SIL sounds like she really wants to maintain the relationship, so I would give her the benefit of the doubt and hear her out. If that doesn't go well, then yes, take a break from them for a while.

Maybe you should take this year off? It's okay to say we all need a timeout.

I'm curious: are you in a relationship?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

All three of us go to family gatherings. Yes, it's odd that I hang out with my ex and ILs, but it worked for a while

My daughter is 12. The part that is going to suck is not being with my daughter on major holidays. I have no intention of going back on our every other holiday agreement.

You're angry with your SIL, so you're not going to hang out with your DD and ILs? If your ex is going to be there, I can understand why you wouldn't. However, the real problem is the argument you had with the SIL. Address this first and foremost b/f making decisions about other things. Remember the trigger for this whole episode was your ex's rages.

Also, your SIL may have meant that you're in a co-dependent relationship. You aren't responsible for your ex's rages, but there be unhealthy, repeat patterns that you can break. I'd see a therapist.

It's not anger. I'm hurt. I can't believe she thought it was alright to say that.

I'm not in a codependent relationship with my ex.

You're creating drama out of nowhere. This sort of behavior is not "cut off" worthy and the behavior you're talking about isn't cutting anyone off but yourself. Better communication is called for.

It sounds like poor communication, OP. It's important NOT to cut off anyone without making sure you've communicated clearly. You have to put your daughter's needs before your own feelings. Yes, your SIL was completely out of line to blame you for your ex's issues. There is no way for you to be responsible for his actions, no matter what a PP says about being co-dependent (please!). Your job is to defend your child from your ex's behavior, and if your in-laws will not support you in that effort, then you need to consider your options very carefully before losing your head and cutting them off. In my experience, cutting someone off never works. There's always a lot of residual anger that eats away at the person who cut off the other one. Leave the door open, a crack at least. But make certain you are communicating your feelings completely, so your SIL understands what she did that made you feel you want nothing more to do with her. If she doesn't get it, then she doesn't and there's nothing you can do except walk away and let her know you're ready to talk when she understands how much she's hurt you. Good luck, OP. Get some distance and see what you can salvage.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

All three of us go to family gatherings. Yes, it's odd that I hang out with my ex and ILs, but it worked for a while

My daughter is 12. The part that is going to suck is not being with my daughter on major holidays. I have no intention of going back on our every other holiday agreement.

You're angry with your SIL, so you're not going to hang out with your DD and ILs? If your ex is going to be there, I can understand why you wouldn't. However, the real problem is the argument you had with the SIL. Address this first and foremost b/f making decisions about other things. Remember the trigger for this whole episode was your ex's rages.

Also, your SIL may have meant that you're in a co-dependent relationship. You aren't responsible for your ex's rages, but there be unhealthy, repeat patterns that you can break. I'd see a therapist.

OP here. Thanks for the advice. My daughter has been on the receiving end of the blow ups, which is why I went to her for help.

I don't want to hear why she thinks I'm responsible. It's a terrible thing to say to someone. Whatever reasoning she has is sure to be even more upsetting.

Part of me says that since your DD will be in their lives forever - and could feasibly be the next person needing to deal with his rage behavior - I would want to hear out SIL's way of thinking and explain your own. When she said you had to accept responsibility did you ask her why she felt that way and how you could possibly control another person's actions? I would flip it and ask if she is going to feel in time that if your ex rages she thinks your DD could be responsible in that way. Helping her see your perspective might make her change her own.

First of all, I think it's admirable that you've tried to maintain good relationships with your ex ILs. Not everyone is able to or lucky enough to do so.

Give yourself the emotional space you need to recover. I would suggest re-engaging and let bygones be bygones at some point. My ex's new GF as well as family blame me for everything because of what he says. I disagree strongly and move on with the conversation whenever it is brought up.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

All three of us go to family gatherings. Yes, it's odd that I hang out with my ex and ILs, but it worked for a while

My daughter is 12. The part that is going to suck is not being with my daughter on major holidays. I have no intention of going back on our every other holiday agreement.

Keep doing it if it's still working for you, even if it's not working as well as it was. When the scales get tipped, you'll know it.

You have to decide if you can move past this if SIL seems genuinely regretful/apologetic and if she sincerely seems to want to maintain a relationship. If not, move on.

OP here.

All three of us go to family gatherings. Yes, it's odd that I hang out with my ex and ILs, but it worked for a while

My daughter is 12. The part that is going to suck is not being with my daughter on major holidays. I have no intention of going back on our every other holiday agreement.

How old is your daughter? I might be more willing to try to repair to maintain a healthy relationship for the future but it sounds like your daughter is older. If she is, I would consider being kind but distant.

I'm sorry OP. You did the best thing by trying to include them. She showed her true colors and you can cut her off. Your daughter (depending on her age) can continue to go visit them if you think they won't poison her against you. Why doesn't your ex take his daughter to visit his family? I think that's a bit odd.

You don't need to subject yourself to obnoxious, rude people.

Even after our split 10 years ago, we've all continued the kind of happy family routine with the ILs. My ex, daughter and me spend every other holiday with them. We've been pretty close over the years.

I went to my SIL a few months back for help dealing with ex's rage episodes, which has been a problem for a long time. She seemed supportive, but kind of turned on me. The final straw was her telling me that I needed to accept responsibility for my part in his abusive behavior. I haven't spoken to her since she said that. I've ignored her calls and declined invites for the last several months.

She texted me the other day to see if I'm upset with her. I told her how I feel. She's insisting it's a misunderstanding, or that I mistook something. This baffles me. How could she have meant that? She wants to get together to discuss, but I'm feeling kind of done. I don't want to try to fix it. There have been other things over the years. I find it hurtful when they assume I'm lying because they can't remember something.

Try to salvage this or accept that this is why exes don't spend holidays together?