Are you being unreasonable? Absolutely not. Similar situation for us. My husband said one time that his mom wanted us to meet her married one time. I can only imagine the look on my face because my husband very hastily said he would tell her that we wouldn't be meeting him.

OP, it's great to see that you and DH are 1) United and 2) Standing up to SMIL.

You are being 100% reasonable.

And let's be honest here--whether you like SMIL or not, don't feel sad or guilty if she starts holding a grudge. You don't want her adulterous behavior on display in your family home, and her silent treatment will ensure that her immature behavior will also stay away from your family home.

Anonymous wrote:Your house and your rules, especially if you and your husband are a united front.

I would not want to be this involved in any relative's business - i wouldn't want to know (especially if I'd said my piece already).

So I'd probably say something like "we would love to see you but are not interested in having him in our house. If that makes it impossible for you to visit us we would be very sorry but that's your choice."

I also think that if he was just coming to pick her up and never even entered my home I could live with that - my point would be made, the boundary would be drawn, and I wouldn't feel the need to push it any farther but that's your call.

The details of this other person's relationships and story seem like things you should just choose not to listen to, explore, discuss, or even consider. They aren't material to your world and it's none of your business. all that matters (and falls appropriately within your jurisdiction) is who is allowed in your home, and under what circumstances.

Yes I really wish she hadn't shared the details with me but she has and now I know more than I want to. I do not have any desire to accept this person into my immediate family. For her having him "just pick her up" really isn't an option in her life that means, come in have a glass of wine, get to know my children, maybe have lunch then leave. Bottom line is she is trying to force us to accept him into our family - I guess as a way to validate her relationship with him (not sure there?) but nevertheless we are not ready to bring this guy in.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like your DH has to reach out with some compassion to his mom. She was probably very, very lonely after her husband died. I am assuming they were together for many decades? It doesn't sound like you have much compassion for her situation. Has your DH been visiting her? Calling her regularly, helping her try to adjust? This is not to negate the red flag situation, but the situation is probably very complex and she sounds so sad.

This is not my DH's mother it is his fathers wife at the time of his death. They had been together for 20 years, involved in my DH's family but not instrumental in raising my DH as he was a young adult. DH's mother is still around and lives near us. We do speak and spend time with "step mom" regularly. It is complex and sad. DH and I are united but we also know from her past that she can hold a grudge for a long time. Last time we set boundaries with our young children she would not visit or speak to us for 2 YEARS! Part of me doesn't want this to happen as she is getting old but I do not want her drama in my life. At this point she is drawing the line in the sand and saying that we welcome him or no her. ARGH!!! Of course I have told her that her relationship with this man is hers not ours and if she is happy we are happy although I do not want to nor do I feel the need to welcome this guy into my home. So maybe I will just get what I ask for no him no drama! Really sad she is willing to diss her children and grandchildren for this.

I feel like your DH has to reach out with some compassion to his mom. She was probably very, very lonely after her husband died. I am assuming they were together for many decades? It doesn't sound like you have much compassion for her situation. Has your DH been visiting her? Calling her regularly, helping her try to adjust? This is not to negate the red flag situation, but the situation is probably very complex and she sounds so sad.

Your house and your rules, especially if you and your husband are a united front.

I would not want to be this involved in any relative's business - i wouldn't want to know (especially if I'd said my piece already).

So I'd probably say something like "we would love to see you but are not interested in having him in our house. If that makes it impossible for you to visit us we would be very sorry but that's your choice."

I also think that if he was just coming to pick her up and never even entered my home I could live with that - my point would be made, the boundary would be drawn, and I wouldn't feel the need to push it any farther but that's your call.

The details of this other person's relationships and story seem like things you should just choose not to listen to, explore, discuss, or even consider. They aren't material to your world and it's none of your business. all that matters (and falls appropriately within your jurisdiction) is who is allowed in your home, and under what circumstances.

OP here. OK S-MIL is claiming her "friend" did not "cheat" on his wife...huh? I am confused HE IS STILL MARRIED. Says he is separated at this point but because he says that he and his wife had "no relations" prior to her leaving, S-MIL claims he did not cheat.

Dear MIL,

We love and respect you. However, we do not co- sign on adultery and will not allow it to happen in our home and in front of our kids.
Peace Out!

I had a similar situation. I refused to interact or allow my children to interact withe married man. DH's family was pissed.

Anonymous wrote:
In theory, I wouldn't pass moral judgement so quickly on a relationship I do not have a first-hand account of. If I liked and respected my MIL, and trusted her judgement, then I would agree to meet any person she wanted to introduce to me.

However in practice, if I didn't like my MIL, then the suspected adultery would be an excellent pretext to not accommodate her.

I suspect you don't like your MIL anyway, and I support your decision.

17:03 here. That makes sense, though I would not want this person in my home or around my kids.

In theory, I wouldn't pass moral judgement so quickly on a relationship I do not have a first-hand account of. If I liked and respected my MIL, and trusted her judgement, then I would agree to meet any person she wanted to introduce to me.

However in practice, if I didn't like my MIL, then the suspected adultery would be an excellent pretext to not accommodate her.

I suspect you don't like your MIL anyway, and I support your decision.

Well, do you want a relationship with her or not?

I think you (or DH) might call her up and see what she has to say about the whole thing.

No.

No way I would interact with someone who is openly and unapologetically engaging in adultery.

Of course not it is about family values and morals.

My husband's father died two years ago. Within about 6months time his wife (step MIL) started dating online. She met a man who said he was legally separated who, of course, turned out to be very much married but, of course, "no relationship with wife for a long time and wife didn't live with him". Well, of course, wife very much lived with him but within the recent past (6 months) he says she has moved out because she caught him on social media dating sites. S-MIL has told me all about this guy sending red flags up to me many times over. She continues to see him in a long distance relationship. These people are in their early 70's!

S-MIL does not live locally but visit with us 2-3 times a year. We live about 1/2 way between her and her lover. She is very bothered by the fact that my husband and I have no desire to meet this guy or for this guy to meet our family. She is planning a visit to our house and in explaining her visit schedule she throws in that she has made plans for her lover to come to our house and pick her up to drive her up to his house for a visit with him. (last time she visited his place his wife was conveniently out of the country). After I clarified what she had just told me, I said to her that I do not want him at our home and really have no desire to meet him. After trying to convince me to meet him she became angry and said she was going to have to think about this, rethink her trip and get back to me. I tried to say that her relationship with him is just that and that we do not have to be a part of it.

In short order, I received an email informing me that she will not be visiting as long as I feel this way about her lover and that I am being unreasonable and she hopes I will reconsider.

My husband and I discussed and decided to reply to her that we do not feel it is an appropriate time to bring this man into our family of 5 lives. We respect her feelings for this guy and if she is happy we are happy but we have three tween boys and it is about our family and nothing more. We hope that she will reconsider because we enjoy spending time with her and that she is always welcome at our home.

So are we being unreasonable?