I am not a good in-law, but I am not a bad one either. During the early years of my marriage, my MIL tried very hard to establish her dominance. She manipulated and lied to ensure that my family of origin always got the short shrift in terms of time spent with us. After about 6 years, I called her out hard over Thanksgiving dinner and just let her have it with both barrels. I make the plans so I simply don't plan to see her. My husband is welcome to call her and arrange to meet her for breakfast or something. He doesn't so why should his relationship with her be more important to me than it is to him. Likewise, why should my daughter's relationship with his mother be more of a priority to me than my husband. If he wants them to have a closer relationship, it's up to him to facilitate it, not me. I ensure that she is included at the obligatory times -- Thanksgiving, Christmas, her birthday, and husband and daughter's birthdays. Other than that, it is my husband's business whether or not he sees her.

No. They are much "closer" than my family and I'm not comfortable with certain things. I don't like talking on the phone for example, and I don't say "I love you" to my own parents at the end of each conversation so I am definitely not saying it to someone else's. They generally don't push me to or take offense that I don't do these things though. I try to be good in some ways but probably not enough.

Not really. I have pretty much given up on these people.

I give myself a B-. I'm ok but not great. My in laws are generally nice people but they definitely get on my nerves. My mother in law is very critical and old fashioned, and she constantly makes passive aggressive comments. She seems to think I'm being selfish for breastfeeding and for not giving our son many bottles. We are just very different. I cold try harder to include her in our life but I don't really want her around since she can be so critical.

I do try. I try to go along to get along. I try to be kind. Sometimes, people take it the wrong way if you are kind, and they try to take advantage. My big issue with my IL's is that they want their way, and they are not very supportive. They say they are, yet when push comes to shove, they are not the ones you want on your side. They are not the loyal type with anyone but themselves.

Do they try? I think so, superficially. It used to make me sad, so now I just go along to get along, as I mentioned. Their traits that I object to, like making certain things "about me (them)" - I try not to do.

My IL's can be very insular, and are not ones to talk about what they did not like about their family; they seem to sugarcoat a lot, even if they don't mean to. So, I try to come at things from different perspectives. For example, laugh at my own families' imperfections.

Yet, if I bring certain things up, they are not the type to want to hear more, so connecting with them is difficult. I get it, we don't have much in common, just try sometimes. I hope I do, at least.

So to answer your question OP, I think I am a good IL, but my differences are not a personal affront. So I try to remember that, too.

To my DH's family, sometimes I am a good in-law. It's really important to me that my DD have a good relationship with her grandparents so I do what I can to facilitate that. However, my ILs have a lot of ideological differences and while I can handle them in small doses, I can also quickly get overwhelmed and frustrated by them.

With my brothers' wives, yes. I adore one of them - she's like a real sister to me. I get along well with the other one and speak to her a couple of times a month. However, DH is a really bad in-law to my family - he makes no secret of the fact that he doesn't like my parents and one of my brothers. It's very frustrating.

Anonymous wrote:I try to be, but I know I'm not. I don't do anything specifically crazy, but I feel it is my husband's responsibility to communicate with his relatives. I'm sure they think I'm reserved, but I deal with my family and that keeps me pretty busy.

This is me. I think it's his job to communicate with his family, and he does a crappy job, but I have my own family to deal with.

I think so, yes. Family and family relationships are really important to me. And while my ILs aren't my parents, I definitely consider my husband's family a part of my family, so I make an effort to build those relationships. And I think my ILs see and appreciate that.

I'm sure I do things that my ILs don't understand and that drive them crazy - I do that to my family too. But we're family and they know I love them, so they forgive me.

Anonymous wrote:I try to be, but I know I'm not. I don't do anything specifically crazy, but I feel it is my husband's responsibility to communicate with his relatives. I'm sure they think I'm reserved, but I deal with my family and that keeps me pretty busy.

Your honesty is actually refreshing. So many people rant about their ILs, but it always leaves me questioning what they themselves do to help build a relationship as extended family. I wish I could say I'm surprised about so few responses to this question. But honestly, it's not surprising at all.

I am in some ways, but not others. I encourage my DH to invite his parents and sister and niece to visit us, more than he would normally invite them (which is almost never). But, gah, I can barely stand them while they are here. His mother is the most nervous person in the world, and is anxious about everything, so she literally stands the whole time and hovers over all of us - mostly the baby now - saying "Careful!!!!" three hundred times an hour. Plus she chain smokes so she reeks. Any conversation is really grating, because basically anything we say she responds with, "OHMYGOD! That sounds awful!" My FIL is less grating, but he's completely sedentary so he just sits in a chair, which is okay, and he really loves our LO, so that's nice, but most of his comments to my DH are disparaging or mildly verbally abusive so that's not really something I want around our child much. So, once they are here, I can't wait for them to be gone after an hour or so.

I certainly hope that I will have a better relationship with my children's spouses, if that ever happens. But I hope I am better company!

I became a much better IL when I stopped trying to be a "good" IL and followed DH's lead with regard to his family.

I try to be. ILs and I have different cultural backgrounds so our expectations around the frequency of communication are different but I push myself to talk to them more often than I otherwise would. My brother just got married and I really like my new SIL. I hope she thinks I'm a good IL.

Honestly, I think I'm a pretty great DIL. (and i just posted on the other thread about how much I love my MIL and SIL.) I call my MIL about twice a week just to check in (they live in Georgia). I send emails and texts all the time, and I take tons of photos with my good camera and am constantly sending them photo albums of what we did over the weekend, house projects, etc. They always are glad for those and say it helps them feel included even though they are far away. I always encourage us to make trips to visit, even if DH is reluctant. I tell her I love her and I appreciate her. She is a jeweler and when I go overseas for work I always try to bring her unique beads. I check in on MIL's father, who is widowed and not in great health. I put a lot of effort in to the relationship and I think it pays. She is much younger than my parents, so when mine are gone i know I will really need her.

My own family has a tough relationship with my brother's wife, so I have seen a less-than-great MIL-DIL relationship between her and my mom and it really sucks. So i have tried very very hard to have a different dynamic.

I think my MIL would agree, but she would want to know 1. when are we moving to Georgia and 2. where are her grandkids. But she never actually says these things, because she is awesome.

I try to be, but I know I'm not. I don't do anything specifically crazy, but I feel it is my husband's responsibility to communicate with his relatives. I'm sure they think I'm reserved, but I deal with my family and that keeps me pretty busy.

There seems to be a lot of emphasis on how others behave or treat me/you/us, what they do or don't do. What about ourselves? Are YOU a good in-law? How so?