So you're prioritizing the grandfather over your marriage and your relationship?

You sound noble, and well-intentioned, I suppose, but I really wonder about the wife's perspective on this.

There are other ways to ensure that the grandfather is cared for, that don't jeopardize your marriage.

Is it possible that you are really hurting your wife, not taking her concerns seriously, not considering other solutions, etc...?

I love my family, but I also want my own life. And I want to build my own family, with my own traditions, with my husband. If your wife has been putting that off for a decade and now faces the prospect of finally fulfilling those dreams, but faces a husband who is standing in the way and painting her as this horrible person while doing so, that sounds pretty tough to me.

OP, if the grandfather took you in, then was he living on his own before that? If so, what happened in the last 10 years that has caused his income to decrease?

When you move, can you time it so that the lease is up, and grandpa can find a more affordable place?

I understand your concern for grandpa, but your wife probably feels like you moving into your own house is the beginning of your life together, on your own.

Once you have established if grandpa wants to move with you, there are many houses that have in-law suites or can be converted easily. SO that you have the privacy your wife would like, the proximity you would like and perhaps the independence granddad would like. How old is granddad? Is he still working? What kind of a separate social life does he have?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you purchase your new house, could you convert the basement to a living space for her grandfather? That way he would be under the same roof, but with more separation. And if he's sleeping in the basement and you guys are on the second floor, that could solve the sex issue.

Yes, perhaps a compromise solution that would satisfy your wife and your concerns about her grandfather's living circumstances would be the best approach.

I can understand the worries about what would happen to you if you were somehow incapacitated that your wife's reaction provokes. It really sounds like there must be more to her position than simply unhappiness with her grandfather's kitchen habits and his views about diversity. Maybe she's not consciously aware of all of her reasons?

Have you had a talk with your wife that bluntly framed the move in these terms: she's moved into her grandfather's apartment for her benefit (his as well, no doubt) for a lengthy period of time, and now she's moving on for her benefit, but, apparently, to his detriment? After all, he's now 10 years older, and probably in a more vulnerable position due to his more advanced age.

Your wife sounds selfish and entitled. Let's use grandpa when it is convenient and then leave without a thought when he is no longer necessary. I would be worried if I were you…she sounds like a piece of work.

Anonymous wrote:When you purchase your new house, could you convert the basement to a living space for her grandfather? That way he would be under the same roof, but with more separation. And if he's sleeping in the basement and you guys are on the second floor, that could solve the sex issue.

Yes, perhaps a compromise solution that would satisfy your wife and your concerns about her grandfather's living circumstances would be the best approach.

I can understand the worries about what would happen to you if you were somehow incapacitated that your wife's reaction provokes. It really sounds like there must be more to her position than simply unhappiness with her grandfather's kitchen habits and his views about diversity. Maybe she's not consciously aware of all of her reasons?

Have you had a talk with your wife that bluntly framed the move in these terms: she's moved into her grandfather's apartment for her benefit (his as well, no doubt) for a lengthy period of time, and now she's moving on for her benefit, but, apparently, to his detriment? After all, he's now 10 years older, and probably in a more vulnerable position due to his more advanced age.

Maybe Grandpa wants to stay in his own house!

Listen to your wife. It is her family you are talking about. Go focus on your life with *her* without any relatives around for awhile. See what that is even like before you turn it down for another ten years.

Question: Does grandpa want to move with you? You may be surprised.

Another thought: Abandoning grandpa may not be legal if your name is on the lease.

When you purchase your new house, could you convert the basement to a living space for her grandfather? That way he would be under the same roof, but with more separation. And if he's sleeping in the basement and you guys are on the second floor, that could solve the sex issue.

Any chance she may agree to a duplex? That way you both have your own spaces but share the costs?

Anonymous wrote:Can you agree with your spouse that you're willing to see how it goes with her grandfather on his own, as long as she's willing to have him live with you if it doesn't work out?

As part of this conversation, you'd probably want to agree on what it means to "work out" (or not work out).

It would probably also be a good idea to discuss which aspects of having him around are hardest on your spouse, and how those could be addressed.

For example -- does she want kids, and does having her grandfather around stand in the way of that (either b/c it makes it harder to have sex/conceive or because he would be using the potential future child's room)?

I don't know how old y'all are, but if youve been married 10 years, and she wants kids, and grandpa is an obstacle to that, I can see her being pretty determined to have your own place before her biological clock runs out of time.

Good advice, thanks. I will really keep this in mind.

We're in our mid-30's and both want kids. My wife does love her grandpa but she just wants us to have an opportunity to raise them on our own, which I understand. He is a little "old school" with some of his views and she doesn't want him projecting some of his views on our kids. We're both black, and he's from the Jim Crow south and can be kind of grouchy about non-blacks. We don't want our kids going to school with bad notions about Whites, Asians, Latinos etc.

It is also a space issue as well, with the bedroom. His presence sometimes interrupts our sex life but I think we still have sex more frequently than most people.

But even with all this in mind, my wife is really bullish about moving right away without taking his needs into account.

Can you agree with your spouse that you're willing to see how it goes with her grandfather on his own, as long as she's willing to have him live with you if it doesn't work out?

As part of this conversation, you'd probably want to agree on what it means to "work out" (or not work out).

It would probably also be a good idea to discuss which aspects of having him around are hardest on your spouse, and how those could be addressed.

For example -- does she want kids, and does having her grandfather around stand in the way of that (either b/c it makes it harder to have sex/conceive or because he would be using the potential future child's room)?

I don't know how old y'all are, but if youve been married 10 years, and she wants kids, and grandpa is an obstacle to that, I can see her being pretty determined to have your own place before her biological clock runs out of time.

Yes. My wife and I make decent money but didn't move several reasons, the principal one being that until recently, we both traveled overseas a lot for our jobs and never really had time. I changed jobs and my wife changed careers.

We live in a pretty mediocre apartment in DC. Neither of us care much about keeping up with the Jonses and basically are just looking to upgrade for more space.

I completely sympathise with your moral stance on this. The ingratitude is staggering!

Let me get this straight... you lived with her grandfather for 10 years?

Any help here would be appreciated.

My wife and I were married nearly a decade ago and have by all accounts a wonderful marriage. When we were married we had little to no money so we moved in with my wife's grandfather, who happily took us in. My wife is a very loving person, she has always been compassionate and works with young children for a living. After years of hard work we have gotten to the point where we can now afford to purchase our own home.

I have gotten attached to my wife's grandfather and want to bring him along with us, but my wife is totally against it. It is true that he said some weird kitchen habits, and is sometimes at home all the time which disrupts our sex life. But he doesn't make much money and I am nervous about making him find his own place. My wife says I underestimate him and he's totally capable of living on his own. He could not afford the apartment he lives in now without us chipping in on the rent. It would not be financially feasible for us to pay some of his rent and pay our own mortgage. I don't think he makes enough money to live on his own in DC and have tried to explain this to my wife. She won't have it.

Again, my wife is usually very loving and compassionate but I think she is being absolutely ruthless here. While I would prefer living alone with her, I couldn't live with myself if her grandfather was living in squalor. I also have developed a fear that if something bad happened to me and I could no longer provide for her she would act the same way to me.

I feel very trapped in this situation. I know a husband is in a way duty bound to stand behind his wife with these kids of family issues. However, I do not feel morally comfortable going along with her here.