Anonymous
08/24/2014 23:54
Subject: If you have a parent with a personality disorder (or other serious mental illness)
My mom is a hoarder and my dad I suspect has some sort of neurosis... He is her doormat. They are not violent, they love my kid, but they are just weird. I am happy I live half way across the globe from them, so contact is very limited.
Anonymous
08/24/2014 23:37
Subject: If you have a parent with a personality disorder (or other serious mental illness)
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you can share some things with your child.
You can talk about the brain. How for healthy people, emotions are balanced. You feel sad when there's something to be sad about. You feel mad when there's something to be mad about. You can imagine how other people feel, and so before doing something mean, you think, "No, I should stop, this will hurt the other person's feelings." Part of what kids do, is learn all this stuff. It takes a while, but you mom and dad will help you think about your feelings and think about other people's feelings.
But some people don't have a healthy brain, even when they grow up, and they can't stop doing mean things, saying mean things. You know when you mom says, "How do you think that person feels?" and you can tell me? Well, gramma can't do that. She can't imagine how another person feels. So her brain's not always working the way it should.
I am a grown up now, and I can see that and understand it. I can tell when gramma is starting to think and behave in ways that aren't good for her, me, or you. I didn't understand it when I was a kid, because my own brain was still young and still learning. But I'm a grownup now and I understand how a healthy, grownup brain should work. I understand that a grown up shouldn't manipulate or say really mean things. So when that happens, I stop the playdate. That's it, no playdate.
My job is to make sure you're safe, that you're not hearing mean or bad things, and that the relationship is good. I don't want you feeling bad about something gramma's said, because her brain isn't working the way a grownup's should. Anything she says isn't your fault. I know that. So I listen for it and make sure it stops.
(Or whatever).
Thank you very much for this PP. Very helpful language to consider as I think about how best to shield my children from destructive family members.
Anonymous
08/24/2014 10:13
Subject: If you have a parent with a personality disorder (or other serious mental illness)
My MIL had schizophrenia. DH had a very limited relationship with her after years of total estrangement, but even arms-length was sometimes still too close. She never met DC. It wasn't a conscious decision -- logistics played a part. But she would never have been alone with DC. Ever. She died recently, removing any need to consider it further.
I have/had tremendous compassion for her. Her life was terrible and heartbreaking. Underneath the disorder, she was a brilliant, hilarious woman who I suspect I'd have liked very much. But that same illness destroyed DH's childhood and left terrible emotional scars and there was no way she was ever getting close enough to hurt our child.
I have/had tremendous compassion for her. Her life was terrible and heartbreaking. Underneath the disorder, she was a brilliant, hilarious woman who I suspect I'd have liked very much. But that same illness destroyed DH's childhood and left terrible emotional scars and there was no way she was ever getting close enough to hurt our child.
Anonymous
08/24/2014 09:46
Subject: Re:If you have a parent with a personality disorder (or other serious mental illness)
My mom has borderine personality disorder and bipolar. I tried to continue to have her in my life when my first child was young. I recently had my second and have completely cut her out of our lives. She made my childhood a living nightmare and I was afraid of her. After I had kids I became very angry because I cant imagine ever emotionally hurting my kids the way she hurt me. The only choice for me was to end the relationship.
Anonymous
08/24/2014 03:34
Subject: If you have a parent with a personality disorder (or other serious mental illness)
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you can share some things with your child.
You can talk about the brain. How for healthy people, emotions are balanced. You feel sad when there's something to be sad about. You feel mad when there's something to be mad about. You can imagine how other people feel, and so before doing something mean, you think, "No, I should stop, this will hurt the other person's feelings." Part of what kids do, is learn all this stuff. It takes a while, but you mom and dad will help you think about your feelings and think about other people's feelings.
But some people don't have a healthy brain, even when they grow up, and they can't stop doing mean things, saying mean things. You know when you mom says, "How do you think that person feels?" and you can tell me? Well, gramma can't do that. She can't imagine how another person feels. So her brain's not always working the way it should.
I am a grown up now, and I can see that and understand it. I can tell when gramma is starting to think and behave in ways that aren't good for her, me, or you. I didn't understand it when I was a kid, because my own brain was still young and still learning. But I'm a grownup now and I understand how a healthy, grownup brain should work. I understand that a grown up shouldn't manipulate or say really mean things. So when that happens, I stop the playdate. That's it, no playdate.
My job is to make sure you're safe, that you're not hearing mean or bad things, and that the relationship is good. I don't want you feeling bad about something gramma's said, because her brain isn't working the way a grownup's should. Anything she says isn't your fault. I know that. So I listen for it and make sure it stops.
(Or whatever).
NP here. Thank you for this wonderful explanation. I will use it!
Anonymous
08/24/2014 03:23
Subject: If you have a parent with a personality disorder (or other serious mental illness)
My mother is BP and refuses to be treated. She can be really sweet but she's also a loose canon. No one knows when she's going to have an outburst or what she'll do. My kids Skype ocasionally with her (she lives in another state). The kids have seen her in person twice and never been left alone with her.
Anonymous
08/24/2014 02:04
Subject: If you have a parent with a personality disorder (or other serious mental illness)
OP, I think you can share some things with your child.
You can talk about the brain. How for healthy people, emotions are balanced. You feel sad when there's something to be sad about. You feel mad when there's something to be mad about. You can imagine how other people feel, and so before doing something mean, you think, "No, I should stop, this will hurt the other person's feelings." Part of what kids do, is learn all this stuff. It takes a while, but you mom and dad will help you think about your feelings and think about other people's feelings.
But some people don't have a healthy brain, even when they grow up, and they can't stop doing mean things, saying mean things. You know when you mom says, "How do you think that person feels?" and you can tell me? Well, gramma can't do that. She can't imagine how another person feels. So her brain's not always working the way it should.
