Anonymous
09/05/2014 23:08
Subject: Re:My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives
This happened to me as my dad moved further and further away. My mom did drive us halfway but he really just didn't seem interested. He was also an alcoholic so he had that going on. Then, my grandfather died in HS. He was like my substitute father and I lost it a bit. Therapy wasn't for me. I couldn't get past my mom paying someone her hard earned money to tell me to write in a journal. The point was that my dad just didn't give a s%&t and that hurt like hell. Time did help a lot and of course my mom was/is awesome. It isn't easy. My mom never told us how much of a loser my dad was. We ended up coming up with that conclusion ourselves.
Anonymous
09/05/2014 19:43
Subject: My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives
Anonymous wrote:I can understand if he moved further and is doing all the driving. Why don't you offer to meet him 1/2 way and encourage them to participate more? Sounds to me that they just picked up your vibe that you don't want them around.
+1
Anonymous
09/05/2014 17:48
Subject: My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives
It's not all bad, since you wrote that your lives were easier without him. So presumable you don't want to push it too much or go to court over it.
What you have to deal with right now is your kids mourning their relationship with their father. A therapist, perhaps, to deal with feelings of abandonment?
Definitely the children should let their father know that they miss him and feel like he's abandoning them. Writing a letter is a good idea. It's healthy to express themselves clearly, let it all out, and also it's good to put the blame squarely where it belongs!
Anonymous
09/05/2014 17:17
Subject: My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives
Also, go see Boyhood if you can. I thought it was pretty moving.
Anonymous
09/05/2014 16:40
Subject: My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives
Anonymous wrote:This was me growing up. My father remarried and moved 300 miles away. We went from monthly weekend visits to a week in the summer. Weekly calls soon became every 5-6 weeks and then only on birthdays and holidays.
It sucked. I won't lie. But we adjusted our expectations and we dealt with it. We knew it made my mother sad, too, so we didn't talk about it much. We just dealt with the disappointment and learned a valuable lesson that sometimes people -- even family -- move out of your life.
You can't change him, OP. Just let your kids be sad and try to comfort them. Then go to a movie or something to fill the time.
+1 This is my experience (when I was a child) as well. The one thing you don't want to do is make excuses for him. I know someone right now whose DH has chosen to live across the country. Both DH and DW tell their kids that it's because DH's job is keeping him there. DW does this to shield her kids from the reality that he's a lame dad and the marriage has really fallen apart.
But all this does is teaches the kids that a parent's job is more important than being their dad. And a spouse's job is more important than the other spouse. That becomes their model, then they are more likely to settle for a lame spouse when they grow up.
Just be honest, tell the kids you are disappointed too. That you weren't a match--you picked wrong, and this is an example of someone who is shrugging their responsibilities. And that you are sorry you picked him--that they deserve better, but sometimes life isn't fair. And your hope for them is that if and when they are finally married and parents, that they choose their spouse well, and also that they behave better toward their own children than their dad did.
The good news is that I know from my experience that they can grow up and be just fine, and pick a good spouse. Because I understood that what my dad did was *not* ok.
Anonymous
09/05/2014 16:07
Subject: My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives
The kids could write him a letter. Dad would have a tangible item, as opposed to an easily forgotten conversation.
Anonymous
09/05/2014 15:41
Subject: My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives
OP here. I think it's a good suggestion to tell them to share their feelings with him. They are very used to doing that with me but it's not their habit to really open up to him. I need to encourage that more.
For the person who suggested I do more driving, I have offered to do 100% of the back and forth on more than one occasion. It doesn't seem to make a difference and in fact once he accused me of being too controlling and trying to manage his life. And right now I'm bending over backwards to not make him the bad guy. I grew up in a home where parents did nothing but try and turn us against the other one. I have made it my goal to never do that to my kids, I don't even complain about him on the phone to friends if my kids are in the house, but I wonder if I've gone too far the other way and made them feel like it's not ok for them to find fault with him.
