If it weren't for the fact that we didn't have a popcorn incident, I'd wonder if this were my husband posting. For me, it's that whenever I ask him for help for something around the house, he takes the laziest, most half-ass route to get himself just barely within some definition of having done what I asked him to do, but the reality is that I end up having to redo whatever I ask him to do because it's causing more problems than he solved. It's incredibly frustrating to feel like you have one more child, rather than a partner.

Sweeping popcorn off the steps and into the grass/mulch is exactly the kind of thing he would do to save himself the effort of getting a dustpan and putting the popcorn into the trash. Then I would end up out there cleaning it up properly so we didn't attract insects/rodent (or look like "those neighbors" with trash all over their lawn), and he'd wonder why I wasn't in the mood for sex that evening. The only difference is that I don't so thoroughly loathe him that I would say something like that in front of the kids.

Why wasn't she picking up the popcorn in the first place? Absent a broken leg or something, if she had particular ideas of how it needed to be done, she should be doing it herself.

You definitely took the lazy way out of getting the job done. If I was feeling loving and charitable, I'd give you the benefit of the doubt that you were taught these things by your parents, and I'd nicely point out the potential problems with attracting animals and ask you to try to get as much in the garage as you can manage. If I was tired of feeling like you were my third child whom I couldn't rely upon to share the work load, then I'd tell you in an irritated voice that what you did wasn't cleaning up. And if I felt like my husband didn't care about my well-being and was starting to consider divorce, I'd tell you that this is why I hated you.

What could you have done differently (other than putting the popcorn in the garbage)? I wouldn't have engaged on the popcorn issue, I would have instead recognized and given her empathy for her strong feelings ("It sounds like you're feeling frustrated and angry. I'm sorry about that. Can we talk later when the kids are in bed?").

You need to have a talk with DE and get to the bottom of her unhappiness and resentment. No way on earth is that an appropriate response...she blew it way out of proportion. When I find myself about to do that it's because I've been bottling things up. So I take a breath...calm down...then discuss things like a rational person later after the kids are asleep.

She should apologize.

Signed, a DW

Racoons, man. The hell with birds and ants.

Anonymous wrote:Well, sorry to add to the nagging, but I wouldn't consider sweeping it off to the side to be "cleaning it up". Though your wife's reaction is clearly a problem as well. Sounds like some counseling may be in order.

This. Sweeping it into the grass isn't cleaning up. But her reaction was over the top.

Anonymous wrote:

I wouldn't consider sweeping it off to the side to be "cleaning it up".

Do you think that the popcorn would cause an ant problem or be bird food?

PS - I realize that this is minutiae and not the elephant in the room

Honestly, I would have left the popcorn for the birds to eat. If I wanted it off the walk, I'd have kicked it over there myself. If I asked someone else to "clean it up", I'd have expected them to "clean it up", ie, "make it go away".

I wouldn't consider that cleaning it up either. My first thought was that young children playing in the yard would notice it, pick it up, and eat it...

My husband and I sometimes have different views of what "clean" and "put away" looks like. But we don't call each other names or say we hate each other.

Anonymous wrote:It's not about the popcorn. You guys are in a bad place if you're fighting about this. Objectively, I agree with her that you didn't clean up the popcorn, but her vehement reaction saying she "hates" you shows there are other issues.

+1 It's definitely not about the popcorn.

I'd have left the popcorn for the birds and squirrels, but I wouldn't consider it cleaning up. But that is definitely not the issue. Don't even engage on the ant issue. It's not worth it. If you're looking to smooth it over, I'd say something like "we just weren't on the same page." Because it's even less about the potential ant problem that a few pieces of popcorn might hypothetically cause than it is about the popcorn itself.

I wouldn't consider sweeping it off to the side to be "cleaning it up".

Do you think that the popcorn would cause an ant problem or be bird food?

PS - I realize that this is minutiae and not the elephant in the room

It's not about the popcorn. You guys are in a bad place if you're fighting about this. Objectively, I agree with her that you didn't clean up the popcorn, but her vehement reaction saying she "hates" you shows there are other issues.

Well, sorry to add to the nagging, but I wouldn't consider sweeping it off to the side to be "cleaning it up". Though your wife's reaction is clearly a problem as well. Sounds like some counseling may be in order.

I'm on your side 100%, OP.

You could have married someone less crazy.

Unless she's told you about "the popcorn problem" multiple times and failed to heed her advice.

This morning, young children played with our preschool daughter and spilled unflavored popcorn on the walkway to our house.
DW asked me to clean it up and I swept it into the mulch and grass about a dozen feet away from the front door. I went on with chores, got the children ready, etc. and assumed everything was ok.
Just now, on the way to an event with DW and our 2 young children, DW saw this she got very upset. In front of the children she started picking up the popcorn and repeating to me (though everyone could hear) "this is why I hate you".
I urged her to let it go and that we could tend to it later, that birds could get the popcorn while we were gone. She said that this would lead to an ant problem and that if I cared about her feelings and "us" that I should clean it up immediately.
We each repeated our positions a few times and instead of also getting loud or emphatic I disengaged.

How could this have been handled better?