Anonymous
Post 08/24/2014 02:24     Subject: Re:Ugh, my mother's birthday is in a few days...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Send her a cake from some fancy cupcake place. Send her a flock of pink flamingos with a huge sign in the yard wishing her a happy 60th. Send her a card "signed" by her grandchildren with their handprints. Give her one gift: A picture of her with her grandchildren. Have your father take her out to her favorite restaurant. That way she can't complain no one did anything and you don't have to put up with anything on the day.


I have this mother also. She is now in her mid-seventies. She pulled the birthday crap with me when i was in kindergarten!!! I remember how she shamed me for not giving her a present - i still remember how awful and confused i felt as i dashed to my room to find an art project (this little plaster flower pot that i had half painted ... It was not very attractive) and quickly wrapped it up in some tissues. She opened it, made sort of a displeased face and left it on the kitchen counter. I was FIVE freaking years old. As a teen i worked so could save up to buy more expensive gifts that she often specifically asked for. As an adult i have planned numerous elaborate parties for her, often to her specifications. Also very generous gifts that she usually requests. Unfortunately she has only become more demanding. Not only about her birthday but in general.
I am not wealthy (at all), work 10 hours a day or longer, and am a single parent to four extremely busy children. I am so worn out most of the time taking care of my own household i simply have nothing left to give the last few years. She is angry with me most of time for not doing enough for her, giving her enough attention, etc. it completely sucks and just leaves me feeling worthless. My advice to you is to not try too hard to please your mom on her birthday - the flamingos, the handprint card, etc. i always have done this sort of thing and just has never satisfied her. It's bullshit, OP. this is not what mothers are supposed to do.


A PP here. This makes me so sad! I feel so sory for that little 5-year-old. Your mother clearly is mentally ill if she did that to you when you were in kindergarten. Forget trying to please her; she is a misery. Sounds like you have enough on your plate and four people who really need you. I'm sorry your mom sucks. Some of us are just unlucky in the parent lottery.
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2014 00:53     Subject: Re:Ugh, my mother's birthday is in a few days...
Anonymous wrote:Send her a cake from some fancy cupcake place. Send her a flock of pink flamingos with a huge sign in the yard wishing her a happy 60th. Send her a card "signed" by her grandchildren with their handprints. Give her one gift: A picture of her with her grandchildren. Have your father take her out to her favorite restaurant. That way she can't complain no one did anything and you don't have to put up with anything on the day.


I have this mother also. She is now in her mid-seventies. She pulled the birthday crap with me when i was in kindergarten!!! I remember how she shamed me for not giving her a present - i still remember how awful and confused i felt as i dashed to my room to find an art project (this little plaster flower pot that i had half painted ... It was not very attractive) and quickly wrapped it up in some tissues. She opened it, made sort of a displeased face and left it on the kitchen counter. I was FIVE freaking years old. As a teen i worked so could save up to buy more expensive gifts that she often specifically asked for. As an adult i have planned numerous elaborate parties for her, often to her specifications. Also very generous gifts that she usually requests. Unfortunately she has only become more demanding. Not only about her birthday but in general.
I am not wealthy (at all), work 10 hours a day or longer, and am a single parent to four extremely busy children. I am so worn out most of the time taking care of my own household i simply have nothing left to give the last few years. She is angry with me most of time for not doing enough for her, giving her enough attention, etc. it completely sucks and just leaves me feeling worthless. My advice to you is to not try too hard to please your mom on her birthday - the flamingos, the handprint card, etc. i always have done this sort of thing and just has never satisfied her. It's bullshit, OP. this is not what mothers are supposed to do.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 23:24     Subject: Re:Ugh, my mother's birthday is in a few days...
My mother is like this in some ways--still wants a fuss made about her even though she is 70 and we children don't expect family parties/want to celebrate our birthdays that way. The difference is my mom is divorced so I can understand why she would want the attention (not that I give it to her). If it's your mom's birthday the question is why is she looking to you and not her husband? Why aren't they doing something? With your responsibilities I would just explain that it is not within your time budget to host a party for her and ask her what your dad has planned. And why wouldn't she rather do something fun and adult than do cake and ice cream like a kid?
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 21:41     Subject: Ugh, my mother's birthday is in a few days...
Anonymous wrote:What sad, sad judgmental lives you live...


No. OP's mother sounds like a self-involved piece of work. Who lobbies behind their daughter's back by complaining to toddler grandchildren about not getting a birthday party?? What grown woman spends time trying to make sure people know she wants a birthday party WHILE she is at her granddaughter's birthday party?? Bizarre. Sounds like stunted emotional development and narcissism.

