Anonymous wrote:OP, you might want to read about low-conflict marriages/relationships. Not fighting isn't necessarily a good thing and doesn't make it easier to resolve conflicts when they do arise. Sometimes people in high-conflict relationships are actually happier.

I get what you are saying- but I think we have a really, really happy marriage. So does he- which I think is what makes this harder for me to deal with- because yes, we are low conflict so its harder to resolve when we aren't used to it. I just don't think its directly related to marital happiness here. I wouldn't trade my relationship for any other one I;ve seen to be honest. We are proud of it, even. But there is no such thing as the perfect couple I suppose- or perfect anything.

Poster is right above. He wants out of this area for a lower COL area. I get that and would agree even in many ways even though I like it here a lot. We could move to lots of different areas throughout the NE which I would love because my sibling, parents, his parents even live in NY and NE. He absolutely wants to move south, looking at a lot of places we have never even visited. I think he romanticizes some things and he underestimates how different life is without a support system at all and having to find all new friends, etc. and be yet even further from family.

I just think that Skype and flying is great but just not the same. I just always wanted to raise my kids more in the model of a closer knit extended family, whereas DH family is very spread out, very small and a little bit stoic/ cold/ do your own thing, despite obviously there being love there. So that's how he can't really understand how this 'want' of mine, this value, feels like its something that is just a part of me. I don't really blame him, his viewpoint is molded by his upbringing, his model and just as mine was.

Basically its weather vs. family and there isn't much room for compromise if he absolutely wants to leave the area, since this area kind of IS the compromise most would suggest.

Anonymous wrote:

I always will put my DH and son first but I don't want it to be to the exclusion of everything else I care about. And I think that is probably where my life is headed eventually.

OP, whatever this big difference is between you and your husband, this ^^^^^ is NOT a good outcome. For anyone. Stop that train now.

You're saying that putting spouse/child first to the exclusion of everything else, no matter what, is a GOOD thing??

You want a spouse who is supportive and loyal, but not to the exclusion of anyone/everything else. A good partnership is one in which you can call each other out on their bullshit, and trust and respect them for it. NOT one in which you go along for a ride, even though you know they may be wrong.

Ditto for a child. If my child did something truly awful like rape someone, kill someone, etc, I could not stand by them to the exclusion of everything else.

DH and DS want to watch Sunday football and OP wants to watch the Breaking Bad Binge?

OP, you might want to read about low-conflict marriages/relationships. Not fighting isn't necessarily a good thing and doesn't make it easier to resolve conflicts when they do arise. Sometimes people in high-conflict relationships are actually happier.

Should read "can respect both of your needs here ".

Can you relocate near a travel hub, and budget for you to take several trips per year? There are ways you can respect of your needs here. If your husband longs to escape the area you're in, you need to care about that – and he needs to care about your staying connected to your family. An awesome Internet connection and Skype can also go a long way!

Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm confused. Come clean and tell us what the issue is. We can help you then.

She wants to live near family and he does not.

Op, I'm confused. Come clean and tell us what the issue is. We can help you then.

I always will put my DH and son first but I don't want it to be to the exclusion of everything else I care about. And I think that is probably where my life is headed eventually.

OP, whatever this big difference is between you and your husband, this ^^^^^ is NOT a good outcome. For anyone. Stop that train now.

No worries, I hope you can find some peace and maybe a compromise you can live with.

"their need"
"affected"

Jeez. I guess I am out of sorts this morning!

Anonymous wrote:We're used to anonymous -- but usually posters write what it is that's bothering them. Hence, the anonymity.

Good point. I think this morning though I don't have the resolve to not be overly effected and upset should I get responses that are mean or antagonistic just because someone else wants to take out there need to be antagonistic here. Not that I don't think there isn't a valid counterpoint, but I don't want to hear that I am a crap person or spouse right now for having a different opinion than my DH

We're used to anonymous -- but usually posters write what it is that's bothering them. Hence, the anonymity.

OP here- I just read the above. I realize it might not make any sense at all. But I wanted to get it out somewhere- even just if its written anonymously on some board.

And its making me sad.

I don't really want to talk to anyone about it IRL but I feel like its just eating me inside

We have been together for a long time, then married for 6 years. We had our first child last year.

We are that kind of couple that people have asked "do you guys even fight?"- I would say, of course we disagree on things we are human, but the reality is that no, we don't really fight- we haven't had more than maybe 2-3 bigger arguments in 14 years. So this feels uncharted and I feel stupid for not being able to see down the line that we might disagree on this issue. But I guess its something you don't see as clearly (issue is about living near family) until priorities shift when having your own family.

I always will put my DH and son first but I don't want it to be to the exclusion of everything else I care about. And I think that is probably where my life is headed eventually.