I suspect some of it is the era you were raised in, too.

My mother was a pretty good mother to me growing up -- she met all the requirements and was not abusive -- but she is very judgmental, and that makes her hard to talk to. She's also passive aggressive, which is not something I have time for.

The only time she has ever said "I'm sorry" is sarcastically: "Oh, I'm terribly sorry."

She's not going to change. Neither is your mother. Luckily, we don't have to be that way.

I have never heard my mother apologize or admit wrongdoing. She wasn't/isn't a bad mother, but she is not a perfect human being and this is one of her faults. I don't hold it against her, but I did recently realize it might be the reason I have trouble saying I'm sorry and admitting wrongdoing, so I am making sure to correct that in myself. When I am in the wrong, I make sure to apologize, especially to my children.

You mentioned you had a mentally ill brother. Have you ever considered that your mother is mentally ill also? This doesn't excuse her behavior but may help explain it and thus help you let it go.

I married (unknowingly) into a family with a strong history of bipolar depression (exDH and MIL). One of the most interesting lessons I learned from this experience is how often aspects of mental illness are dismissed by family members as "choices". As in -- mom's just being manipulative, dad's a liar mom's just being dramatic, etc. IME, much of the drama in my in laws family was a function of the mania (impulsive behavior, grandiosity that can result in impatience and put downs of others, poor judgement, making inappropriate comments, money problems, romantic relationship problems, wild stories, misremembering events, substance abuse etc.) or the depression (severe irritability, severe anxiety, refusal to participate in important social events, substance abuse, etc.)

I think this misattribution is even more common when the mentally ill person manages to be highly functional in spite of it all (holds down a regular job or raises a family).

My experience with my mentally ill in laws, as well as with my own family (not mental illness but other issues) and as a parent myself have caused me to believe that we are basically responsible for parenting ourselves after age 18. In other words, when we know that we have problems, we are responsible for getting help for ourselves, building healthy relationships and giving ourselves the love and support we feel we missed.

I agree with another PP who said that by focusing on asking your Mom to get therapy, you are focusing too much on her. It's not wrong to ask her to get therapy; it's just that that is something you don't have any control over. Ask, but then figure out how you are going to organize your life so that you can get what positive aspects are possible out of your relationship with your Mom. You will need a therapist to help you figure out what it is reasonable to expect your Mom to give you (vs. what it is reasonable to expect from most Moms) and how to set boundaries and develop your habit of interaction in the best way for you. You will also need a therapist to help you figure out what you need and how to get that from sources other than your Mom (yourself, your own family, your friends, etc.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, you are adults. You simply have to get over it. I too had a horrid mother who was incapable of acknowledging any wrongdoing. Even so, she is not responsible for the choices I make as an adult and your mothers aren't either.

OP here. I agree. That's why I am in therapy Thankfully I have not made any bad choices that screamed "GET THERAPY" but after having DS I had PPD and a few sessions with a counselor specializing in that allowed me to reflect on some things and realize I needed more intensive therapy.

I agree with the first PP. I, too, had a horrid mother incapable of acknowledging any wrongdoing. I wondered about your saying your mother should get therapy. To me that means you're still focused on her. She probably won't, so focus on you.

Where are you in your life, OP? Are you a mother yet? I felt a lot like this before I became a mother. After I became a mother I began to realize that not everything my mother did was a concerted effort to be a bad mother. It was more a shoot-from-the-hip, doing the best she could kind of set up. Everyone is an imperfect mother. I'd like to mother my kids perfectly. I can't. I'd hate my little dramas to be held over my head. We all do the best we could. You're in therapy. Everything seems very intense right now. Let it go.

Your mother is not going to change. There is nothing she can do about the past. If she's going to be in your life then you have to learn to deal with it. Stop trying to make her say sorry about things she has done. She will not say it. Stop trying to look at her as a mother.

I think first of all you need to think about individual events. The idea of getting some sort of blanket apology is kind of weird. I'm sorry I was a horrible mother? Good lord. OP, that's a lot to ask of someone. Unless she abandoned you, being dramatic and guilt tripping is really not going to raise her to that standard.

Secondly, OP, everyone has a different memory of the past. Everyone. She doesn't remember incidents the way you do. And that's okay.

