Anonymous
07/25/2014 21:44
Subject: Mean Sister wants to go on Vacation with Us to Be Near our Kids
I would tell her no and tell her flat out why. She's been toxic to you in the past and I would make sure she understands that and changes her ways before inviting her anywhere, ever.
Anonymous
07/25/2014 21:17
Subject: Mean Sister wants to go on Vacation with Us to Be Near our Kids
Make sure you don't give any specifics about actual dates and hotels. Best that she not show up!
Anonymous
07/25/2014 21:04
Subject: Re:Mean Sister wants to go on Vacation with Us to Be Near our Kids
Anonymous wrote:
I would not let her come on your vacation. She can visit with your children another time.
No way would I be trapped with her alone. You need other people around to run interference with a scheming sister like that.
Yes, OP. You didn't offer anything, so she can hint all she wants.
Anonymous
07/25/2014 20:20
Subject: Mean Sister wants to go on Vacation with Us to Be Near our Kids
"Thanks sis, but we already have plans and hotel rooms booked." The end. It sounds like you find it difficult maintaining boundaries with her. This is a perfect time to practice.
Anonymous
07/25/2014 19:25
Subject: Mean Sister wants to go on Vacation with Us to Be Near our Kids
I'd just be blunt. "No, you can't come. This vacation is for me as well as the kids and you are mean, so that's not relaxing. Maybe if you were less mean, less critical and less of a gossip, I'd want to spend more time around you."
Anonymous
07/25/2014 19:10
Subject: Re:Mean Sister wants to go on Vacation with Us to Be Near our Kids
I would not let her come on your vacation. She can visit with your children another time.
No way would I be trapped with her alone. You need other people around to run interference with a scheming sister like that.
Anonymous
07/25/2014 18:34
Subject: Mean Sister wants to go on Vacation with Us to Be Near our Kids
Anonymous wrote:You need to take a cue from your sister and be really direct. If she can dish it out, then she should be able to take it, and if she cannot then you have much bigger problems and should definitely be avoiding her.
When she brings up a subject you don't wish to discuss, tell her so then and there. "That's awfully personal, why do you ask?" Or even just, "I'd rather not discuss that, thanks."
If she says something that hurts your feelings, tell her so right then. "The comment about my new haircut really hurt my feelings. I think you owe me an apology."
There are a few different ways she might respond to all of this.
1) she genuinely does not mean to be hurtful, and responds to you calling her on her crap by apologizing and learning from her mistakes.
2) she knows that she is hurting you, but passive aggressively get some joy out of taking you down a peg for whatever reason. If that is the case, she will refuse to take ownership of anything she has done and turned all around on you ("you are so oversensitive").
3) she will be uncomfortable that you keep pointing out that the things she is saying are rude or hurtful, but not mature enough to actually try to fix her behavior. If that is the case, she will back off of you on her.
OP here. Thanks so much for your advice, as well as other PP. The bolded part above is what my sister usually says, or some version of it. If I call her out on something hurtful she says, she blows me off and says I am too sensitive (or that's ridiculous or that I'm crazy!)
Anonymous
07/25/2014 18:18
Subject: Mean Sister wants to go on Vacation with Us to Be Near our Kids
You need to take a cue from your sister and be really direct. If she can dish it out, then she should be able to take it, and if she cannot then you have much bigger problems and should definitely be avoiding her.
When she brings up a subject you don't wish to discuss, tell her so then and there. "That's awfully personal, why do you ask?" Or even just, "I'd rather not discuss that, thanks."
If she says something that hurts your feelings, tell her so right then. "The comment about my new haircut really hurt my feelings. I think you owe me an apology."
There are a few different ways she might respond to all of this.
1) she genuinely does not mean to be hurtful, and responds to you calling her on her crap by apologizing and learning from her mistakes.
2) she knows that she is hurting you, but passive aggressively get some joy out of taking you down a peg for whatever reason. If that is the case, she will refuse to take ownership of anything she has done and turned all around on you ("you are so oversensitive").
