Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say how refreshing you are, OP! It's not often on this site that people acknowledge their part of an issue. I think your self-awareness and desire to make changes will serve you well! Hugs!

12:39 again. I forgot to add that I'm in a similar position with my ILs. I focus on allowing myself to not be responsible - that is, my DH is responsible for his relationship with his parents, I'm not responsible for them having a good time, being entertained, getting their preferred food, etc. I offer suggestions to my DH and am always civil/polite/respectful but I don't take any ownership of their visit. It's helped my sanity tremendously.

I understand that your DH is responsible for his relationship with them, but why would you not want to take any ownership for visitors in your home, visitors to whom you are related? My own mom can peeve me, but I still want to be sure that she has a good time when she visits. No, that doesn't mean breaking my back or going to extreme lengths, but still...
Do you not want to have more than a polite relationship with your IL'S or is that impossible for some reason?

Anonymous wrote:You are the problem, OP.because you are rigid and inhospitable. Try Being nice and maybe you could make an effort not to be such a PITA.

Yet another asshole inlaw. OP, ignore this troll. I think it's great that you are trying to find ways to be more relaxed around your inlaws.

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say how refreshing you are, OP! It's not often on this site that people acknowledge their part of an issue. I think your self-awareness and desire to make changes will serve you well! Hugs!

12:39 again. I forgot to add that I'm in a similar position with my ILs. I focus on allowing myself to not be responsible - that is, my DH is responsible for his relationship with his parents, I'm not responsible for them having a good time, being entertained, getting their preferred food, etc. I offer suggestions to my DH and am always civil/polite/respectful but I don't take any ownership of their visit. It's helped my sanity tremendously.

I just want to say how refreshing you are, OP! It's not often on this site that people acknowledge their part of an issue. I think your self-awareness and desire to make changes will serve you well! Hugs!

You are the problem, OP.because you are rigid and inhospitable. Try Being nice and maybe you could make an effort not to be such a PITA.

It depends on what the issue is. I'm pretty stringent about naps so that DS doesn't get really cranky. I also have no problem telling visiting relatives that I'm tired too and am going to lie down at nap time or go to bed early. Or you could have DH and the kids go out with them while you get stuff done around the house. It sounds like you need more quiet downtime to keep your sanity.

I'm sympathetic, OP; I've got similarly benign ILs for the most part but I want to lose it at times…it's hard to have people in your "nest" and you find yourself unable to stay run the nest without being rude.

My kids are older now (9 and 11) and I've found I'm more easy going. Don't know how old your kids are but when my kids were younger, there is so much hands-on going on that it's hard when the routine or the house is spinning out of control.

One thing that used to drive me insane…ok it's going to sound so anal when said in a vacuum….is that they read the paper, and every single surface of the common areas of the house had sections of the paper on it. Sometimes on the floor, too. And every day, they'd get another paper, and there were more sections. No one would clean it up; no one would throw it out, and if I said, "are you done with this section/can I throw out last Wednesday's paper?" "oh no, leave it there for X, she hasn't read it yet" OMG I felt like they were dogs pissing on my territory.

ok that's a tangent but had to share, LOL

I try to remember that they are only in my house for x amount of time, and sort of do a mental countdown, and list to myself things I will do the moment they leave.

I try to remember that how I treat my parents and ILs will teach my kids how to treat me. I also try to learn from it; to make a mental note to "not do X behavior" with my own kids and their spouses one day.

On the flip side, there are a couple of behaviors that are not totally benign and when my kids got older, I let them know--because I want to limit the amount of their influence (modeling) on my kids.

One is my MIL is sedentary and spends ALL DAY watching the news. And eating really unhealthy food. Her physical state is bad and with my kids I've linked it to her diet and lack of exercise.

On a more serious note, my FIL is probably a high-functioning alcoholic and I've had to totally throw him under the bus to the kids (behind his back) so as to keep them from spontaneously hopping in the car with him. This strategy worked: 6 months ago our kids and a subset of our extended family were going to drive to a local attraction, and someone else was going to drive, but right before they left, my kid came running in to me to whisper that in fact my FIL was behind the wheel. It was awkward but I took care of it, and that would have never happened had I not started talking honestly with my kids a while before.

OP, I think it would be very reasonable to say, "Phyllis, I'm glad you enjoy our neighbors so much. Would it be possible for you to refrain from discussing personal details much as my recent health scare? These are topics I prefer to keep to close family only."

Or something similar. I would be v upset at this privacy violation, no matter how "nice" IL's are otherwise

OP, your last line is your whole problem. Reasonable people ask, reasonable people adjust.

Nothing new here - may as well rehash all the old threads on this.

State and insist on what you need. They stay at a hotel and have visiting time at your house on your schedule, when convenient.

I totally understand what you feel OP. I'm in the same situation but I don't have the answer for you because it is how I am. I want to have control over my kid's activities, food, schedule and we don't have anything in common. I don't think I can change myself when it is something about my kid. Before having kid, it was easier to deal with it but now anything with kid will just drive me nut. Plus my ILs live close by (20mins drive) and visit often that makes it builds up faster and I am very at the edge.

My cousin suggested that I should think that my kid will grow up, and grow out of the stage I want to have control over very soon, then all of these won't be big deals anymore, also that anything I may do about it just causes DH to be the middle man. HTH

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't sound like a "bigger person" situation, because it doesn't sound like they're doing anything wrong. It sounds like this is more about your own rigidity and need for control, which is something you have to work on in yourself.

OP, here. Yes, I think this is mostly right. I mean, they do things and have habits that are pretty objectively irritating BUT I think that's true for almost all of us (including me) and overall they are good people. I should be able to ignore my MIL telling our neighbors very personal details about my life (and my kids' lives) because she has to talk to everyone about everything etc. but I get red in the face when I hear her doing it or hear that she's done it.

Do you have suggestions for working on myself? I AM rigid. Probably a bit controlling too but I try and save it for things related to my kids that I actually think impact their well being and health. And I can act differently (i.e., let my MIL yap to neighbors and refrain from giving her an outright evil eye) but inside I simmer.

This doesn't sound like a "bigger person" situation, because it doesn't sound like they're doing anything wrong. It sounds like this is more about your own rigidity and need for control, which is something you have to work on in yourself.

I actually like my MIL, its hard because she doesn't do anything remotely feminine and but also isn't very sporty/ coordinated so I struggle finding things to do with her because those are my interests- but I like her and she's a good person and kind and caring even if she is also kind of stoic/ not super warm.

BUT I still try to build some time in for her and my DH to visit just the 2 of them when she is here because I think that's actually important, so they do a lunch or museum together or something for a few hours. Or they both take LO together and then I REALLY get a bonus break

DH's step-dad (didnt' raise him, mom remarried when we were in our 20s) is a whole other ball of wax. For him, my coping skills require wine.

When my in-laws come into town, I have DH take them out to dinner, just the three of them, and I stay home to watch the kids. The kids are in bed by the time they leave and I get the house to myself and quiet time, and they get alone time with their son.

I need tips for focusing on the good in my inlaws instead of being driven crazy by the annoying things they say and do. They are NOT bad people. I know some here have real inlaw nightmares. They are nice to me and my kids and love their child (my spouse) very much. But when they visit, I am constantly on edge. And I'd like to both be nicer and also feel more relaxed. But when my house is turned upside down, my kids are cranky because their routine has been ignored and they are way over stimulated, and I'm tired because we have no quiet time the things I should ignore drive me nutty.

Anyone BTDT and somehow found a way to be the bigger person?

(PS, if a hotel was an option, we'd be doing great. But they wouldn't ever consider it and we can't really ask them to.)