Anonymous
Post 07/31/2014 08:33     Subject: Who is wrong here?
You are trying to help but you are making things worse. His soul mate of 50 years is gone and when you throw things away, you are tossing out his memories of her. I understand this because I went through the same thing with a relative.

He needs grief counseling, if you can get him to go. Also, call his friends and ask them to visit. Talk to him about his favorite memories of your mother and tell him yours.

Also, not pertinent to your post but "hubs"? Please, you are a grown woman. Just say husband.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2014 07:44     Subject: Who is wrong here?
This is tough, but as someone who has lost a loved one, I can relate. Maybe they are upset that you threw out things your mom had touched? The polite thing to do would be to ask first. It sounds a bit like you have gone in and are trying to "fix" things. Are you yhe oldest? A fixer?
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2014 07:42     Subject: Who is wrong here?
OP, I am glad you stopped the filth and hoarding in it's tracks.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2014 07:40     Subject: Who is wrong here?
Anonymous wrote:Your father is using his anxiety and grief to control all of you. How long do you intend to drive 300 miles every week because he can't stand to be alone? The rest of your life? How long do you intend to live in a mausoleum/hoard/dump because the notion of throwing away a sponge is upsetting?

Can you see that this is crazy? Time for a family meeting in which you draw boundaries. It's not cruel to say that Dad needs to start learning to live his life as an adult. If he is so prostrate with grief he can't be alone, he either (1) moves (2) checks into a hospital (3) sees a therapist.


Greif has turned to anger and making an outlet to you. A round of counseling followed by a gradual pull out by you. 300 miles each weekend?
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2014 07:38     Subject: Who is wrong here?
What you are doing, upending your lives to never leave your dad alone, is unsustainable, and it is showing. That is what is happening here. Time to face up to seeing if Dad can handle the house alone (with you and sis just coming for one night a week each) and go from there helping him plan for the future.

No apologies for cleaning. To your dad, he may take it as a sign you think he can't live alone. Did your mom have a long illness? Some of this may be a backlog. Many widowers get a cleaning lady, and that might be worth suggesting.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2014 07:35     Subject: Who is wrong here?
Everyone needs a grief counselor. Pointing fingers is not productive
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2014 06:12     Subject: Re:Who is wrong here?
OP,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. My mom passed away a while back and our family has never been the same. It sounds like your family is being unreasonable here. Grief or no grief, it isn't safe for your father to live in like this nor for your husband and kids to be subject to this. You're a good daughter for trying to help out your dad like this but eventually he'll have to confront this grief. Your traveling to his place every weekend is unsustainable. If he can't stand being alone on the weekend, you should have him come to you. Both you and your sister should have him see a therapist and perhaps get a prescription for anti-depressants. Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2014 05:53     Subject: Who is wrong here?
I'm so sorry OP. How long ago did she die?

I would recommend sitting down and having a family meeting to make a longer range plan. He doesn't have to sell the house or anything. But you can't this visit every weekend, and I'm sure your sister can't continue living with him 4 days a week. At the very least, make a plan for how long this can continue. Perhaps scale back to every other weekend, and then once a month. Set up a housekeeper to come just as you're beginning to visit less.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2014 05:45     Subject: Who is wrong here?
Anonymous wrote:You are wrong because you're changing what they need to preserve right now in their time of mourning, which is things your mother picked out and used.


+1
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2014 05:40     Subject: Who is wrong here?
Anonymous wrote:Your father is using his anxiety and grief to control all of you. How long do you intend to drive 300 miles every week because he can't stand to be alone? The rest of your life? How long do you intend to live in a mausoleum/hoard/dump because the notion of throwing away a sponge is upsetting?

Can you see that this is crazy? Time for a family meeting in which you draw boundaries. It's not cruel to say that Dad needs to start learning to live his life as an adult. If he is so prostrate with grief he can't be alone, he either (1) moves (2) checks into a hospital (3) sees a therapist.


(4) joins a support group or senior citizen group
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2014 05:29     Subject: Who is wrong here?
Your father is using his anxiety and grief to control all of you. How long do you intend to drive 300 miles every week because he can't stand to be alone? The rest of your life? How long do you intend to live in a mausoleum/hoard/dump because the notion of throwing away a sponge is upsetting?