For the person who suggested I do more driving, I have offered to do 100% of the back and forth on more than one occasion. It doesn't seem to make a difference and in fact once he accused me of being too controlling and trying to manage his life. And right now I'm bending over backwards to not make him the bad guy. I grew up in a home where parents did nothing but try and turn us against the other one. I have made it my goal to never do that to my kids, I don't even complain about him on the phone to friends if my kids are in the house, but I wonder if I've gone too far the other way and made them feel like it's not ok for them to find fault with him.
Anonymous
09/05/2014 15:37
Subject: My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives
12:45 ?
OP,
So sorry. I'm not an advocate of taking exes to court, but why not? The judge may order him to take parenting classes. He is failing his legal obligation here. How often do you discuss this with the children? So sorry for them!
OP,
So sorry. I'm not an advocate of taking exes to court, but why not? The judge may order him to take parenting classes. He is failing his legal obligation here. How often do you discuss this with the children? So sorry for them!
Anonymous
09/05/2014 12:49
Subject: My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives
This was me growing up. My father remarried and moved 300 miles away. We went from monthly weekend visits to a week in the summer. Weekly calls soon became every 5-6 weeks and then only on birthdays and holidays.
It sucked. I won't lie. But we adjusted our expectations and we dealt with it. We knew it made my mother sad, too, so we didn't talk about it much. We just dealt with the disappointment and learned a valuable lesson that sometimes people -- even family -- move out of your life.
You can't change him, OP. Just let your kids be sad and try to comfort them. Then go to a movie or something to fill the time.
It sucked. I won't lie. But we adjusted our expectations and we dealt with it. We knew it made my mother sad, too, so we didn't talk about it much. We just dealt with the disappointment and learned a valuable lesson that sometimes people -- even family -- move out of your life.
You can't change him, OP. Just let your kids be sad and try to comfort them. Then go to a movie or something to fill the time.
Anonymous
09/05/2014 12:45
Subject: My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives
I can understand if he moved further and is doing all the driving. Why don't you offer to meet him 1/2 way and encourage them to participate more? Sounds to me that they just picked up your vibe that you don't want them around.
Anonymous
09/05/2014 12:41
Subject: My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives
Does he know his kids are asking to see him more? The next time your kids bring this up, and before they visit him next, i would tell them to tell their dad how they feel. There is still some risk that they will be hurt because he doesn't act on their feelings, but since you are divorced and he is moving on, he may be more likely to feel guilty and responsible and act on things his kids say that what you say (though I emphasize you sound like a great mom and that part about him is NOT YOUR FAULT!).
Anonymous
09/05/2014 12:33
Subject: My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives
That's such a rough age. Too bad he couldn't have waited til high school when kids naturally pull away a bit more and have tons of their own activities and social lives going on.
I'd probably talk to a child therapist about it first. See what a professional says with respect to approaching this. And maybe talking to someone might help your kids, too.
At the same time, you could offer a modified meeting if possible. If he was supposed to take them for a whole weekend, see of it's easier for him to take them for a day, see a movie, eat lunch out, etc. not ideal, but they will get some face to face time with Dad. And shorter visits may be more appealing to him and encourage him to do it more often.
Good luck, OP. I know it's rough.
I'd probably talk to a child therapist about it first. See what a professional says with respect to approaching this. And maybe talking to someone might help your kids, too.
At the same time, you could offer a modified meeting if possible. If he was supposed to take them for a whole weekend, see of it's easier for him to take them for a day, see a movie, eat lunch out, etc. not ideal, but they will get some face to face time with Dad. And shorter visits may be more appealing to him and encourage him to do it more often.
Good luck, OP. I know it's rough.