I am a grown up now, and I can see that and understand it. I can tell when gramma is starting to think and behave in ways that aren't good for her, me, or you. I didn't understand it when I was a kid, because my own brain was still young and still learning. But I'm a grownup now and I understand how a healthy, grownup brain should work. I understand that a grown up shouldn't manipulate or say really mean things. So when that happens, I stop the playdate. That's it, no playdate.
My job is to make sure you're safe, that you're not hearing mean or bad things, and that the relationship is good. I don't want you feeling bad about something gramma's said, because her brain isn't working the way a grownup's should. Anything she says isn't your fault. I know that. So I listen for it and make sure it stops.
(Or whatever).
You can talk about the brain. How for healthy people, emotions are balanced. You feel sad when there's something to be sad about. You feel mad when there's something to be mad about. You can imagine how other people feel, and so before doing something mean, you think, "No, I should stop, this will hurt the other person's feelings." Part of what kids do, is learn all this stuff. It takes a while, but you mom and dad will help you think about your feelings and think about other people's feelings.
But some people don't have a healthy brain, even when they grow up, and they can't stop doing mean things, saying mean things. You know when you mom says, "How do you think that person feels?" and you can tell me? Well, gramma can't do that. She can't imagine how another person feels. So her brain's not always working the way it should.
I am a grown up now, and I can see that and understand it. I can tell when gramma is starting to think and behave in ways that aren't good for her, me, or you. I didn't understand it when I was a kid, because my own brain was still young and still learning. But I'm a grownup now and I understand how a healthy, grownup brain should work. I understand that a grown up shouldn't manipulate or say really mean things. So when that happens, I stop the playdate. That's it, no playdate.
My job is to make sure you're safe, that you're not hearing mean or bad things, and that the relationship is good. I don't want you feeling bad about something gramma's said, because her brain isn't working the way a grownup's should. Anything she says isn't your fault. I know that. So I listen for it and make sure it stops.
(Or whatever).
Anonymous
08/24/2014 00:24
Subject: If you have a parent with a personality disorder (or other serious mental illness)
Op here - thanks for all the feedback. Another question I have is how do you deal with your own unresolved feelings? In our case, one of our kids is getting very attached to the grandparent and I see that some elements of the relationship are unhealthy. I try to separate out my own experience from what I see with the kids, but of course it stirs up a lot. I'm in therapy already and I try to be really positive with the kids about the grandparent but it's so hard sometimes. As I type this I realize it's just nice to have a place to share since I obviously can't talk about it with my kids and DH is supportive but doesn't 'get' it in the same way because he doesn't have the history and isn't the target of the behaviors like I was/am. Thanks DCUM.
Anonymous
08/23/2014 21:33
Subject: If you have a parent with a personality disorder (or other serious mental illness)
FIL is completely cut off from us. Too toxic. MIL is on her way to being cut off. (They divorced years before we had kids.) Because they are my DH's parents, he decides but I feel terrible for my kids. My parents are dead. I love the idea of grandparents but ILs are too toxic.
Anonymous
08/23/2014 21:33
Subject: If you have a parent with a personality disorder (or other serious mental illness)
I can tell you what a friend of mind does, whose mum has a personality disorder (and is downright selfish, mean, and verbally abusive, or at least was when she was a kid)...
She keeps the interactions SHORT and is HONEST (with compassion) with her children. She doesn't raise her voice or yell or argue, because you can't argue with a crazy person.
She keeps the interactions SHORT and is HONEST (with compassion) with her children. She doesn't raise her voice or yell or argue, because you can't argue with a crazy person.
Anonymous
08/23/2014 21:21
Subject: If you have a parent with a personality disorder (or other serious mental illness)
It is HARD. My mom definitely says lots of disturbing things in front of dd, who is a toddler. I wonder what she will say/ask us about when she is older.
Anonymous
08/23/2014 21:13
Subject: If you have a parent with a personality disorder (or other serious mental illness)
Incredibly limited contact. Once every few years. As horrible as it sounds, I almost hope he dies before my kids are old enough to understand he's my father. He is a sad and sorry sick old man now, but was a violent, horrible man with untreated bipolar II disorder for my childhood. He is no longer violent or scary but is still a narcissist. If it weren't for my siblings he would not be a part of my life at all. I endure occasional holiday visits with them, and may have to decide whether or not to bring my kids this year. He is lovely to them but it is contrived and strained.
Anonymous
08/23/2014 21:07
Subject: Re:If you have a parent with a personality disorder (or other serious mental illness)
We have extremely limited contact. It really sucks but it's the only way it can work. Skype every few months.
Anonymous
08/23/2014 21:00
Subject: If you have a parent with a personality disorder (or other serious mental illness)
MIL is schizophrenic and heavily medicated.
We have a relationship with then and our biggest issue is that she wants to force them to show and receive physical affection. They hate hugs kisses and sitting on her lap but she insists on it and throws a fit when they walk away from her or cry when she forces them.
Besides that we have a fairly normal relationship.
We have a relationship with then and our biggest issue is that she wants to force them to show and receive physical affection. They hate hugs kisses and sitting on her lap but she insists on it and throws a fit when they walk away from her or cry when she forces them.
Besides that we have a fairly normal relationship.
Anonymous
08/23/2014 18:29
Subject: If you have a parent with a personality disorder (or other serious mental illness)
What is your relationship like with them as an adult? If you have kids do they have a relationship with the person? I've been thinking a lot about this as I get older and my kids get to an age where they can understand more. In our case, the grandparent is very positive towards the kids (for now) and I want them to have a good relationship but it seems complicated. Just wondering how others have navigated similar situations?