Anonymous
Post 08/22/2014 12:47     Subject: Would you move to another state if you were divorced and had kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's terrible that their mom moved away. What an awful thing to do to kids. I would absolutely not move away from my children while they are still in high school or younger, and I would have no respect for my husband if he abandoned his kids like that. Just because his ex did it doesn't make it right.


The father could have negotiated no move was allowed in custody agreement when it was hammered out, particularly if they had joint custody, which I'm guessing he never wanted or didn't get for a good reason. This stipulation is made all the time.

He probably was an absentee father from pre-divorce.


Not OP, but obviously you are clueless if you think that it is that easy for a father to get custody or even 50/50. Years ago, the best dads got was every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer. Many of those orders are still in effect as judges don't like to change status quo.

OP, in our situation with very limited contact due to the mom, I would move if it were best for our family. If he seems them a lot and is very involved, then you have to look at the total situation. If mom doesn't support visitation, then I would go and just be prepared to pay for plane tickets a few times a year for visits. Reality is if he doesn't have 50/50 and just 2 weeks a month, the contact is positive for the kids but not that substantial when you look at it over a year.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2014 12:46     Subject: Would you move to another state if you were divorced and had kids?
Anonymous wrote:Why the hell would anyone want to move to Arizona? I'm from there and would never move back.


Nailed it.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2014 12:46     Subject: Would you move to another state if you were divorced and had kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here - he is as involved as he can be. They were only married for two years, after first kid was born. It was a mistake and she has always been extremely difficult to deal with. She doesn't allow him to be involved past a certain point. One kid is in high school and the other in middle school. He is definitely concerned, but overall I think men are able to compartmentalize emotions/issues when making decisions. I forgot to add that most of his family lives in the DC area, another reason I feel bad, though you really can't be tied to a certain place because of this. We also have two young kids together.

I know that it will be best for us to live and work somewhere that we want to establish roots but I also know that I am going to be the scapegoat for the decision and will feel guilty leaving. The other option is to wait until the kids graduate high school, but by then our kids will be older and it will be harder to move them from their elementary school and life here.


How does he have a kid in high school and a kid in middle school and yet was divorced two years after the first kid? Did they have second child after divorce? It was a mistake twice?

She might be difficult but he clearly didn't want to put up a fight either. He had legal rights. Period. Lots of people make this decision but don't make up bullshit excuses for him. It sucks for those kids. And don't think they don't get it.


Definitely sucks, but how much better would it be in 4-6 years?
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2014 12:42     Subject: Would you move to another state if you were divorced and had kids?
Wait to move until they finish high school.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2014 12:42     Subject: Would you move to another state if you were divorced and had kids?
Anonymous wrote:OP here - he is as involved as he can be. They were only married for two years, after first kid was born. It was a mistake and she has always been extremely difficult to deal with. She doesn't allow him to be involved past a certain point. One kid is in high school and the other in middle school. He is definitely concerned, but overall I think men are able to compartmentalize emotions/issues when making decisions. I forgot to add that most of his family lives in the DC area, another reason I feel bad, though you really can't be tied to a certain place because of this. We also have two young kids together.

I know that it will be best for us to live and work somewhere that we want to establish roots but I also know that I am going to be the scapegoat for the decision and will feel guilty leaving. The other option is to wait until the kids graduate high school, but by then our kids will be older and it will be harder to move them from their elementary school and life here.


How does he have a kid in high school and a kid in middle school and yet was divorced two years after the first kid? Did they have second child after divorce? It was a mistake twice?

She might be difficult but he clearly didn't want to put up a fight either. He had legal rights. Period. Lots of people make this decision but don't make up bullshit excuses for him. It sucks for those kids. And don't think they don't get it.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2014 12:37     Subject: Would you move to another state if you were divorced and had kids?
Why the hell would anyone want to move to Arizona? I'm from there and would never move back.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2014 12:33     Subject: Would you move to another state if you were divorced and had kids?
Anonymous wrote:It's terrible that their mom moved away. What an awful thing to do to kids. I would absolutely not move away from my children while they are still in high school or younger, and I would have no respect for my husband if he abandoned his kids like that. Just because his ex did it doesn't make it right.


