Anonymous wrote:So we all know exactly how this goes. This is a 100% DH problem. You know that if you are the one to confront them, they will hate you and based on what you've told us, will probably make a point to make things even more miserable for you. You know that you are more stressed than usual because you have a new baby. So your only option is to explain to DH. This is what I would say to them:

"I don't want to confront your parents, because no matter what I say or how nicely I say it, they may take it the wrong way and hate me. But this can't go on much longer. If I have no choice, I am going to establish very strict boundaries with them and they are probably going to hate me. It's much less likely that they are going to hate you, but you aren't leaving me with much of a choice in the matter. They are your parents, they love you, and there's very little chance that they will hate you for talking to them."

Just leave it at that. Don't criticize him or his parents, but just explain that this can't go on much longer. But it's much better to hurt your relationship with them, as opposed to your relationship with DH. If he won't talk to them you have to warn him that you will confront them and he has to at least accept that. And you will have to take action. I know you're probably a nice person, but some people are just steamrollers and you have to be confrontational with them. This is a challenge just don't let it hurt your marriage. In my marriage, it's MY mother who is a steamroller. She gets VERY jealous and upset and is constantly threatened by DH. But my relationship with DH is my first priority and I have to stick with him.

This right here.

And, when they come over unannounced, don't let them in. Open the door and just tell them it is a bad time and that they need to call and see if it is a good time first. Repeat as needed until they get the message that they can't come over unannounced.

When they start making pronouncements about what they are doing at your house or with your kid, say, "We'll give that some thought." It isn't no, but it indicates that making such pronouncements isn't their call.

Why do they have your keys?

OP here: They have our keys!!! I will change the locks!
To 15:14 they came for 10 days when baby was about 3 weeks old. FIL was upset that I was speaking my language to baby and to my mom- DH and I have agreed that I will speak to the baby in my language 100% of the time. Whenever theya re around I translate and explain what my mom is saying- i am very polite about that.
I think when theyd ropped the bomb they were getting a place a fee blocks from us we should have talked to them and asked what that meant, what were the expected from us and from them... I begged DH to have this expectation talk with his parents but that never happened.
I am not at all afraid of them, to the contrary, what I am afraid is that i could be so fed up with them that I will not welcome them into my house and our baby's life.

If they don't call or prearrange at time to come over for a visit, don't answer your door and disable your doorbell. My MIL used to walk into my house without knocking or ringing the bell. Just walked in like she owned the place. I stopped that by locking the front door and making sure the garage doors were down.

"We came over to see you and you weren't there!" "Huh. Next time call us to schedule a time to come over."

They have announced they are coming over for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas? Make use of this information.

"You are coming over for Christmas? Awesome. Bring breakfast with you and come over about 10am. Nap time is 1pm so plan on heading home then." And then at 1pm take baby upstairs and disappear for the afternoon leaving your husband to deal with his parents.

"Thanksgiving sounds great. It will be an early meal since we are pooped from dealing with the new baby. Plan on coming over around 11am. Meal will be around 4pm and baby will be napping from 1pm to 3pm as will I so the two of you can help husband's name get the meal on the table. Going to order from Wegmans since I won't be cooking this year."

"Halloween might be a waste of time. Baby goes to bed before dark and is too young for trick or treating. But if you two want to come over and hang out with husband's name and hand out candy that would be great. I will put baby to bed at 7pm and go to bed early."

The more you stick your husband with his parents, the more he will be motivated to plan and stick to a schedule. Once I figured out that my husband would never plan to see his mother who lives 45 minutes away if I stopped planning events for her to attend, I went from seeing her once a month to 3 times per year. Every now and then he says, "We need to spend more time with my mom!" And every time I give him a big smile and say, "You are so right! We do!" And then I do nothing. Works like a charm.

coming to our house everyday for visits

You don't answer the door. You have caller ID, and don't answer the phone.
You extend an invitation for 1 or 2 specific times during the week - or whatever amount of time works for you.
You put-up with paretents being mad as they get use to the new routine.

You grow up and stop being afraid of parents.