OP, your mother's birthday is your father's responsibility. Going forward, tell him ahead of time what he needs to do: buy the cake, order in Chinese food, buy flowers (or whatever). Alternatively, you could have fun by ironically making a party for your mother that is like a 4-year-old's party, since that's how she's acting. Get kiddie decorations, a kiddie cake, and have your children make a card. Buy her flowers so that every year the present is easy: a bouquet of flowers.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 17:15     Subject: Ugh, my mother's birthday is in a few days...
What sad, sad judgmental lives you live...
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 16:24     Subject: Re:Ugh, my mother's birthday is in a few days...
Anonymous wrote:Send her a cake from some fancy cupcake place. Send her a flock of pink flamingos with a huge sign in the yard wishing her a happy 60th. Send her a card "signed" by her grandchildren with their handprints. Give her one gift: A picture of her with her grandchildren. Have your father take her out to her favorite restaurant. That way she can't complain no one did anything and you don't have to put up with anything on the day.


Great ideas!
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 13:03     Subject: Re:Ugh, my mother's birthday is in a few days...
Send her a cake from some fancy cupcake place. Send her a flock of pink flamingos with a huge sign in the yard wishing her a happy 60th. Send her a card "signed" by her grandchildren with their handprints. Give her one gift: A picture of her with her grandchildren. Have your father take her out to her favorite restaurant. That way she can't complain no one did anything and you don't have to put up with anything on the day.

Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 09:12     Subject: Ugh, my mother's birthday is in a few days...
Anonymous wrote:I would decline. She continues this behavior because no one says anything to her.


OP here--I've tried, and been called disrespectful, and get the full wrath of mom. I don't engage anymore.

She called here while posting to see "what the plan is". I asked to speak with my dad, who was completely oblivious. I basically said if there's no party, there's no reason for me (or grandkids to visit today) He's going to pick up a cake. So, thanks to her badgering me, she's getting her party.

At least they babysit. Overnight, even. ONLY reason I deal with this.

Thanks for the replies. I think you've all convinced me I need to talk to someone about this, because yes, there are other issues at stake here...
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 09:05     Subject: Ugh, my mother's birthday is in a few days...
I would decline. She continues this behavior because no one says anything to her.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 09:02     Subject: Ugh, my mother's birthday is in a few days...
Anonymous wrote:Go, but don't do any of the work; throwing the party is your dad's job. I suspect your mom will put something together for herself. It sounds like you have an antagonism toward your mother that goes beyond the birthday thing. Is she self-centered in all ways or is she just nuts when it comes to her birthday?


Yes, she is this way in all things...something I came to realize as an adult (actually, after I had kids and she got less attention from me). She's not all bad, but I never know when the weirdness will strike.

She wont put something together for herself. If she doesn't get a party thrown for her, she will pout and complain to the grandkids about it for the next year while I'm not listening. Then they will say how we have to get grandma a birthday cake so she wont be sad anymore (occurred 4 year ago, told to me by my then 4 year old.)
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 09:00     Subject: Ugh, my mother's birthday is in a few days...

I feel for you, OP. It seems as if there is a lot of history there.
Do you want to support your father in this? Do you think he would appreciate your presence?
This has always been my dilemma with my own mother - I go to enjoy some time with my dad.

As a mature person, you have to stay polite, bring a token present, and sing happy birthday. You are also a guest and should not organize anything.

Or you can politely decline, and send a token present.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 09:00     Subject: Ugh, my mother's birthday is in a few days...
Anonymous wrote:Go, but don't do any of the work; throwing the party is your dad's job. I suspect your mom will put something together for herself. It sounds like you have an antagonism toward your mother that goes beyond the birthday thing. Is she self-centered in all ways or is she just nuts when it comes to her birthday?

Yea, this. What else is going on??
Because honestly if she was so hyped about a party she could have thrown one for herself .
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 08:54     Subject: Ugh, my mother's birthday is in a few days...
Go, but don't do any of the work; throwing the party is your dad's job. I suspect your mom will put something together for herself. It sounds like you have an antagonism toward your mother that goes beyond the birthday thing. Is she self-centered in all ways or is she just nuts when it comes to her birthday?
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 08:46     Subject: Ugh, my mother's birthday is in a few days...
And it's the same nightmare that it has been ever since I had kids. At every grandchild's birthday party, she is sure to remind them that HER birthday is in August. Never mind the fact that she ignored my birthday this year (which was a "big" one)--in January. I got a present from her a week ago because at early August grandchild's birthday party, she said "my birthday is in August too, I want my party & cake too, like everyone else" and I had to point out that "no, I didn't have a party, or cake." So then she hurried up and sent me the present she claims that she had all year (but was just bought on Amazon a week ago) and just yesterday was saying that she needs a party too.

I don't care about having a party or presents! I do care about having to pander to a soon-to-be 60 year old woman who feels the need draw away the attention from the birthday girl at a 2 year old's party. Supposed to go over there tonight for her "party". (which I'm not lifting a finger for) She is the one who keeps mentioning this to me as if I'm going to do something about it. I texted my dad last night asking about it, and he had no idea who the party was supposed to be for. So I texted him this morning asking if he was planning to have a party for her and have had no reply. Tempted to skip the whole trip to grandma's...

WWYD?