Anonymous wrote:In the "Can I be happy without marriage?" thread, a woman was saying that she doesn't want marriage, but wants a longterm, monogomous relationship.
Someone told her she would never find that because:

"Men are basically not monogamous which is why so many men cheat within their marriage - but nonetheless marriage has an expectation of fidelity which inhibits men to some degree. But without that constraint, most men would not view monogamy as an obligation no matter what understanding you think you may have in a relationship outside of marriage especially if there is no expectation of marriage down the line."

As a man, would you say this is a true statement?
Are men more likely to be faithful in a marriage and less likely to be faithful outside of a marriage?

If monogamy were gender-based, then we could conclude all women to be faithful and all men to stray. Since that is not true, your statement immediately falls apart.

There is truth that marriage – the psychological force behind knowing you have someone, legally – makes people tend to stop trying. Thus, monogamy starts to fail because the man goes from a 6-pack to a few spare tires. The woman goes from dressing sexy to crocs.

The transition from exciting and nice looking to pure boring makes others look more enticing. And the cycle starts again.

Anonymous wrote:Women are almost as likely to cheat as men.

I would venture to say "HOT" women more so!

I'm female, but I actually think I'd be LESS likely to cheat in a long-term non-marriage relationship.

If not married, I always have the idea that I can leave. If I want to stray that badly, I will leave. If not, at least the idea that I COULD leave makes it more bearable - like I have control over the situation and have options if I really want them. In a marriage, I feel "stuck" with the "til death do us part" thing. Since I "can't" get out (using quotes because I know I can, it's just a lot harder and more painful), it's a lot more tempting to get a little on the side.

Yes, I know it's a fucked up way of thinking. But I had a couple of long-term relationships, including several years with DH before we married, and never cheated until after we tied the knot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's 2014; commitment in relationships is near non-existent nowadays for men AND women. Stop believing everything Walt Disney tells you about relationships.

Expecting a monogomous relationship is considered "believing everything Walt Disney tells you about relationships"?

Yes that "happily ever after" bullshit is a pipe dream - look at the majority of the posts in the Relationship Discussion Forum, what's the overwhelming piece of advice given...

Divorce.

That's the thing though. The woman doesn't want marriage. She wants a longterm relationship because she realized that 'happily ever after' doesn't exist.
Expecting a romantic/sexual partner to be emotionally/physically monogomous is a separate issue all together. It's also not an unreasonable expectation that a person stay faithful for the duration of the relationship...however long that might be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's 2014; commitment in relationships is near non-existent nowadays for men AND women. Stop believing everything Walt Disney tells you about relationships.

Expecting a monogomous relationship is considered "believing everything Walt Disney tells you about relationships"?

Yes that "happily ever after" bullshit is a pipe dream - look at the majority of the posts in the Relationship Discussion Forum, what's the overwhelming piece of advice given...

Divorce.

Anonymous wrote:Among my friends' marriages, it was women who were unfaithful and left much more often than the men. And for good reasons. They were unhappy in their marriages, their attempts to address the issues weren't working. They are all happier now and their ex-husbands may be also, at least in some of those situations. Interestingly, most of these were couples with little arguing.

And... why couldn't they leave before the affair, did they need a man to pay their bills?

Among my friends' marriages, it was women who were unfaithful and left much more often than the men. And for good reasons. They were unhappy in their marriages, their attempts to address the issues weren't working. They are all happier now and their ex-husbands may be also, at least in some of those situations. Interestingly, most of these were couples with little arguing.

Women are almost as likely to cheat as men.

I'm a man, and I've also been married twice. My answer is "no". A ring or wedding license or some words said at a ceremony are not what makes for fidelity, or a marriage for that matter. That kind of thinking - that appeal to external authority - is - at best - juvenile.

Some people never get very much past age 12 in terms of emotional maturity their entire lives They tend to be the fearful ones, subservient to authority and craving an external power structure: rigid religiosity, love for authoritarian governance - LE, military, and big on punishment as a motivator.

These are the fools who imagine that having a piece of paper or swearing an oath before $deity will "make" someone be "true" and "love" them.

Fidelity is something you choose to do every day because you choose to do it - the power and responsibility rest entirely within the individual - not some external power or pressure.

Also: there is jack-all that is "new" or "special" or particularly degenerate about human sexuality and relationships today in 2014. If you believe that your great grandparents generation were any less nasty, any less adulterous, any less kinky, any less gay, then you're seriously deluding yourself. None of us likes to imagine our parents as sexual beings, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. A shit-ton of infidelity has gone on since the dawn of time, women and men.

Men that will be faithful in a marriage are going to be faithful in a monogamous relationship.

There are good men out there that can keep a promise without the govt. getting involved and there are assholes who will cheat no matter what.

Conversely, Women that would be faithful in a marriage are going to be be faithful in a monogamous relationship.

There are good women out there that can keep a promise.... (you get the point)

I would like to point out that men/women are more likely to dump you back onto your children (if they are not also his/her children) when you are ill in your old age without a marital commitment.

Anonymous wrote:It's 2014; commitment in relationships is near non-existent nowadays for men AND women. Stop believing everything Walt Disney tells you about relationships.

Expecting a monogomous relationship is considered "believing everything Walt Disney tells you about relationships"?

It's 2014; commitment in relationships is near non-existent nowadays for men AND women. Stop believing everything Walt Disney tells you about relationships.

Yes.

Anonymous wrote:In the "Can I be happy without marriage?" thread, a woman was saying that she doesn't want marriage, but wants a longterm, monogomous relationship.
Someone told her she would never find that because:

"Men are basically not monogamous which is why so many men cheat within their marriage - but nonetheless marriage has an expectation of fidelity which inhibits men to some degree. But without that constraint, most men would not view monogamy as an obligation no matter what understanding you think you may have in a relationship outside of marriage especially if there is no expectation of marriage down the line."

As a man, would you say this is a true statement?
Are men more likely to be faithful in a marriage and less likely to be faithful outside of a marriage?

I know as a woman I feel this way, so I assume I would feel this way as a man as well.

In the "Can I be happy without marriage?" thread, a woman was saying that she doesn't want marriage, but wants a longterm, monogomous relationship.
Someone told her she would never find that because:

"Men are basically not monogamous which is why so many men cheat within their marriage - but nonetheless marriage has an expectation of fidelity which inhibits men to some degree. But without that constraint, most men would not view monogamy as an obligation no matter what understanding you think you may have in a relationship outside of marriage especially if there is no expectation of marriage down the line."

As a man, would you say this is a true statement?
Are men more likely to be faithful in a marriage and less likely to be faithful outside of a marriage?