I don't think I understand what they are doing. They moved into their own place so presumably you have to provide access to your own home. If they don't call, you cannot be responsible if you aren't home. You say you are active people with your own social life. Just continue to make your own plans.

You say you confronted them about not helping. Was help something you had arranged? It sounds like you expected it simply because they moved closer, not that they necessarily offered it. Maybe they want to just spend time with Baby, not necessarily make you dinners and buy diapers. No one can read minds - if they offer help and you want it, make concrete plans.

I also didn't understand the part about them coming 10 days before but then you say FIL was angry you were all over the baby. Was it before or after Baby came?

I would set up a firm holiday schedule now though (we did this right when we got married. Specific holidays with each family or a preset rotation. We do Thanksgiving with mine, Easter with his, Christmas at our house with whoever wants to come, Halloween with our friend group, summer vacation with cousins.)

As for the language issue, you will all just need to be honest. They must understand that your mother cannot understand English. By the same token, you must understand that they do not understand your native language. Exclusively using either in mixed company is not appropriate.

OP here. Thank you everyone for your feedback. I will try these approaches with DH. I too believe it is a matter between him and his parents.
They are making my life miserable and I have already criticized them to DH, and cried over it, and the whole mess. I am tired, I am just trying to enjoy my new family, I just wanted them to be like my parents, come when invited, ask when is a good time and come then.
I feel they do what they do in part to piss me off and unfortunately I am allowing them to get under my skin. I have a BEAUTIFUL baby and those feelings of wanting to be a better person are just being spoiled by the constant annoyance of my IL suffocating me. I feel like I need space to heal from the this broken relationship - still can not forget (or forgive) the way FIL disrespected me, my culture, my family, my language...
We have already established that we will spend Thanksgiving with them, it'll be hard for me to put my feelings aside and be in their house, but I'll do it for my husband. We told them that Christmas will be with my family, but they already told us that they will then be here the week prior in that case...
I feel they will never give up, but you are right, I can not let this break my marriage!

p.s.: The other GK,who is a teenager now, was in part taken care by them, since the parents split up when baby was very young. They feel very connected to the GK (and that's partially why they've ignored us for so long, they are the favorite GP, and I feel that they think they need to be the caregivers to our baby too...

So we all know exactly how this goes. This is a 100% DH problem. You know that if you are the one to confront them, they will hate you and based on what you've told us, will probably make a point to make things even more miserable for you. You know that you are more stressed than usual because you have a new baby. So your only option is to explain to DH. This is what I would say to them:

"I don't want to confront your parents, because no matter what I say or how nicely I say it, they may take it the wrong way and hate me. But this can't go on much longer. If I have no choice, I am going to establish very strict boundaries with them and they are probably going to hate me. It's much less likely that they are going to hate you, but you aren't leaving me with much of a choice in the matter. They are your parents, they love you, and there's very little chance that they will hate you for talking to them."

Just leave it at that. Don't criticize him or his parents, but just explain that this can't go on much longer. But it's much better to hurt your relationship with them, as opposed to your relationship with DH. If he won't talk to them you have to warn him that you will confront them and he has to at least accept that. And you will have to take action. I know you're probably a nice person, but some people are just steamrollers and you have to be confrontational with them. This is a challenge just don't let it hurt your marriage. In my marriage, it's MY mother who is a steamroller. She gets VERY jealous and upset and is constantly threatened by DH. But my relationship with DH is my first priority and I have to stick with him.

Anonymous wrote:DH agrees it is too much but can not confront them - his parents are very controlling, always made sure he knew how much they expected from him and when he disappointed (which wasn't much). I guess he is afraid his parents will just decide them never to speak to him again - for the record, I am married to an awesome man he is great, his inability to confront his parents hurt me a whole lot, and is turning me into an ugly person towards DH, affecting our marriage. We are always stressed out. I know he is in a difficult place and I hate his parents for putting him there (I 100% believe my in-laws know exactly how much we are bothered by their presence, but they do not care) but I want to protect my family, my marriage... Tough situation, do not wish this to anyone.

