Anonymous
Post 07/22/2014 10:12     Subject: Re:My
OP, ask your mother what her childhood was like. Maybe that will help you understand her mothering.

I was unmothered as a child and grewup knowing that my mother really didn't love me. My mother had me at 19, was unwed, and wanted to put me up for adoption and wound up bringing me home against her will. It was totally awful growing up feeling unwanted. Today, she's very religious/spiritual, with a very limited memory of the past, and people think she's just lovely. I'm estranged from her, my mental health is a priority.

In your heart if you know your mother loves you, try to uncover what's holding her back from displaying love towards you. I believe you deserve the maternal love you crave. As a middle-aged woman I continue to crave maternal love, sometimes.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2014 09:56     Subject: My
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your mom sounds like mine. Great with every other kid except her own who she never really got to know. Oh well.

Please let it go. My mother died unexpectedly a few yrs ago. I don't really miss her much. Sad but that's the way it is.


+1. Some parents just can't show love. They may love you dearly and die for you if anything but just can't give you a hug or say any sweet thing.



+2. My mother was the same way. Father, too. I guess the anecdote that is closest to yours is that my father is known for being a tennis player. He plays a lot of tennis. Plays (and wins!) in tournaments. He spends all his spare time playing tennis, hitting balls, etc., even now as a senior citizen. He never taught me or my sibling to play tennis. Never so much as hit balls with us. The only time I've held a tennis racket is in gym class. I could take lessons as an adult, but I have some sort of block to doing so. The worst part is everyone expects me to be a great tennis player . . . like my father.

As PPs said, my mother (and father) never really got to know me and never really showed love. It is what it is.


PP again. My father was also a teacher, and everyone gave glowing remarks at his retirement about how much he helped those he taught. Sigh.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2014 09:50     Subject: My
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your mom sounds like mine. Great with every other kid except her own who she never really got to know. Oh well.

Please let it go. My mother died unexpectedly a few yrs ago. I don't really miss her much. Sad but that's the way it is.


+1. Some parents just can't show love. They may love you dearly and die for you if anything but just can't give you a hug or say any sweet thing.



+2. My mother was the same way. Father, too. I guess the anecdote that is closest to yours is that my father is known for being a tennis player. He plays a lot of tennis. Plays (and wins!) in tournaments. He spends all his spare time playing tennis, hitting balls, etc., even now as a senior citizen. He never taught me or my sibling to play tennis. Never so much as hit balls with us. The only time I've held a tennis racket is in gym class. I could take lessons as an adult, but I have some sort of block to doing so. The worst part is everyone expects me to be a great tennis player . . . like my father.

As PPs said, my mother (and father) never really got to know me and never really showed love. It is what it is.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2014 09:40     Subject: My
OP, my father was not involved in our lives after my parents split up when I was 8. I remember going to visit him after I graduated college and he was driving around with a bumper sticker that said I (heart) kids -- then in small print it had an anti-child abuse message. I couldn't believe that shit.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2014 01:30     Subject: My
My father was an elementary school teacher who got awards and accolades for being a caring, effective, special teacher. My brother and I saw very little of that at home. It was like he gave it all at work and had nothing left for us. I also think that all the emotional baggage that comes with parenting wasn't there in the student-teacher relationship, so it was easy for him at work. It sucked and even as a child I could felt the deep irony of him being viewed as great with kids, except that he wasn't with his own.

Sorry, OP.
Anonymous
Post 07/21/2014 20:37     Subject: My
My mother was like yours, OP.

She was a single mom and had little time or interest in me. I always thought she didn't like me, or maybe resented me because having me prevented her from fulfilling her dreams for her life.

Years later, I would meet her friends' kids and they all had stories of how loving my mother was to them and all the kindness she showed them.

The first few times this happened, I was hurt. I won't lie. I was jealous and wondered why she liked other people's children and not me. Over time, though, I started to feel differently and eventually, I was pretty proud of my mother as a person.

I only knew one side of her at a difficult time in her life. She was a complicated person who did bring joy to others and I'm thankful every time I hear about something good she did in her life.

