Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 16:09     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Anonymous wrote:You are angry that someone isn't doing what you want them to do without being asked to do it, and you think HE is self-involved?? I know it's hard, but try to wrap your head around the idea that not every grandparent is going to jump up and grab screaming infant or a pooping toddler. That doesn't make him a bad person, just an older guy who isn't interested in changing diapers. Many if not most grandfathers I know are exactly the same. Some become fabulous grandparents when the kids are old enough to engage with on sports or books or other subjects; some just plain are not interested. Either way, that's who he is and there's really no reason he has to behave the way you want him to.


I also think that us parents of young kids get so caught up in the whirlwind of parenting drama that we don't realize none of this stuff is as urgent or problematic for others, especially those who have raised children and have perspective and those who are just out of touch. Be thankful that you have someone who is willing and happy to help when asked. Stop expecting everyone to be a mind reader.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 16:06     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've never met anyone quite like him and he can be hard to describe, so forgive me if this is unclear. He is not an unkind man - he is just the LEAST helpful person I have ever met. For example - DH and I just got back from vacation with them. MIL is incredibly helpful - above and beyond (which is probably related, as she enables him). He, on the other hand, will literally be in the room while DH and me are running around trying to get the kids ready for the pool etc while the baby is screaming and the three year old is like I NEED TO GO POTTY! and will just stare off into space, 3 feet away. I don't think I've ever seen him volunteer to help with anything, ever. MIL will be struggling to hold down 7 dishes cooking at once in the kitchen and he'll be sitting there at the table staring into space again.

If you ask him specifically to do something, he will, but DH is at the end of his rope with having to do that. He's also passive-aggressive - for example, he likes the temperature in the house a certain way, so when I left the window open to air out the room my kids were sleeping in, he went in and closed it while I was in another room. Once we were riding in the car and I rolled my window down and he rolled it up from the driver's seat without saying anything. He is the oldest of 3 children and just sort of is used to having his way - DH said when he was a kid (growing up in FL) he used to dread the sound of the screen door opening, because that meant FIL had decided it wasn't warm enough outside (even if it was 85) for AC that day.

DH is getting more and more frustrated (I suspect because it is getting more pronounced as FIL gets older and we now have 2 kids to deal with, so we're busier) and I worry that their relationship will be affected. He is a kindhearted person, but just SO self-involved and set in his ways. Any thoughts on what's going on (DH swears he is on the spectrum somehow) or how to deal with it? MIL just sort of says "he'll help if you ask. That's how he has always been."

Then ask him -- what is the issue?


Ask who? FIL? He isn't aware that there IS an issue.


I am sorry. What is the issue? He sounds like a typical older male. Things are done a certain way which is his way. Besides the car window thing (did you say anything at the time?) it all seems normal. Plus don't leave windows open when in other people's houses. That is rude.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 16:04     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
OP, you sound high maintenance. It is rude to roll down a car window without checking with the other people in the car. It is rude and wasteful to open a window when the heat or air conditioning is running.

You and your DH only have 2 kids--there should not be mass chaos requiring you, DH, your MIL and your FIL's help just to get out the door. You sound super annoying.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 16:04     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
You are angry that someone isn't doing what you want them to do without being asked to do it, and you think HE is self-involved?? I know it's hard, but try to wrap your head around the idea that not every grandparent is going to jump up and grab screaming infant or a pooping toddler. That doesn't make him a bad person, just an older guy who isn't interested in changing diapers. Many if not most grandfathers I know are exactly the same. Some become fabulous grandparents when the kids are old enough to engage with on sports or books or other subjects; some just plain are not interested. Either way, that's who he is and there's really no reason he has to behave the way you want him to.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 15:58     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Anonymous wrote:He is an old dog that will not learn new tricks. He is very used to getting his own way. He is used to your MIL doing the busywork. Your DH needs to figure out how to accept him as he is, and develop strategies. Give him tasks to do. Maybe there are things you can ask him to "be in charge of," like being the one to get your 3-year-old to the bathroom and shoes on before leaving the house.

I can see how this would be very annoying, but it sounds like FIL just doesn't see what needs to be done (kind of like my DH just doesn't notice his dirty socks on the floor) rather than deliberately opting not to help even though he sees a need.


