DH cut off his mother ~ 20 years ago. Best decision ever. She was always looking for the next scam, if only she put all that energy into actually trying to accomplish a goal. She was toxic and always the victim.

Anonymous wrote:You doesn't have to be all or nothing. Send a birthday card, a holiday card. Send pictures once or twice a year. Visit once a year, stay in a hotel, have lunch. Don't answer the phone, don't answer emails or texts.

This "cutting-them-off" mentality is because you see no other way to separate - to spare your feelings. If you are really "over them" you can manage some limited contact - on your terms.

Now if they are interfering somehow with your minor children, then that might require more extreme action.

Respectfully you have no idea what you are talking about. Some relationships are toxic and it is best to cut ties.

Anonymous wrote:My brother cut off his relationship with our mother. She was/is not abusive or neglectful in any way. Head strong? Yes. Brothers wife doesn't like her and eventually brother followed. The outcome is this: grandchildren who don't have a relationship ( they aren't allowed) with their grandmother who loves them dearly and a severely broken hearted mother.

Wow, are you me? My brother has been doing this off and on. He's a total narcissist. Trapped in a hell he loves with a borderline wife. We finally do get to see the grand kids though...through his ex wife, their mom.

I'm very sorry that there is no relationship with the grand kids. That is so painful, I know.

Like a PP said, I want to cut them off for emotional health. I've wanted to move away from them for years and did for a year and I was much happier. But, my DH wanted to be back in the area and convinced me that living 20 minutes away vs out of state doesn't make a difference. Well, to me it does. I've already limited my contact with them which is whenever they get bored they want to come over and play with the kids since the kids are older now. They were nowhere to be found when they were younger since they required too much work. Anyway, my relationship with them has always been extremely toxic to me including a past history of emotional abuse from my mom, and my dad is no better. If you talk to my parents, I'm the worst daughter in the world despite all my years of effort to please them, and my sibling, who makes no effort to give anything back to our parents, is the best in the world. After years of suffering and even depression, I'm just so tired of several incidents a year that get me stirred up, even though our contact is limited to every other weekend when they want to come over. My goal is to move out of state, and then I can really limit our contact without having to be rude.

You doesn't have to be all or nothing. Send a birthday card, a holiday card. Send pictures once or twice a year. Visit once a year, stay in a hotel, have lunch. Don't answer the phone, don't answer emails or texts.

This "cutting-them-off" mentality is because you see no other way to separate - to spare your feelings. If you are really "over them" you can manage some limited contact - on your terms.

Now if they are interfering somehow with your minor children, then that might require more extreme action.

I haven't cut off, but I've reduced contact by phone (they live several hours away). I've found over the years that calls with my parents never end well-- they're very intense and judgmental and have a lot to say about things they know nothing about--and usually I feel awful after talking with them. My mother has deep anxiety issues she refuses to address (it's everyone else, never her). She can be very unpleasant and hard to have a normal conversation with so I've kept calls to 10-15 mins at a time about once a week. I feel like a lot of valuable time has been wasted allowing myself to be badgered by her and my father about religion and politics or other inane unpleasant topics. Yes, they're my parents, but no, that doesn't necessarily mean I have to subject myself to decades of awfulness 3X or more a week. I had this realization a few years ago after one particular phone call where it dawned on my that I had the power to end the call whenever I needed to.

Keeping myself sane for DH and DC is more important.

Yep. Works wonders sometimes.

My brother cut off his relationship with our mother. She was/is not abusive or neglectful in any way. Head strong? Yes. Brothers wife doesn't like her and eventually brother followed. The outcome is this: grandchildren who don't have a relationship ( they aren't allowed) with their grandmother who loves them dearly and a severely broken hearted mother.

I cut my mother off in my early 20s (I'm almost 40 now). Best thing I ever did. It was really hard at first, as I had brothers left at home who were very young.
Fast forward to now, I have a relationship with both brothers and still no relationship with mother.

It was very hard at first, as she was really my only family. Holidays were lonely and challenging until I developed a network of friends that I came to love like family.

That being said, the amount of crazy drama that she brought to the table was worth every painful moment. I have no desire at all to mend fences and no regrets about my initial decision.

DH did this with his mother. It's been wonderful not having to deal with her (including not having to deal with him stressed out about dealing with her). I am a bit leery of the long-term message it sends to our kids, as I would not want them to cut me off , so I try and compensate by modeling good relationships with my parents. Luckily DH loves my parents so it's easy to do.

I tried. Parents divorced, felt my relationship with my mom was not healthy. Both my brother and my father were upset that I wanted to cut her out, so I caved. It was a very stressful couple of years, and involved a lot of therapy on my part, but 10 years later, I'm glad we have some contact. Therapy helped me, so I recommend that, and without some details, my advice is to limit contact rather than ending it.

I cut off personal contact with my MIL. She lives 10 minutes away and is toxic to me. However, I do not prevent her from seeing the kids or DH. It is up to DH to set up time with her. Makes my life so much better!

Not with parents but with a sibling. I do mourn the loss of the relationship, but it's because I had to cut it off once I realized sib wouldn't change and it would never be healthy. I do have happy memories of sib but it's more important for me to have emotional health than do things in the name of sentiment.

Best wishes, OP. What part of the process are you in now?

my dad did this with his mother. made our lives amazingly less stressful and full of drama. he still encouraged me to have a relationship with her and facilitated that.

Without going much into details, I'm considering just cutting off all communication and contact with my parents. Has anyone done this, how did you do it? What's the outcome now?