hmmm... my dad made me suck his dick. that wasn't good for me long term.

Ummm....No. And this is not what equates to be an adult. My parents made mistakes, they are human. I make mistakes with my kids and I hope they will grow up to understand I did the best I could at the time. But, no, I don't dwell on the mistakes my parents made, nor do I feel superior to them.

Unless your parents were really, really, *really* terrible, I think the mature/adult thing is to forgive your parents and empathize with their choices (even if they were not great in retrospect).

I had very far from an ideal childhood (one parent was ill, other parent had mental health issues), but as a grownup, I now see my parents really did try. Blaming doesn't accomplish anything when you're an adult, and when you let go of the resentment, that's when you really become an adult. All of us are going to make lots of mistakes, too - the best any of us can do is try.

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. I feel like I've had kind of the opposite realization. I'm an adult, because I have greater forgiveness for my parents and realize more and more that although they made lots of mistakes, that they were still trying. I have more empathy for their errors.

00:14 here. I agree with this actually.

I've got mixed experiences. I remember growing up getting sick and throwing up in the middle of the night, and my mom reacting like I'd done something wrong. I'm sure it was just her tone, and that wasn't the actual case, but none the less, that's how it made me feel.

My mom also made comments here and there about my weight. Looking back I was far from fat, 5'9" 155lbs, but she always said "you'd look so great if you lost a few pounds". I have a DD and those words will NEVER come out of my mouth.

So pretty much it showed me how insensitive and selfish she could be. I was a pretty easy child, wasn't in trouble, didn't drink/smoke/etc, graduated with a 3.65 GPA, played sports, etc. I did have a questionable boyfriend for a few years, but learned my lesson (DH is awesome).

My parents also never taught me about money, pretty much just to save everything for much later, which meant the minute I went to college I burned through most of my savings. I was also raised Catholic, and we decided not to baptize DD as we're more Agnostic. She (my mother) took this as a personal attack and after telling me I was going to be a horrible mother and my child would go to hell, apologized and said she was going through menopause.

Sorry, I've steered away from the topic at hand

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. I feel like I've had kind of the opposite realization. I'm an adult, because I have greater forgiveness for my parents and realize more and more that although they made lots of mistakes, that they were still trying. I have more empathy for their errors.

+1

I feel kind of the same as PP but I also realize how their parenting is and learn from that so I don't do the same to my kids. I grew up with a lot of threatening, controlling and commanding. There were no explanation or proper consequences. Discipline was just spanking. But at the same time, I don't blame her anything. She was young when she had me. She has no supporting parents or group or information like we have nowadays. She was a working single mom. I don't turn out the great person and is still having issue that DH says often "it is common sense, were you taught that way?" which makes me feel stupid, insulting sometimes but I understand now what my mom did was just what she knew to do. I'm sure that she would be a great parents if she knew how.

Interesting. I feel like I've had kind of the opposite realization. I'm an adult, because I have greater forgiveness for my parents and realize more and more that although they made lots of mistakes, that they were still trying. I have more empathy for their errors.

Anonymous wrote:Having my own children was a watershed time for me, as I really understood for the first time how misguided some of my parents' actions were. My kids aren't perfect, but I'm pleased to say they've benefitted from the insight I gained about how to be a better parent than my folks were. The price paid is realizing just how effed up my mom and dad were in certain ways. That's been a challenge to come to terms with. Still working on it at age 53.

+1 at 48.

Having my own children was a watershed time for me, as I really understood for the first time how misguided some of my parents' actions were. My kids aren't perfect, but I'm pleased to say they've benefitted from the insight I gained about how to be a better parent than my folks were. The price paid is realizing just how effed up my mom and dad were in certain ways. That's been a challenge to come to terms with. Still working on it at age 53.

Anonymous wrote:Mine protected me so much I never learned to take risks or be okay with mistakes. It has taken me a long time to really understand that mistakes and failure are a normal part of learning and growing.

NP here. I had the same situation. My parents had this "everything bad can be prevented" mentality and were always trying to protect me and ensure I made, what were to them, the right choices rather than allow me to make a small mistake here and there and learn from it. Usually when I did make a mistake it ended up being turned into a weapon--"Look what you did! Now we have to clean it up! You're your own worst enemy!" sort of crap.

My mother in particular also became friends with the parents of my childhood friends. In the long run it backfired because they ended up fighting, and guess who also lost friends as a result...

I didn't have parents and had a hard time having kids who had so little street smarts, and were so dependent on me.

But when they started running into situations I'd run into as a kid and I watched them handle them by going in the opposite direction I went in as a kid (my motto was hit first, ask questions later), that's when I felt like an adult. Whoa, I'm REALLY influencing little people and shaping the way they think. It blew my mind. Hell, sometimes it still does.

Mine protected me so much I never learned to take risks or be okay with mistakes. It has taken me a long time to really understand that mistakes and failure are a normal part of learning and growing.

OP again, I kind of think that journaling might be the answer to this process, but I don't even want to remember this crap, let alone write it down...

all of a sudden I'm going through memories that pop into my head of my childhood, and I say honestly to myself, what my parents did is not the right thing to do. Why the hell did they do that?

Anyone else done the same? I had an overall healthy childhood, but parents are not perfect. They tried their darndest to hide it though.

For example, they never helped me learn how to make friends. They never really explained or showed what romantic love is.

I was a confused teenager.