No more overnight visits if they are going to bad mouth you in front of your kids.

You are me, except that it's my parents, not my in-laws.

The reason your ILs are stepping up the blame is probably because your kids' energy is ramping up since they last saw you, and therefore they think they have more stuff to gripe about.
Which means that in essence they were always the bitchy kind, they were just waiting for some ammo.

Honestly, limiting contact is the best answer, and also easy to apply since you don't see them often.
If they criticize you behind your back, ignore. DH should present a united front with you by repeating to them exactly what you two decided you would say when confronted with stuff like that. No explaining is necessary, it merely puts you on the defensive.

And if they say something directly to your face, look them straight in the eye and say clearly that you are dealing with it in your way. If this leads them to retort that your way is wrong, raise your eyebrows and remark calmly how rude they are.

Calling them out in an unruffled manner is the best option. It destabilizes them because you are exposing their rudeness yet it also projects your strength in that you do not show that you are perturbed by their attacks.

DH does this perfectly with my oh-so-annoying mother.

One last thing: consider their criticisms coolly in the privacy of your own home. Do they have a point? Could you be doing something differently? They don't have to know you're thinking about that

OP,

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Unfortunately, despite all of your best efforts, they have chosen to criticize you for your children's behavior which you may or may not be able to control. You just need to disengage from them. Nothing you do (and it sounds like you went out of your way a lot more than I ever would) will be good enough for them.

If they want to maintain a relationship w/ the grandkids they should learn to shut the hell up. I realized this myself when I first laid eyes on my niece. Although I don't necessarily agree w/ the say my brother and SIL raised my niece, I never ever said anything negative to them or my niece. If anything, I went out of my way to be extra nice to my SIL, just so I could see my niece more often.

In the future, just let your husband deal with keeping the grandparents connected. They are his parents.

OP, I mean this in all seriousness: who gives a shit what they think?! They can have their judgy thoughts all they want. The part I would raise afterwards, once you are back home, is the fact that they say negative things about you to their kids. Keep notes of dates and exact quotes if what your kids report, because your in-laws may deny doing it. But that is very bad for your kids, and you and your husband should tell your in-laws to absolutely knock it off. Tell them if they have something negative to say, they need to say it to you and not in front of your kids.

OP here. Critical of parenting = my FIL complaining my children are too energetic, that they eat better when they are with them (inlaws kept them for 2 nights), that I cannot discipline them well, that they have bad manners, Etc

Critical of me = I don't talk to them and engage them enough that I am boring that I don't look them in the eye all the time, etc.

My children are very energetic, this is why I stopped after 2, didn't want to risk a 3rd like this, ILs constantly say the kids are exactly like DH was as a kid, just need to run run run run, talk talk talk talk. Energetic isn't necessarily naughty, they aren't being terrible. They just need to be outside a lot. And they are disciplined, systematically, routinely, etc. I am not a pushover with kids. I don't let my kids call the shots. They are expected to behave, face consequences, I follow through. But they do need a ton of physical activity because I can't understand why they have so much energy all the time.

I am very introverted, quiet, don't need to talk a lot. Ironically my parents can't understand where my kids came from because according to them I was super calm all the time.

I now think they may have always thought this way. I cried to DH about it. I guess I am too sensitive. He said he does defend me (so I said why are you defending me. What did I do?) but he also said he doesn't see his parents often and doestnt want a war breaking out over this.

It is a good thing they are thousands miles away. Ignore them and let your DH deal with them.

Anonymous wrote:Define "critical of your parenting." We have a family member who feels this way because she's appalled any of us would think she should discipline her little brats (and that's what they are).

Define "bad mouthing." Is it just the truth and you don't like hearing it?

Are you seriously trying to justify speaking badly about a parent in front of their children?

If you feel confronting them with make things worse, have your kids report what they've heard to your husband and let him do it. If he won't, then you absolutely will have to. Regardless of their reasoning, they have really approached it wrong by using the kids as pawns.

Define "critical of your parenting." We have a family member who feels this way because she's appalled any of us would think she should discipline her little brats (and that's what they are).

Define "bad mouthing." Is it just the truth and you don't like hearing it?

Anonymous wrote:Ditto speaking to your husband. These are his parents, and he either should be standing up to them for you, or, if you did something over the line to provoke this, should be talking to you about it.

Agreed. His parents can go to hell.

This is weird and too much >> "email them pictures of the kids a few times a week"

Anonymous wrote:Odds are this has been going on all along and your kids are just old enough now to eavesdrop and report back. Definitely get your husband involved - both to figure out if something happened or if this was always the case. And, more importantly, to tell them that if they can't keep their big mouths shut in front of the kids they won't be seeing the kids. Totally appalling.

Keep in mind that even if they've always felt this way, it's a reflection on them, not you.

+1000

Odds are this has been going on all along and your kids are just old enough now to eavesdrop and report back. Definitely get your husband involved - both to figure out if something happened or if this was always the case. And, more importantly, to tell them that if they can't keep their big mouths shut in front of the kids they won't be seeing the kids. Totally appalling.

Keep in mind that even if they've always felt this way, it's a reflection on them, not you.

Ditto speaking to your husband. These are his parents, and he either should be standing up to them for you, or, if you did something over the line to provoke this, should be talking to you about it.

Have you spoken to your husband about it?

I've been married for 15 years, our kids are 6 and 8. I thought I had a generally pleasant and cordial relationship with my inlaws. They live thousands of miles away, but I do go out of my way to make sure they feel involved, FaceTime the kids with them, email them pictures of the kids a few times a week, etc. whenever we visit them, I always try to be a good guest, clean up after myself always volunteer to help out, etc. I don't dump my kids on them and dash.

Anyway, we are visiting them and they have suddenly become hyper critical of MY parenting (not necessarily my husbands) and how I behave. And they are bad mouthing me when I am not around in front of my kids, who then report that back to me. I am at a complete loss what to do. My feelings are extremely hurt, and now I wonder if they have always felt this way. I thought I was a good DIL, and now I just want to go home and never come back. Anyone else have a similar experience. I don't know what to do, if I do need to do anything at all.