Okay. He needs to step up OP. You need to plan out the conversation with him. I'm thinking you may need to start the conversation with him there and then let him pick it up. Do it together. It sounds like if you wait for him to do it, it will never happen. So what if they're pissed at you for a while. They'll get over it. Figure out what your parameter are with the ILs--they need to call? Schedule one day week to visit? Be clear that you're not saying that they can't visit, but that it has to be on your terms. If you give them a set, pre-planned time to visit, that will be a lot easier to monitor.

DH agrees it is too much but can not confront them - his parents are very controlling, always made sure he knew how much they expected from him and when he disappointed (which wasn't much). I guess he is afraid his parents will just decide them never to speak to him again - for the record, I am married to an awesome man he is great, his inability to confront his parents hurt me a whole lot, and is turning me into an ugly person towards DH, affecting our marriage. We are always stressed out. I know he is in a difficult place and I hate his parents for putting him there (I 100% believe my in-laws know exactly how much we are bothered by their presence, but they do not care) but I want to protect my family, my marriage... Tough situation, do not wish this to anyone.

I am afraid to be direct and this explodes into a war - had a confrontation with them years ago and they do not take criticism well...
I have a soft heart (is this an expression in English?), so I feel bad to have them in the city and not allow them to come over, but I feel this is what I need to do since they will never ask them when they should come, they book their tickets and show up!

I'm sorry op. This is on your husband. It's his job to manage his parents. This is scary bc this sounds just like my mil, except we don't have kids yet!

You've got to get your husband on board with this. Is he agreeing with you that they're bothersome and just not doing anything, or does he think it's fine that they drop in everyday?

Yikes, so sorry OP. I don't really have advice for you. What happens if you aren't home when they come over?
What if you are just direct with them? Sorry, now is larla's bedtime so we need to take her upstairs. Sorry, we have plans with friends in an hour so we'll need to leave then. Etc.

We are new parents (first baby) and I am having a though time dealing with my in laws' constant presence.
To summarize the story: In laws announced to us that they were getting a place in the area 4 weeks before we were due. We were in shock. Husband said nothing to his parents. I had the baby, my parents were here (from abroad) at my request. In laws come and stay a few days - did not help much (didn't offer to bring food, help with house chores, nothing). Few weeks later they return to move in and decorate their new place. They stay about 10 days, show up once or twice. DH and I had a talk to them and asked how come they were here before for 10 days before and never showed up to help, etc... then father in-law attacks me saying that I was all over the baby, very protective, speaking to the baby in my native language, my native language was being spoken all the time in our house (my mom doesn't speak English, my dad does some) and they felt unwelcome because of that - and they were decorating their place, and that was exhausting...They returned to our area a few weeks ago, they're settled in and start coming to our house everyday for visits. They NEVER ask us when is a good time to travel here, they are very controlling people (have schedules for everything, plan things months in advance) and by getting a place here they do not need to ask us permission to visit.
My husband does not confront his parents and I want him to do so, to ask them to give us space so we can adjust to our new life and enjoy our brand new baby and family. In laws already told us that they will be here for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas... We did not even had the chance to invite them, they announced they will be here.
We are super laid back people, we are the type that don't plan much, have a very active social life and love to travel.
In laws didn't care much for us before, this sudden attention is driving me crazy, and I can not stop fighting with my DH because he will not talk to his parents and ask them to back off.
If you meet them you'll think they are the sweetest people ever (I thought that for a long time), but I am now seeing their controlling, disrespectful way of inserting themselves in our lives and I and very very unhappy about this.
I am a VERY family-oriented person, I think it is very healthy for grand kids to have great relationships with grandparents, but my in-laws are suffocating me. They are extremely competitive people and it almost feels like they want to be in our baby's face all the time so the baby will love and bond with them more than with other people (my parents, my siblings, my brother in-law).
I am not sure how to deal with this situation, I feel like I am always stressed out and bitter and not fully enjoying these first months of motherhood.
Is it too much to want some space and want your in laws (or my parents for that matter) to come when we want them to come, when we invite them?! I'd welcome people's feedback and advise.
Thanks!