Anonymous
09/02/2014 16:27
Subject: Help me to forget it.
Anonymous wrote:It has been 2 years, but I can't let go of things that my MIL did on my wedding date. Every time anyone reminds me about it, my blood will be boiling. I haven't been treating her normal like pre-wedding day since then. I don't think she realized it. It is only hard on my side. What can I do to forget and/or forgive MIL? In case you may ask what she had done, despite we already had everything planed, she re-arranged her guests, re-arranged wedding favors between her guests and our friends tables (2 different favors), controlled wedding monetary gift box after the wedding (opened the gift cards and sum up the money without asking like she was doing me a favor) and suggested to use it to paid her back our loan (she lent us some money), stayed at our house on the wedding night, had a talk with DH about the monetary gift on that night so I ended up slept first. I am sure some of these got agreement from DH but given DH was tired and her child, I didn't blame DH much but I can't understand why MIL was so thoughtless and careless on that important occasion. This sometime holds me back from having a better relationship with MIL regardless how much care she gives me and DC. I don't want to hold a grudge but I just can't let go of it. Does anyone has any tips how to get over situation like this, please help? (talking to DH is not an option, I know he will defend for her and that is not I want to hear). This is not a troll, so please be serious. TIA
This is your problem. Not your MIL or what happened at your wedding. My MIL ruined our wedding too, an DH cut her off over it, so no problems persist between us. If your "D"H takes his mother's side routinely and not yours, your marriage is in trouble, no matter how fine it seems now.
Anonymous
09/02/2014 16:26
Subject: Re:Help me to forget it.
wow op. that's pretty bad. i am guilty of harboring resentment towards my mil for how she acted and treated people during our wedding planning process, but you must try to move on. don't get me wrong, seeing that side of her definitely colored my view and i can never go back to how i felt about her before. but, my interactions with her are limited, and seeing how unreasonable she is in general has made me realize that it's nothing personal, and that i expect the unreasonable from her...and she always meets my expectations 
Anonymous
09/02/2014 16:24
Subject: Help me to forget it.
Anonymous wrote:That was a husband problem. He should have told your mom no sleeping over and gotten her a hotel room and a cab. He should have told her he was not discussing the loan or whatever on his wedding night. Your husband has to speak up for his wife.
This. But it sounds like you knew he'd put his mom first going into this so not sure what you want us to tell you.
Anonymous
09/02/2014 16:24
Subject: Help me to forget it.
In laws can get weird around weddings. Add in kids and things get really weird. I just spent a week with my in-laws, and my MIL spent a party she hosted telling people I was going to get my PhD (I'm not), and the majority of the week offering helpful information on how to raise my toddler, since I "won't be with him very much while I work." So...am I supposed to have a PhD or be a stay at home parent? Unclear.
Anonymous
09/02/2014 16:23
Subject: Help me to forget it.
That was a husband problem. He should have told your mom no sleeping over and gotten her a hotel room and a cab. He should have told her he was not discussing the loan or whatever on his wedding night. Your husband has to speak up for his wife.
Anonymous
09/02/2014 16:23
Subject: Help me to forget it.
^^ I missed that you have a kid already.
But the larger point: How has she behaved since? Was this a one-off thing or part of a larger pattern?
If it's part of a larger pattern, you and DH have some work to do. He should be making you his top priority, not his mom.
But the larger point: How has she behaved since? Was this a one-off thing or part of a larger pattern?
If it's part of a larger pattern, you and DH have some work to do. He should be making you his top priority, not his mom.
Anonymous
09/02/2014 16:21
Subject: Help me to forget it.
Did DH speak to her about what she did? Did either of you stand up for yourselves at the time?
Honestly, I'd work on your own confidence level so with any future crazy behavior, you can speak up for yourself. That's the main thing you can do now.
How has she been since? Any other crazy boundary crossing?
The other thing is to think about is setting boundaries. For instance, I don't think I'd leave her alone in your home for any extended period of time. I would also consider that she'll need some guidance as to what is/isn't appropriate when you have a child, and that you and DH will need to talk about it and he will need to communicate those boundaries to her.
Finally, of course your relationship with her is not the same. She showed herself to be someone different than who you thought she was. And, you had a grievance with her that never got addressed. It's really too late to address that now, but consider the larger lesson that she's not the close friend you might have thought she was. That's painful, but sometimes it's best to adjust expectations of an IL relationship rather than hold the relationship to a standard it will never meet.
Try to be polite and civil and leave it at that. Let DH take the lead on the relationship with his mom. You don't have to have much of a relationship with her at all!
Honestly, I'd work on your own confidence level so with any future crazy behavior, you can speak up for yourself. That's the main thing you can do now.
How has she been since? Any other crazy boundary crossing?