Can you see that this is crazy? Time for a family meeting in which you draw boundaries. It's not cruel to say that Dad needs to start learning to live his life as an adult. If he is so prostrate with grief he can't be alone, he either (1) moves (2) checks into a hospital (3) sees a therapist.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2014 04:22     Subject: Who is wrong here?
Anonymous wrote:My mother died recently & my father, who was married to her for 50 yrs, is beyond grieving. So my sis & I are helping however we can. My father has said he is scared to be alone in such a big house now. He asked us to visit frequently. My sister lives with him four days out of the week but has made it clear she will not be available Fridays throughSunday. My hubs & I, along with our children drive 300 miles each wkend to make sure he will not be left alone. He appreciates it very much, but lately he & my sis have started complaining about me. My family's home is very dirty. My mother was not much of a cleaner& my father never had time. I found insects in old cereal boxes and a mice behind the frig last wkend. Hubs &I have started cleaning the house. We also replaced dirty dish rags with a stack of new towels, replaced months old dish sponges with new ones. When their dishwasher broke, we replaced that too. Tonight my sister told me that she & my father are upset that I've thrown their stuff out without permission. I told her that the only things I replaced wasdish towels, sponges, and pot holders. Petty stuff but necessary since they werefilthy. The dw was our gift. She made such a big stink of it though, that I was offended. Here I am, compromising my entire family's weekends to help, & I'm being scolded for replacing dish towels & sponges & pot holders? She said it was rude to throw ANYTHING out. I said the key point shes missing is that I replaced them with something better. She insisted it was rude. Who is wrong here??? They use sponges on dishes where raw meat was, but expect me to use it next on my baby's bottle? No thanks. So I bought many more sponges.


They are tripping. Extreme hoarding is often triggered by grief so watch out. Your family can't sacrifice valuable. Weekend time to be surrounded by a hoard.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2014 03:24     Subject: Who is wrong here?
You are wrong because you're changing what they need to preserve right now in their time of mourning, which is things your mother picked out and used.

In a non mourning period you would be almost right but still wrong because the right thing to do would be to say "hey dad these sponges need to be replaced, want to come with me to pick up new ones or shall I just bring over whatever's on sale?" It's not your house. Your intentions are good, it's just the execution is bad.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2014 03:20     Subject: Who is wrong here?
It doesn't matter who is right/wrong. Just apologize and talk to them before you throw things out next time. Everyone is still grieving and things that may not have been a big deal before your mother died may now touch a nerve. Maybe they have memories of your mother attached to these things that you deem "petty."
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2014 03:13     Subject: Who is wrong here?
My mother died recently & my father, who was married to her for 50 yrs, is beyond grieving. So my sis & I are helping however we can. My father has said he is scared to be alone in such a big house now. He asked us to visit frequently. My sister lives with him four days out of the week but has made it clear she will not be available Fridays throughSunday. My hubs & I, along with our children drive 300 miles each wkend to make sure he will not be left alone. He appreciates it very much, but lately he & my sis have started complaining about me. My family's home is very dirty. My mother was not much of a cleaner& my father never had time. I found insects in old cereal boxes and a mice behind the frig last wkend. Hubs &I have started cleaning the house. We also replaced dirty dish rags with a stack of new towels, replaced months old dish sponges with new ones. When their dishwasher broke, we replaced that too. Tonight my sister told me that she & my father are upset that I've thrown their stuff out without permission. I told her that the only things I replaced wasdish towels, sponges, and pot holders. Petty stuff but necessary since they werefilthy. The dw was our gift. She made such a big stink of it though, that I was offended. Here I am, compromising my entire family's weekends to help, & I'm being scolded for replacing dish towels & sponges & pot holders? She said it was rude to throw ANYTHING out. I said the key point shes missing is that I replaced them with something better. She insisted it was rude. Who is wrong here??? They use sponges on dishes where raw meat was, but expect me to use it next on my baby's bottle? No thanks. So I bought many more sponges.