3) she will be uncomfortable that you keep pointing out that the things she is saying are rude or hurtful, but not mature enough to actually try to fix her behavior. If that is the case, she will back off of you on her.
The reason you cannot enjoy your sisters company is either that you have major boundary issues or that she is a total bitch, but my guess is that it is somewhere in between. She is used to running roughshod over you, and you are used to allowing it. Stop allowing it and see what happens.
When she brings up a subject you don't wish to discuss, tell her so then and there. "That's awfully personal, why do you ask?" Or even just, "I'd rather not discuss that, thanks."
If she says something that hurts your feelings, tell her so right then. "The comment about my new haircut really hurt my feelings. I think you owe me an apology."
There are a few different ways she might respond to all of this.
1) she genuinely does not mean to be hurtful, and responds to you calling her on her crap by apologizing and learning from her mistakes.
2) she knows that she is hurting you, but passive aggressively get some joy out of taking you down a peg for whatever reason. If that is the case, she will refuse to take ownership of anything she has done and turned all around on you ("you are so oversensitive").
3) she will be uncomfortable that you keep pointing out that the things she is saying are rude or hurtful, but not mature enough to actually try to fix her behavior. If that is the case, she will back off of you on her.
The reason you cannot enjoy your sisters company is either that you have major boundary issues or that she is a total bitch, but my guess is that it is somewhere in between. She is used to running roughshod over you, and you are used to allowing it. Stop allowing it and see what happens.
Anonymous
07/25/2014 18:17
Subject: Mean Sister wants to go on Vacation with Us to Be Near our Kids
You could just say no, and let it blow over in the next months (or years!).
However, if you think you can survive this, do it. You said she is going through a tough time and that she is good to your kids. If she doesn't behave, you can always say no the next time.
Don't listen to her gossip, say "hm, hm" a lot. Don't engage when she criticizes your lifestyle directly. Look at her pointedly and change the subject, or flatly "don't go there".
And of course, never, ever share any info you don't want disseminated!
Anonymous
07/25/2014 18:03
Subject: Mean Sister wants to go on Vacation with Us to Be Near our Kids
Long story short, my sister is a gossip and has said some terribly mean things to me to my face (and behind my back). She adores my kids, though, and is going through a tough time. We are just completely different personalities -- she likes to be too direct (ie. your hair looks awful, your house is such a mess, etc.) or goes off on our religion (we converted to a different religion than the one in which she and I were raised), whereas I would never say such things to anyone, let alone my sister. She said some truly horrific things to me when she found out I was pregnant with my last child, and I have kept her at arms' length ever since. She lives in another state, so it is easier to do that. However, she adore my older children and has been very good to them since they were born many years ago.
Anyway, DH is now going out of town and cannot join me and my DCs on our planned beach vacation (we were going to stay in a hotel). Sister has been dropping big hints about wanting to go to the beach, spend more time with my DCs, etc. and wants to look into getting a beach house now that my DH is going away. I was completely caught off guard by her suggestion and just left it at I'll get back to her.
Yikes. I like to keep her at arms' length, but I don't know how to get out of this one. I always get off the phone with her feeling pretty bad about myself, I guess because of the way she talks to me and tries to get information out of me (I suspect to gossip about me to the rest of the family; she gossips about pretty much everyone in the family). Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Anyway, DH is now going out of town and cannot join me and my DCs on our planned beach vacation (we were going to stay in a hotel). Sister has been dropping big hints about wanting to go to the beach, spend more time with my DCs, etc. and wants to look into getting a beach house now that my DH is going away. I was completely caught off guard by her suggestion and just left it at I'll get back to her.
Yikes. I like to keep her at arms' length, but I don't know how to get out of this one. I always get off the phone with her feeling pretty bad about myself, I guess because of the way she talks to me and tries to get information out of me (I suspect to gossip about me to the rest of the family; she gossips about pretty much everyone in the family). Any suggestions would be appreciated.