The other thing is to think about is setting boundaries. For instance, I don't think I'd leave her alone in your home for any extended period of time. I would also consider that she'll need some guidance as to what is/isn't appropriate when you have a child, and that you and DH will need to talk about it and he will need to communicate those boundaries to her.
Finally, of course your relationship with her is not the same. She showed herself to be someone different than who you thought she was. And, you had a grievance with her that never got addressed. It's really too late to address that now, but consider the larger lesson that she's not the close friend you might have thought she was. That's painful, but sometimes it's best to adjust expectations of an IL relationship rather than hold the relationship to a standard it will never meet.
Try to be polite and civil and leave it at that. Let DH take the lead on the relationship with his mom. You don't have to have much of a relationship with her at all!
Anonymous
09/02/2014 16:19
Subject: Help me to forget it.
Anonymous wrote:OP, write it all down and then just trash it.
My MIL drove with my DH home from our reception in our rented car because she thought he was drunk (he wasn't). I had to beg a ride back from a random guest because I got left at our reception venue.
They also refused to sit at their designated seats of honor next to my parents. So my parents had to sit by themselves at the parent's table.
Weird things happen with in laws. Just live and let it go.
Ha ha, another good one.
Anonymous
09/02/2014 16:15
Subject: Help me to forget it.
OP, write it all down and then just trash it.
My MIL drove with my DH home from our reception in our rented car because she thought he was drunk (he wasn't). I had to beg a ride back from a random guest because I got left at our reception venue.
They also refused to sit at their designated seats of honor next to my parents. So my parents had to sit by themselves at the parent's table.
Weird things happen with in laws. Just live and let it go.
My MIL drove with my DH home from our reception in our rented car because she thought he was drunk (he wasn't). I had to beg a ride back from a random guest because I got left at our reception venue.
They also refused to sit at their designated seats of honor next to my parents. So my parents had to sit by themselves at the parent's table.
Weird things happen with in laws. Just live and let it go.
Anonymous
09/02/2014 16:09
Subject: Help me to forget it.
Where's video clip poster? We really need one of Elsa right about now.
Let. It. Go.
Let. It. Go.
Anonymous
09/02/2014 16:07
Subject: Help me to forget it.
Anonymous wrote:Wow, she stayed over ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT? That takes the cake. [/quote
I'd be more pissed at my husband than my MIL
Anonymous
09/02/2014 16:06
Subject: Help me to forget it.
You need to forget about the guest stuff. Trust me, no one cares that they didn't get the original favors you were givin them. Especially since 2 years have gone by. It's also pretty customary to ask the parents their preferences for where their friends sit and who they sit with.
As for the money stuff? I agree it's annoying and rude. But I'm guessing there is more involved regarding the loan and repayment. Also, you can't be mad at MiL for staying at your house. Your husband should have said no. Your husband should have gone to bed with you. You must have known his attachment to his mother. Your husband sounds just as annoying and inconsiderate as your MIL.
As for the money stuff? I agree it's annoying and rude. But I'm guessing there is more involved regarding the loan and repayment. Also, you can't be mad at MiL for staying at your house. Your husband should have said no. Your husband should have gone to bed with you. You must have known his attachment to his mother. Your husband sounds just as annoying and inconsiderate as your MIL.
Anonymous
09/02/2014 16:06
Subject: Help me to forget it.
Wow, she stayed over ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT? That takes the cake.
Anonymous
09/02/2014 16:05
Subject: Re:Help me to forget it.
Forgot I add,
now I regret I didn't say anything at the time. I was too timid and tired.
OP
now I regret I didn't say anything at the time. I was too timid and tired.
OP
Anonymous
09/02/2014 15:59
Subject: Help me to forget it.
It has been 2 years, but I can't let go of things that my MIL did on my wedding date. Every time anyone reminds me about it, my blood will be boiling. I haven't been treating her normal like pre-wedding day since then. I don't think she realized it. It is only hard on my side. What can I do to forget and/or forgive MIL? In case you may ask what she had done, despite we already had everything planed, she re-arranged her guests, re-arranged wedding favors between her guests and our friends tables (2 different favors), controlled wedding monetary gift box after the wedding (opened the gift cards and sum up the money without asking like she was doing me a favor) and suggested to use it to paid her back our loan (she lent us some money), stayed at our house on the wedding night, had a talk with DH about the monetary gift on that night so I ended up slept first. I am sure some of these got agreement from DH but given DH was tired and her child, I didn't blame DH much but I can't understand why MIL was so thoughtless and careless on that important occasion. This sometime holds me back from having a better relationship with MIL regardless how much care she gives me and DC. I don't want to hold a grudge but I just can't let go of it. Does anyone has any tips how to get over situation like this, please help? (talking to DH is not an option, I know he will defend for her and that is not I want to hear). This is not a troll, so please be serious. TIA