Yes, I can relate. Your mom sounds like mine. She has never, ever given a sincere apology. If she apologizes at all, which is rare, it will be obviously fake. And really, how could she ever apologize for the hell she put me through for my entire life; I doubt she could admit it to herself, much less me. I have reduced contact quite a bit and that helps. Therapy helped me realize what her common "games" are and how not to play them - that was the MOST helpful thing ever. When we are together, I try to never be alone with her. She has so many layers of phoniness, it's almost impossible to carry on a conversation with her anyway. A lot of times I pretend not to hear her when she makes one of her many weird-a$$ criticisms.

I still have a lot of resentment, and sometimes it really flares up and I get stuck in the what-ifs: what if my mom had ever told me she loved me? or that I was pretty? or that being pretty isn't the most important thing in the world? or that I did a good job on something? or if she could have been my soft place to land after a break-up, instead of being the last person I'd tell because of course it would have been my fault? what if she hadn't complained ad nauseum to everyone she encountered about how awful I was? what if she hadn't started me on diets (aka complaining about my weight while never making a healthful meal, sabotaging any efforts with no real food but making cookies mysteriously appear) when I was so young? what if she hadn't told me I was lazy so very many times?

A couple of years ago I found some pictures of myself at the age I was when she was really pushing the dieting, and if I hadn't know it was me, I wouldn't have recognized myself. I looked tall and thin among my friends, even by critical-mom standards. WTH? There are also a number of things in my teen years that were really important to me that she actively sabotaged.

I have no desire for a real relationship with her. I'm just limiting our interactions and riding it out.

My mother never said she was sorry for anything ever. Not her emotional abuse. Not her physical abuse. Now she has Alzheimers. I will never get that apology. And as ye sow, so shall ye reap. She spent my youth pushing me away, and so I am.

Is your mom a Narcissist? Mine is. Check out daughters of narcissistic mothers..or the sub reddit raised by narcissists.

The good news is that therapy can really help you readjust your thoughts and work through it.

My mother didn't tell me I looked pretty ever...even on my wedding day.

My parents never said I'm sorry to me as a kid even. When they were wrong. You just have to accept you'll never get what you want from her, and mourn it.

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, you are adults. You simply have to get over it. I too had a horrid mother who was incapable of acknowledging any wrongdoing. Even so, she is not responsible for the choices I make as an adult and your mothers aren't either.

OP here. I agree. That's why I am in therapy Thankfully I have not made any bad choices that screamed "GET THERAPY" but after having DS I had PPD and a few sessions with a counselor specializing in that allowed me to reflect on some things and realize I needed more intensive therapy.

Seriously, you are adults. You simply have to get over it. I too had a horrid mother who was incapable of acknowledging any wrongdoing. Even so, she is not responsible for the choices I make as an adult and your mothers aren't either.

i can relate. the im sorry is never geniuine and she never admits to any of her hurtful passive aggressive behaviors. i have limited contact but i cant say that is helping.

I have been going to therapy for a host of issues my mom has caused. Growing up she was semi emotionally abusive, dramatic, guilt tripping, over reaction, etc. For years I tried to talk to her about how certain things she did or say really hurt me. I was always met with guilt trips (I'm a horrible mom, why can't we have a good relationship, I stayed up for nights cryin because you said I upset you, etc). It took awhile for me to realize I had fucked up issues.

Today in therapy I came to the realization that she has not once said I'm sorry and meant it. It has always been "I'm sorry I'm a horrible mother". "I'm sorry I screwed you up". "I'm sorry you got stuck with me". And more along those lines. Recently we had a huge blowout. She later admitted that she came to visit and was gunning for me. She actually said she was looking for ways to criticize me. When I was honest with her (lying is a big reason I'm in therapy because I grew up afraid of telling the truth) she tore apart. She later admitted her issue with me is she wants me to be perfect, and when I'm not, she lashes out at me. I begged her to get therapy.

Due to a mentally ill brother, I will never be able to cut her out of my life. I have slowed down contact and been firm when she gets nasty about that. I'm hoping she will get therapy. It makes me sad that it will always be my fault in her eyes and she will always attempt to guilt trip me, even though my therapist believes she has a personality disorder

I guess this is a vent more than anything else. Just hoping someone else can relate I guess.