Anonymous wrote:
I understand you are venting, OP, so of course you are dredging up the past. I get it and I'm sorry.

However, there is nothing you can do. You may be consciously angry towards your step-mother, but you must also be unconsciously angry towards your father. Don't forget he bears responsibility in all this. He must be attracted to this kind of woman, and please understand that on some level he must get something out of pairing with controlling women!

So accept that their relationship is messed up and that your daughter and yourself are collateral damage.
I grew up hearing my grandmother say right to my mother's face that different races should never marry - and my mother is white and my father is asian! Let go of the grandparent-grandchild dream bond, and move on with your life.

I have "accepted" it, PP, but Ive also lived with this particular situation for 10 years, (and other bad things for 10 years before that relate to my dads bad choices). Whenever I reveal this to anyone, someone is always helped by it. Its disgusting to reveal, but in the end, someone else can feel like they arent the only ones living in the twilight zone.

Im not unconsciously angry at my father. I was very aware of my anger, and realized it was pointless, as none of this was personal. Its his problem internally. It just sucks to see how he is missing out on his grandkid, which would NOT BE HAPPENING if SHE thought it was important.

Regarding the racism in your family, yes we have some of that going on too...I am white and MY husband is asian. Ahhh, life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"The woman is a disgusting fraud."

There is nothing in your post that actually supports the idea that she is engaging in fraudulent behavior.

How about pretending to be worried he will work too hard and then letting him operate a chainsaw while on blood thinners? The fraud part is her concern for him. The fraud part is her pretense that she has no control.

She may suck as a person but your dad choose her to be his wife so for whatever reason he finds her personality appealing



Now, if you said your dad was not mentally able to make decisions for himself then that would be another story.

Well, the truth is, he is NOT, but its not because he is mentally challenged. He has some kind of dependent personality problem and is terrified of losing her. She makes sure to leverage that.

His life, his choice.

Think of it this way - he may totally hate your spouse as well. He just keeps it to himself.

OP here. By the way, Im not making up that this person is what I say she is. I have studied it, I have consulted therapists and social workers. I have spoken to a few trusted in the close circle. None of this is a perception problem on my part. Its a well documented problem that cannot be fixed. That is why its bad.

If any of you who dont know what this is like care to read up on the cult of narcissism, please do. I guarantee you experiencing it is another matter.

Anonymous wrote:"The woman is a disgusting fraud."

There is nothing in your post that actually supports the idea that she is engaging in fraudulent behavior.

How about pretending to be worried he will work too hard and then letting him operate a chainsaw while on blood thinners? The fraud part is her concern for him. The fraud part is her pretense that she has no control.

She may suck as a person but your dad choose her to be his wife so for whatever reason he finds her personality appealing



Now, if you said your dad was not mentally able to make decisions for himself then that would be another story.

Well, the truth is, he is NOT, but its not because he is mentally challenged. He has some kind of dependent personality problem and is terrified of losing her. She makes sure to leverage that.

I understand you are venting, OP, so of course you are dredging up the past. I get it and I'm sorry.

However, there is nothing you can do. You may be consciously angry towards your step-mother, but you must also be unconsciously angry towards your father. Don't forget he bears responsibility in all this. He must be attracted to this kind of woman, and please understand that on some level he must get something out of pairing with controlling women!

So accept that their relationship is messed up and that your daughter and yourself are collateral damage.
I grew up hearing my grandmother say right to my mother's face that different races should never marry - and my mother is white and my father is asian! Let go of the grandparent-grandchild dream bond, and move on with your life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea what you are talking about.

Why would anyone post a response like this?

I'm guessing so that maybe OP can repost?

OP, I might have missed it,but did you mention how far away you live from him? Is it possible to make plans with him without involving his wife? I also think you need to work on letting things in the past go. Your baby shower was 8 year ago...don't let yourself get worked up over it anymore. Same with the letting the wedding and pre wedding stuff bother you anymore.