The father could have negotiated no move was allowed in custody agreement when it was hammered out, particularly if they had joint custody, which I'm guessing he never wanted or didn't get for a good reason. This stipulation is made all the time.

He probably was an absentee father from pre-divorce.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2014 12:31     Subject: Would you move to another state if you were divorced and had kids?
OP here - he is as involved as he can be. They were only married for two years, after first kid was born. It was a mistake and she has always been extremely difficult to deal with. She doesn't allow him to be involved past a certain point. One kid is in high school and the other in middle school. He is definitely concerned, but overall I think men are able to compartmentalize emotions/issues when making decisions. I forgot to add that most of his family lives in the DC area, another reason I feel bad, though you really can't be tied to a certain place because of this. We also have two young kids together.

I know that it will be best for us to live and work somewhere that we want to establish roots but I also know that I am going to be the scapegoat for the decision and will feel guilty leaving. The other option is to wait until the kids graduate high school, but by then our kids will be older and it will be harder to move them from their elementary school and life here.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2014 12:22     Subject: Re:Would you move to another state if you were divorced and had kids?
Agree with PP. He is making argument to make him look more responsible father or to make him not as guilty to move.
I wonder how many times he has seen the kids since they are back. Every other weekend doesn't seem a lot and how recently is it you said. While in that time, he was looking for opportunity in Arizona. He made up his mind to move there already while the kids are here close to him.
The kids are in their teenage time. They can do live chat, email, texting, calling with him any time. If you are both want to move, I don't see any concern here.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2014 12:20     Subject: Would you move to another state if you were divorced and had kids?
I am a stepmom, DH's ex wife also moved right after they got divorced to be closer to her family, he actually followed her after a year because he couldnt stand being away from his son. Both of us would love to leave DC as we have zero family or support here, and we are only sticking it out until DSS goes off to college (so we say now... but things might change as at that point the kids we have together will be in elementary school).

Only to say - I couldn't do this to my stepson never mind my own children, and I am pretty sure I would start to have major concerns about my DH if he even considered it.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2014 12:13     Subject: Would you move to another state if you were divorced and had kids?
It's terrible that their mom moved away. What an awful thing to do to kids. I would absolutely not move away from my children while they are still in high school or younger, and I would have no respect for my husband if he abandoned his kids like that. Just because his ex did it doesn't make it right.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2014 12:12     Subject: Would you move to another state if you were divorced and had kids?
It's your DH's kids so he's in the best place to judge whether he should move or not (for them). How old are the kids?
Do you have kids?
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2014 12:12     Subject: Re:Would you move to another state if you were divorced and had kids?
And to directly answer your question, no I would not move to another state if I was divorced and had kids. But what really matters is what your DH would do and clearly he would and probably will.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2014 12:10     Subject: Re:Would you move to another state if you were divorced and had kids?
It sounds like he's already not involved in his children's lives and being a dad is not a priority. He saw his kids 3 times a year for five years??? There is no way in hell I would ever allow that to happen. The kids already have the message loud and clear that they are not his priority. He's saying things that indicate he'd like to move. He's making the argument to move while you are the one who is concerned about the impact on the kids, further proving they're not a priority. So move to Arizona.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2014 12:04     Subject: Would you move to another state if you were divorced and had kids?
DH has two kids from a previous marriage. At one point their mom moved to another state for 5 years but recently moved back. He sees them every other weekend now whereas before it was 3 times a year. DH has always wanted to to relocate to Arizona and was recently offered a great job opportunity. I've also been interested in moving to the west coast but am concerned about the impact on the kids who are now used to seeing him on a more regular basis. DH is too, but argues that in a few years they'll be off to college and that it would be a shame to lose out on the opportunity and likes the idea of investing in a location where we'd eventually like to retire. Thoughts?