My ILs are fine, but we had to set a lot of boundaries with my FIL. He would, for example, announce that he'd be coming for a visit in a week, and would plan to crash on our couch (we were living in a 2BR/1BA with our then-infant). I wanted more notice, wanted him to stay in a hotel, and didn't want him to be coming down every month.

First, I think your DH has to be the one to set the terms. My DH and I talked it over and came to some compromises before either of us said anything to my FIL. We agreed that we needed some notice (2 weeks) before a visit, and that parents (both mine and his) would stay in a hotel. He told my FIL this, I communicated it to my family.

Second, it sounds like you just feel like you owe her a visit without her or your DH requesting one. In that case, I have learned not to say anything. Early on in our marriage I sometimes would say to DH "I feel like we should go visit your family for x/y/z" and he never said the same (although he likes my family a lot). So, I stopped. If and when he wants to go see his family, he can suggest it. If and when his family feels like w're due for a visit, they can say something.

Tell your husband that due to his mother's personality that his mother is allowed to visit when he is at home. If he is working, then she needs to move to a hotel or you and the baby will. She has the choice to visit for a weekend, a long weekend or harass her son into being home more so that she can visit longer.

Anonymous wrote:You are creating a problem where there is none. You owe her nothing. You need to stop manufacturing drama by inventing problems, and stop using the word "however" as your crutch.

+1

10:04 and 10:06 are same PP.

Wait, I just saw the bit about her not talking to you for three months. Nope. Don't feel obligated at all.

Enjoy your vacation with DH, let DH handle all comms with his mom, and wait until he mentions wanting to see her.

OP,

Congratulations on your new baby. I am in a very similar situation with my MIL (she's selfish and never been nice to me), with one major difference. My DH would never think that I would entertain his mother while he works 12 hr days nor would we (MIL and I) wish to spend all that time together.

We now have DC#2 and I have not gone out of my way to let them see him b/c of what happened when we had DC#1.

I went out of my way after a very bad c-section recovery to let them meet DC#1 and the first thing she did when meeting her was to announce that she would never change a diaper. We had never asked her to, but I was stunned that she needed to say that.

The second time she saw her (this time they stayed with us) she refused to watch her for 20 minutes while I had to pump (DH and FIL were tending to this one gutter that DH needed someone to hold the ladder for during the time). She also came to visit while she was sick.

I have resisted their requests to stay with us after she invited her side of the family to a barbecue at our house without asking me (even as an empty gesture) and let DH and I do all of the hosting. Never even offered to lift a finger (even as an empty gesture), and also when she arrived 3 hours early when we were hosting DH's paternal grandmother's 90th birthday. They just walked right in and DH and I had not even had a chance to shower. We were still cleaning our house (pre-housekeeper days).

As a result of these interactions, I have not let them stay with us when they come through town. Fortunately, FIL has 3 other family members in the area they can stay with and MIL has 2 family members who are about 2 hours or so away. This time around they came by for a few hours when DC#2 was 3 months old.

For those of you who think this is harsh, you should remember that there isn't that much to do when kids are this young. Plus I knew the ILs would refuse to even consider getting vaccinated for pertussis.

Don't go out of your way for your ILs. Let your MIL reach out to our husband. They are his parents and he should be there if they are coming over. If she doesn't like this, she needs to start acting nicer or get over it.

Be clear with DH: It is a long weekend visit in which DH takes the Friday and/or Monday off, or not at all.

You say you only saw her once or twice a year before, yes? Stick with that.

If DH wants more (does he? Or is this just you feeling guilty?), he needs to put forth the effort to make it workable for you.

You are creating a problem where there is none. You owe her nothing. You need to stop manufacturing drama by inventing problems, and stop using the word "however" as your crutch.

Hotel for MIL if you let her visit...only have her over when your DH is home and he can entertain her. Do not spend your vacation time on her if you won't enjoy it. And do nOT feel guilty about it.

Did she ask for a vacay together or did you come up with that yourself? Either way, no need to invite your ILs on your vacation.

Now that your baby is a bit older, have an itinerary set for when she comes to visit. Go out for manicures and brunch with your friends so she can babysit and get special bonding time (assuming you trust her, even if you don't like her, and she's happy to babysit - my parents practically beg me for alone time with the baby when they come to visit). Get some passes to baby music classes for your MIL to take baby to while you get some alone time. Basically break up the party - either you get out of the house once a day or she and baby go off on their own everyday while she visits. Don't sit around idley. Let her know ahead of time that plan on making her visit useful and then use that extra set of hands to get a project done or just get in a few extra yoga classes that week.

She needs to start believing in weekend visits while you're DH is home. Don't ruin your vacation or holiday, you need that time, esp when you have a baby. There is no frequency of visits written in stone. I would focus on skyping and tell your Dh to tell her to come for a weekend. It will get worse if you don't set boundaries

Don't set up that expectation now. Is she asking to come visit? I wouldn't offer if she is not asking.

Jesus, don't be such a fucking doormat.

Tell her that she can visit you for 3, maybe 4, days at a time. Long weekends so your husband will be around. And go on your own vacation.

Just because she WANTS to visit for a week doesn't mean you have to allow it.

All of these obligations are strange. You have an infant. You don't have to vacation with your mil. You don't have to host her for a week. Free yoursel. Set limits.

I've been married 10 years. My in-laws live in Florida. They have never been nice to me, create stress and drama all the time, and don't like me, and I don't like spending time with them. Previously we have seen them once or maybe twice a year, which is plenty. Now we have an infant (their first and only grandchild) and I feel obligated to visit with the in-laws even though the visits always turn out stressful and awful and there is always so much drama.

The main issue is visits with MIL. MIL came when the baby was born, then visited for a week when baby was 3 months, and now baby is 8 months and I feel like I owe her another visit. The problem is if she visits us she always stays for a week (which is way too long), because she doesn't believe in weekend visits, and DH never takes any vacation time, and he works 12 hour days, so I am stuck entertaining MIL for 12 hours per day and she and I don't get along, so it's always a stressful visit and she spends the whole time criticizing me and my housekeeping, parenting skills, etc.

So I was thinking maybe the best idea is a vacation together somewhere--that way MIL can see her grandchild but I won't have to host her at our house along with all the stress that comes with that.

However, DH and I have not been on a single vacation in 3 years. We need this to be a fun and relaxing vacation. He has a vacation week that we'd like to use to go somewhere coming up.

However, should I feel obligated to invite MIL on this vacation, if not for the whole week then for a few days so she can see her only grandchild? For as much as she doesn't like me and is not nice to me, she is a very loving grandmother and adores her grandchild. She hasn't seen her grandchild in 5 months, so I feel like I owe her a visit. However, for 3 of those months, MIL decided not to speak to us because she was holding a grudge about something. Should I feel like we are obligated to invite her on this much needed vacation?

Thanksgiving is another option--we don't typically celebrate holidays with my in-laws (because when we have in the past MIL has created drama and the holidays have been awful). I was thinking for Thanksgiving we could invite them to a resort somewhere and spend Thanksgiving there, however, then it will have been 7 months since MIL saw her grandchild and maybe that's too long?

Any advice?