Yes, it took therapy to get over my own issues with my childhood, but I'm glad I did it and found some peace with my past with my mom.
Anonymous
Post 07/21/2014 09:58     Subject: Re:My
Iknowhow you feel, OP. Now that I've got kids of my own, I can't believe my mother didn't do more to protect my siblings and I from my father. I'm grateful to my grandmother for teaching me all that she did and to the parents of my friends who were always so kind and welcoming. After my father died, my mother went back to church (she was raised in it, my siblings and I weren't) and became a regular do-gooder. You can always count on her to lend a hand, go the extra mile and be there for anyone and everyone - except her own kids. She got re-married and became just as devoted to her new husband (and his 6 adult kids) as she had been to my dad. 'Everyone' thinks she's wonderful and can't believe how such a fabulous woman can have such ungrateful kids. Therapy has gotten me to the point where I can now smile and nod politely when people tell me how much my mother means to them but I pretty much always do an internal eye roll and occasionally have a twinge of anger/resentment. If I knew you in real life, we could share an eye roll!
Anonymous
Post 07/21/2014 09:34     Subject: My
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I never had a close relationship with my mom. She just never spent too much time with me when I was little, mainly due to her evening job, and I think she never felt the need to feel close to me. Now that I have children, I find it hard to understand how detached she was.
She is now 74, still in ver good health, and in her hometown last weekend they organised an event dedicated to her, because she is involved in so many community things and helping so many people, and also because in the past, as a music teacher to kids, she was such as innovator and created a method for teaching music, which really takes into account the personality, abilities, sensibility of the child etc. People who used to work with her on this came up and gave wonderful speeches about her work and how much she worked with children and enjoyed it etc.
Wow! So when she was doing this, my brother and I were home by ourselves, fetching our dinner, doing homework etc.
Not only that, but she never taught us any music at all or tried to.

I am. It criticizing her working, but not even trying to get closer to me.



Where was your father? Was he involved with your brother and you? Did your mother work while raising you? As children, were you a bit difficult or unappreciative? If so to any, then these would be the types of reasons your mother may not have been involved with you. There is gratification in helping others who are appreciative.

My husband is very selfish, completely uninvolved with our children, doesn't discipline them, and doesn't hesitate to yell at me in front of them. My children complain when I try to teach them anything and are very unappreciative overall. I am very resentful, mainly because of husband's lack of involvement which I believe negatively affects our children. Who knows, your mother could have felt the same way. BTW - I also do ALL the inside house chores and work full-time. Husband even leaves his dishes in the sink because it is the women's job. As much as I love my children and want them to have the best opportunities; I feel I need to care less and disconnect from them to overcome the depression, hurt, and sadness the situation brings me.

I am sure your mother loves you very dearly, but there may be underlying reasons why she cannot get very close to you.


Your kids aren't responsible for your unhappiness or your DH's shortcomings. You are damaging them.
Anonymous
Post 07/21/2014 09:30     Subject: My
Anonymous wrote:Your mom sounds like mine. Great with every other kid except her own who she never really got to know. Oh well.

Please let it go. My mother died unexpectedly a few yrs ago. I don't really miss her much. Sad but that's the way it is.


+1. Some parents just can't show love. They may love you dearly and die for you if anything but just can't give you a hug or say any sweet thing.

Anonymous
Post 07/21/2014 08:06     Subject: My
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I never had a close relationship with my mom. She just never spent too much time with me when I was little, mainly due to her evening job, and I think she never felt the need to feel close to me. Now that I have children, I find it hard to understand how detached she was.
She is now 74, still in ver good health, and in her hometown last weekend they organised an event dedicated to her, because she is involved in so many community things and helping so many people, and also because in the past, as a music teacher to kids, she was such as innovator and created a method for teaching music, which really takes into account the personality, abilities, sensibility of the child etc. People who used to work with her on this came up and gave wonderful speeches about her work and how much she worked with children and enjoyed it etc.
Wow! So when she was doing this, my brother and I were home by ourselves, fetching our dinner, doing homework etc.
Not only that, but she never taught us any music at all or tried to.

I am. It criticizing her working, but not even trying to get closer to me.



Where was your father? Was he involved with your brother and you? Did your mother work while raising you? As children, were you a bit difficult or unappreciative? If so to any, then these would be the types of reasons your mother may not have been involved with you. There is gratification in helping others who are appreciative.

My husband is very selfish, completely uninvolved with our children, doesn't discipline them, and doesn't hesitate to yell at me in front of them. My children complain when I try to teach them anything and are very unappreciative overall. I am very resentful, mainly because of husband's lack of involvement which I believe negatively affects our children. Who knows, your mother could have felt the same way. BTW - I also do ALL the inside house chores and work full-time. Husband even leaves his dishes in the sink because it is the women's job. As much as I love my children and want them to have the best opportunities; I feel I need to care less and disconnect from them to overcome the depression, hurt, and sadness the situation brings me.

