Anonymous wrote:Pretty much giving my DH more sex was working on our relationship. When he gets laid, it does not matter what happens. The whole house is happier. I'm on a 4day straight run. He is soooo cranky and sullen when his balls are full.

Us guys are pretty damn simple. A nice meal and some ass and we don't give a shit about what is going on. Then we are more than willing to take the kids away for the day so you can do whatever it is you want to do.

I believe women are a little more complicated and I respect that. I WISH it were as easy as a nice meal and sex to get them to ignore everything else....but it usually doesn't. So I just do my best to do things that make her feel like I feel after a good meal/sex.

It's doomed.

Pretty much giving my DH more sex was working on our relationship. When he gets laid, it does not matter what happens. The whole house is happier. I'm on a 4day straight run. He is soooo cranky and sullen when his balls are full.

I also think it means working on your own issues. For example, my husband has a bad temper and he knows it. But he doesn't do a lot to try to change it. Me, I can be controlling and critical. I try to let most things go and hold my tongue when I feel like criticizing and instead say something nice.

Make time for each other. Date nights (even dessert & renting a movie at home after the kids are in bed, if child care is a problem, as long as you are setting time aside for each other).

Show appreciation. Make a point to notice the things your spouse does for you, and say thank you.

Focus on communication. Share your feelings about things, practice active listening.

Show interest in each other. Ask your spouse at least three questions every day - can be about their activities that day, what they think of the kid's new teacher, how their parents are doing. Anything to show that you are interested in spouse's life and feelings, to learn what is going on in their day-to-day life (and how they feel about it), and spark additional conversation.

Sometimes things that are uncomfortable or initially feel unnatural to one or both parties are necessary in order to help the couple grow and relate (like finding a common interest, communicating honestly, etc). That's "work" for many people.

(1) Go out of your way sometimes to do nice things for your spouse. Make a little effort for no other reason than to do something they would like. Take them into consideration when you make decisions.
(2) Don't treat your spouse worse than you'd treat a stranger. Good manners matter--say please and thank you and I'm sorry. No name-calling. Treat the other person with respect. Don't take out your crappy moods on them. Don't take them for granted.
(3) Make an effort to notice (and comment on) the good things they do/are, not just the things you want them to do or the mistakes they made. It's so easy to just accept the good and only call out the bad. Try to say ten nice things to them for every critical comment you make.

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Maybe I am phrasing it wrong, but I mean the kind of advice you get when -- for example -- just getting married, when the relationship is definitely good, and your parents' friends and friends' parents (including those who appear to be in really wonderful marriages) are advising you to keep in mind that good relationships take work...

What they are saying is you need to focus on your relationship from time to time. Don't just get married and expect things to just fall in to place and your love for each other to remain as it has leading up to the wedding. Time takes it toll so you must be proactive.

- Date nights.
- Focus on your sex life. If it starts to simmer down...work at fincing a solution to get it back on track.
- Be an individual. This means have hobbies that keep you two apart on a regular basis. You need alone time and so does she. It gives you time to 'miss' the person and keeps it fresh in your mind on why you want to be with them.

Just some examples.

In marriage counseling we put together a plan that would be considered "working" on the relationship.

1. Meet for lunch once a month (we work close to each other)
2. Once a month take off work and spend day together (we lacked a babysitter on weekends at the time)
3. Be awake when my h got home from work 1 time a week (he got home at 11pm)
4. Vacation 2x year.. No kids

There are more but I have to go.

John Gottman has some great research-driven and proven ways you can successfully work on a marriage...check out some of his books!

1. Always be respectful and treat your spouse with respect. DH and I have our disagreements. We do not curse at each other or call each other names.
2. Put the other person first. At least think about their feelings.
3. Thank each other. Daily if possible. My DH always thanks me for making dinner. It makes me feel appreciated, even though its my "job".

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Maybe I am phrasing it wrong, but I mean the kind of advice you get when -- for example -- just getting married, when the relationship is definitely good, and your parents' friends and friends' parents (including those who appear to be in really wonderful marriages) are advising you to keep in mind that good relationships take work...

It means don't let things get stale. Continue date night, continue doing sweet things for each other, don't take each other for granted just because you are now married and maybe parents, etc
At least that is what DH and I do and why we are so happy.

OP here,

Maybe I am phrasing it wrong, but I mean the kind of advice you get when -- for example -- just getting married, when the relationship is definitely good, and your parents' friends and friends' parents (including those who appear to be in really wonderful marriages) are advising you to keep in mind that good relationships take work...

"Working on it" usually means "we're splitting up but haven't quite admitted it to ourselves yet."

Relationship advice often refers to the need to "work" on relationships. People say things like, "love isn't enough, you need to work on relationships", etc.

What are some specific examples (actions) of such "work"? I'm interested in hearing both about the things you successfully do, and the things you think you should do, but can't always (or at all). And also, of course, the things your significant other does, or that you wish (s)he did.

Thanks in advance!