Well what bothered me recently was hearing him say about the shooting of that african american man by the police officer that "If he did what they say he did, he deserved to be shot six times". THAT IS NOT MY FATHER. I cant tell you how completely OPPOSITE of who my father was that statement and position is. Im giving the most benign examples, but there is much other stuff. I dont care about the past. Im worried for the future. He is getting worse over time. After a recent visit with me at my house, it seems the chain got yanked back hard.

OP you might have seen this article or things like it. If not, it should help make sense of some of this behavior. Narcissim in women and moms has a way of getting into peoples heads from the start: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201311/the-narcissistic-mother

"The woman is a disgusting fraud."

There is nothing in your post that actually supports the idea that she is engaging in fraudulent behavior.

She may suck as a person but your dad choose her to be his wife so for whatever reason he finds her personality appealing.

Now, if you said your dad was not mentally able to make decisions for himself then that would be another story.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea what you are talking about.

Why would anyone post a response like this?

I'm guessing so that maybe OP can repost?

OP, I might have missed it,but did you mention how far away you live from him? Is it possible to make plans with him without involving his wife? I also think you need to work on letting things in the past go. Your baby shower was 8 year ago...don't let yourself get worked up over it anymore. Same with the letting the wedding and pre wedding stuff bother you anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea what you are talking about.

Well good for you. But Ive met people who do.

The title is just words that make no sense.

Makes sense to me! Sorry OP. I have a friend who experienced a lot of this kind of thing after her dad died.

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea what you are talking about.

Why would anyone post a response like this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea what you are talking about.

Well good for you. But Ive met people who do.

The title is just words that make no sense.

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea what you are talking about.

Well good for you. But Ive met people who do.

I have no idea what you are talking about.

Its too exhausting to detail, but the readers digest version is that after my mom died, my father eventually married a woman who is a narcissist. She controls every minute of his time. She prevents him from seeing me at my home, discourages him from spending any time with his only biological child (me) and biological grandchild (my daughter, now 8) while he is made perpetually available to all of her kids and grandkids. He now is a Rush Limbaugh listening "independent" after being a liberal the whole time I knew him "before". The only approved way for me to see him is at their house. After a terrible marriage to another woman after my mothers death, he promised me he would get a prenup and never marry anyone again who I was not able to get to know. He ended up marrying this woman with me having no chance to meet her while he spent two years at her house with her family getting to know him. I had to be at a hastily thrown together marriage with total strangers. When I asked about the prenup years later, I was villified and treated like I was so terrible to be so mistrusting. Her lawyer son eventually sent it to me and it was written by him, and basically allows my dad to live in the house in the event of her death, but she leaves him NOTHING and he has to pay the mortgage and upkeep of her house which will then go to her kids. After he was hospitalized for an pulmonary embolism, and was on blood thinners, she sobbed on the phone to me that he would go home and "work too hard". I assured her he would listen to her if she told him to take it easy. Within two days of being home, he was on the roof with a chainsaw cutting down a tree branch. When I asked him whose idea it was to do that, he said "mine". When I asked her what she said when he proposed this, he said "She didnt stop me".

At my baby shower, she showed up with too few desserts for everyone because my father had not given her the correct # of guests. She shows up all upset, I say its not a problem at all! We have plenty of food! All cheerful. Later my dad says with real anger at me "You complained to Mary that she didnt bring enough desserts." I said "Does that even sound like something I would do?" He said "I heard you". I said "well, that would be impossible, because that never took place." Later he tried to say "Well, I guess I remembered her telling me her version." After years of playing nicey nice to her so my daughter can know her grandfather, I caught her listening in on one of the rare conversations I have with my dad on the phone anymore.

The woman is a disgusting fraud. I know I am not the only one who knows, but the people in the know are few in number and are kept at bay. As my daughter gets older, she sees what is going on, and its sad. We talk about it honestly. It still is just very painful. He is completely absorbed and controlled. Thank goodness I know whats happening- a woman who used to be married into the family told me things that explained the horribly painful and bizarre transformation of father from a kind caring person to a puppet for a soulless narcissist. Its awful.

If this sounds like your situation, I empathize, and I am very sorry. I know its dreadful. I put my gameface on for 10 years, and will keep doing so. But when my father falls ill, she will control everything and there will be nothing I can do to help him.