She doesn't.

Please remember that you cannot change her. But you can change how you THINK about her and how you let your dislike for her effect you.

This is all coming from 6 years of not-so-great interactions with my MIL and SIL. I feel much better now that I have emotionally separated myself from them. I'm polite and respectful and that's where it begins and ends. This "new" attitude has rescued me from feeling the way you do now.

And, FWIW, this might sound silly, but I prayed about it too. I often found myself HATING them both and it was very taxing. I believe the prayers helped as well.

You both complained that she never sees your daughter and said you don't want her around your daughter.

It's the worst! I wish I could lighten up and I have tried. Really tried... I call, text, and email and she never responds. She flat out ignores all my efforts and why should I let her see my daughter when she is so rude to me?

Me too I feel your pain!

Lighten up. It seems like you are spending a lot of energy hating her. Let. It. Go.

She is rude, trashy and I just don't want her around my baby. She ignores me and barely talks to me unless it is about her. She tells me what I am doing wrong with my daughter and she has no kids. She thinks she is an expert on children because she has friends that have kids and she talks about them constantly.... like I care. She lives very close to us and has seen my baby maybe 6 times in 9 months. My husband obviously loves his sister and wants to spend more time with her. I have NO desire to be around her and don't want her around my child. She smokes cigarettes and wants to hold her and it really upsets me. She knows this and continues to try to hold her. My husband knows how I feel and it really upsets him but he knows that it is a 2 way street and she hasn't exactly tried to get close to me. He said he would spend time with his sister with out me... go to lunch, brunch, etc. and take the baby so she could see her. I know I am crazy but I just really don't want her around my daughter. How do I snap out of this mind set and get over it. Yes she is trashy, smokes, is rude and obnoxious but I have to get over this. Its his sister but I seriously don't think I can. Anyone been through this and have some advice for me?