I am sure your mother loves you very dearly, but there may be underlying reasons why she cannot get very close to you.

Please take this with an open heart, but you need therapy to deal with your depression. Your kids are not responsible for your emotional well being. Kids are taught gratitude, grace and kindness, one of the ways they learn it is by having it extended to them. You say your husband has issues, yet you allow your kids to be in that situation. It is very scary for kids to live in a home where the grownups are hostile to one another and/or generally unhappy.
Bottom line, the onus is in you as the grownup, not the kids.
Anonymous
Post 07/21/2014 06:45     Subject: My
She worked two jobs? Maybe she was stressed about keeping a roof over your heads as kids. Not ideal of course. But if that's what she was doing, I'd be grateful as hell she did that.

I'm not trying to minimize your missing what could have been, and wanting a closer connection. Just trying to see why it was like that.

And having said that, you "can" try to get that closer connection now. You are now an adult too. It's never too late until one of you is gone.
Anonymous
Post 07/20/2014 21:19     Subject: My
Anonymous wrote:I never had a close relationship with my mom. She just never spent too much time with me when I was little, mainly due to her evening job, and I think she never felt the need to feel close to me. Now that I have children, I find it hard to understand how detached she was.
She is now 74, still in ver good health, and in her hometown last weekend they organised an event dedicated to her, because she is involved in so many community things and helping so many people, and also because in the past, as a music teacher to kids, she was such as innovator and created a method for teaching music, which really takes into account the personality, abilities, sensibility of the child etc. People who used to work with her on this came up and gave wonderful speeches about her work and how much she worked with children and enjoyed it etc.
Wow! So when she was doing this, my brother and I were home by ourselves, fetching our dinner, doing homework etc.
Not only that, but she never taught us any music at all or tried to.

I am. It criticizing her working, but not even trying to get closer to me.



Where was your father? Was he involved with your brother and you? Did your mother work while raising you? As children, were you a bit difficult or unappreciative? If so to any, then these would be the types of reasons your mother may not have been involved with you. There is gratification in helping others who are appreciative.

My husband is very selfish, completely uninvolved with our children, doesn't discipline them, and doesn't hesitate to yell at me in front of them. My children complain when I try to teach them anything and are very unappreciative overall. I am very resentful, mainly because of husband's lack of involvement which I believe negatively affects our children. Who knows, your mother could have felt the same way. BTW - I also do ALL the inside house chores and work full-time. Husband even leaves his dishes in the sink because it is the women's job. As much as I love my children and want them to have the best opportunities; I feel I need to care less and disconnect from them to overcome the depression, hurt, and sadness the situation brings me.

I am sure your mother loves you very dearly, but there may be underlying reasons why she cannot get very close to you.
Anonymous
Post 07/20/2014 20:55     Subject: My
Your mom sounds like mine. Great with every other kid except her own who she never really got to know. Oh well.

Please let it go. My mother died unexpectedly a few yrs ago. I don't really miss her much. Sad but that's the way it is.
Anonymous
Post 07/20/2014 20:31     Subject: My
My mother had been a home ec teacher back in the day. She would never let me help in the kitchen.
Was harsh, rigid, and inflexible as I grew up. I could never in a million years treat my kids the ways she treated me.
Now she has Alzheimers.
Years of therapy down, years to go.
Anonymous
Post 07/20/2014 20:13     Subject: My
I never had a close relationship with my mom. She just never spent too much time with me when I was little, mainly due to her evening job, and I think she never felt the need to feel close to me. Now that I have children, I find it hard to understand how detached she was.
She is now 74, still in ver good health, and in her hometown last weekend they organised an event dedicated to her, because she is involved in so many community things and helping so many people, and also because in the past, as a music teacher to kids, she was such as innovator and created a method for teaching music, which really takes into account the personality, abilities, sensibility of the child etc. People who used to work with her on this came up and gave wonderful speeches about her work and how much she worked with children and enjoyed it etc.
Wow! So when she was doing this, my brother and I were home by ourselves, fetching our dinner, doing homework etc.
Not only that, but she never taught us any music at all or tried to.

I am. It criticizing her working, but not even trying to get closer to me.