Anonymous
09/05/2014 12:09
Subject: My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives
Tell him
Anonymous
09/05/2014 11:35
Subject: My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives
Anonymous wrote:My ex and I had been in a very amicable space for the last few years. He lived nearby and was pretty good about visitation and sharing the heavy lifting of parenting. During that time he was in a relationship but he kept her pretty separate from the kids and used his time without them to be with her. About 8 months ago they got engaged and moved in together. And with each passing month, my kids are seeing less and less of him. At first it was a missed weekend here and there, sometimes for work and sometimes for social stuff (weddings, weekends away, etc.) Then it was the one weeknight he was supposed to have them, mostly because it's a hassle now that he lives further away. Now we're going on a month without them seeing him at all and he's already let me know that he doesn't see that changing any time soon. He does call them a few times a week but that's not nearly enough for them. They are starting to get weepy and anxious about the situation and last night my son asked me point blank if his father is forgetting about them (my kids are 10 and 13).
The truth is that my life is easier and my kids' lives go smoother with him not around--he can't be bothered to pay any attention to homework, bedtimes, playdates, sports practices, etc. Whenever they are with him my kids go into this "daddy bubble" where they do what he wants to do and everything else falls by the wayside. But they miss him and it's hurting them. I want them to have their father in their lives but I'm not sure what I can do. Technically he's in violation of our settlement agreement but taking him to court seems like the exact opposite way to handle this. The few times I've spoken directly about the situation he gets crazy defensive and starts yelling at me that I'm trying to control him and treat him like a child (the irony of that reaction is lost on him). Is this the point where I sit my kids down and tell them they need to accept this as their new normal? Has anyone navigated this and come out with a success story?
Sad. He'll be the one who would lose out.
No advice, other than perhaps having one more discussion with ex where you present this entirely from the perspective of the kids, rather than raise with him whether he's meeting his own obligations as a parent. That doesn't foreclose you from taking legal action later, if necessary, or having other discussions with your children. I do think it might be hard for them to appreciate that their dad is the deadbeat, and that you have to steel yourself for the possibility that they'll blame the situation on you (because you're actually there, they'll want to think you control everything).
You sound like a great mom - hang in there!
Anonymous
09/05/2014 11:22
Subject: My Kids' Father Is Slipping Out Of Their Lives
My ex and I had been in a very amicable space for the last few years. He lived nearby and was pretty good about visitation and sharing the heavy lifting of parenting. During that time he was in a relationship but he kept her pretty separate from the kids and used his time without them to be with her. About 8 months ago they got engaged and moved in together. And with each passing month, my kids are seeing less and less of him. At first it was a missed weekend here and there, sometimes for work and sometimes for social stuff (weddings, weekends away, etc.) Then it was the one weeknight he was supposed to have them, mostly because it's a hassle now that he lives further away. Now we're going on a month without them seeing him at all and he's already let me know that he doesn't see that changing any time soon. He does call them a few times a week but that's not nearly enough for them. They are starting to get weepy and anxious about the situation and last night my son asked me point blank if his father is forgetting about them (my kids are 10 and 13).
The truth is that my life is easier and my kids' lives go smoother with him not around--he can't be bothered to pay any attention to homework, bedtimes, playdates, sports practices, etc. Whenever they are with him my kids go into this "daddy bubble" where they do what he wants to do and everything else falls by the wayside. But they miss him and it's hurting them. I want them to have their father in their lives but I'm not sure what I can do. Technically he's in violation of our settlement agreement but taking him to court seems like the exact opposite way to handle this. The few times I've spoken directly about the situation he gets crazy defensive and starts yelling at me that I'm trying to control him and treat him like a child (the irony of that reaction is lost on him). Is this the point where I sit my kids down and tell them they need to accept this as their new normal? Has anyone navigated this and come out with a success story?
The truth is that my life is easier and my kids' lives go smoother with him not around--he can't be bothered to pay any attention to homework, bedtimes, playdates, sports practices, etc. Whenever they are with him my kids go into this "daddy bubble" where they do what he wants to do and everything else falls by the wayside. But they miss him and it's hurting them. I want them to have their father in their lives but I'm not sure what I can do. Technically he's in violation of our settlement agreement but taking him to court seems like the exact opposite way to handle this. The few times I've spoken directly about the situation he gets crazy defensive and starts yelling at me that I'm trying to control him and treat him like a child (the irony of that reaction is lost on him). Is this the point where I sit my kids down and tell them they need to accept this as their new normal? Has anyone navigated this and come out with a success story?