OP your description plus all of this above sounds like my FIL too. It's annoying as anything but I know he loves DD and is generally a good grandfather so I try my best to overlook it.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 15:56     Subject: Re:What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Passive aggressive doesn't mean what you think it means. Don't count on FIL to know when you want help.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 15:51     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Your FIL won't change. Think carefully about tasks you could ask him to do that he enjoys.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 15:40     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've never met anyone quite like him and he can be hard to describe, so forgive me if this is unclear. He is not an unkind man - he is just the LEAST helpful person I have ever met. For example - DH and I just got back from vacation with them. MIL is incredibly helpful - above and beyond (which is probably related, as she enables him). He, on the other hand, will literally be in the room while DH and me are running around trying to get the kids ready for the pool etc while the baby is screaming and the three year old is like I NEED TO GO POTTY! and will just stare off into space, 3 feet away. I don't think I've ever seen him volunteer to help with anything, ever. MIL will be struggling to hold down 7 dishes cooking at once in the kitchen and he'll be sitting there at the table staring into space again.

If you ask him specifically to do something, he will, but DH is at the end of his rope with having to do that. He's also passive-aggressive - for example, he likes the temperature in the house a certain way, so when I left the window open to air out the room my kids were sleeping in, he went in and closed it while I was in another room. Once we were riding in the car and I rolled my window down and he rolled it up from the driver's seat without saying anything. He is the oldest of 3 children and just sort of is used to having his way - DH said when he was a kid (growing up in FL) he used to dread the sound of the screen door opening, because that meant FIL had decided it wasn't warm enough outside (even if it was 85) for AC that day.

DH is getting more and more frustrated (I suspect because it is getting more pronounced as FIL gets older and we now have 2 kids to deal with, so we're busier) and I worry that their relationship will be affected. He is a kindhearted person, but just SO self-involved and set in his ways. Any thoughts on what's going on (DH swears he is on the spectrum somehow) or how to deal with it? MIL just sort of says "he'll help if you ask. That's how he has always been."

Then ask him -- what is the issue?


Ask who? FIL? He isn't aware that there IS an issue.

Ask FIL to help if that is what you want
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 15:36     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
He is an old dog that will not learn new tricks. He is very used to getting his own way. He is used to your MIL doing the busywork. Your DH needs to figure out how to accept him as he is, and develop strategies. Give him tasks to do. Maybe there are things you can ask him to "be in charge of," like being the one to get your 3-year-old to the bathroom and shoes on before leaving the house.

I can see how this would be very annoying, but it sounds like FIL just doesn't see what needs to be done (kind of like my DH just doesn't notice his dirty socks on the floor) rather than deliberately opting not to help even though he sees a need.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 15:30     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Anonymous wrote:None of this really sounds like a problem. If you want his help, tell him in the moment. Or later on tell him, next time such and such happens could you...? He means well, it seems. Probably just stuck in his ways and doesn't want to interfere in what he knows nothing about, like so many men in previous generations.


NP. Good point- maybe he just isnt sure what exactly to do that could be helpful and is afraid of getting in the way instead?
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 15:30     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Just ask him for help. It's obvious to you that an extra hand would be helpful, and it would be nice of him to offer, but some people just need specific instructions and to be asked directly, which may be annoying, but you will probably never change it.

As for closing the window, maybe he closed it bc the AC was on and he didnt realize you we airing out the room and had opened it? again, may not be necessarily passive- aggressive, just oblivious
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 15:27     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
None of this really sounds like a problem. If you want his help, tell him in the moment. Or later on tell him, next time such and such happens could you...? He means well, it seems. Probably just stuck in his ways and doesn't want to interfere in what he knows nothing about, like so many men in previous generations.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 15:25     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've never met anyone quite like him and he can be hard to describe, so forgive me if this is unclear. He is not an unkind man - he is just the LEAST helpful person I have ever met. For example - DH and I just got back from vacation with them. MIL is incredibly helpful - above and beyond (which is probably related, as she enables him). He, on the other hand, will literally be in the room while DH and me are running around trying to get the kids ready for the pool etc while the baby is screaming and the three year old is like I NEED TO GO POTTY! and will just stare off into space, 3 feet away. I don't think I've ever seen him volunteer to help with anything, ever. MIL will be struggling to hold down 7 dishes cooking at once in the kitchen and he'll be sitting there at the table staring into space again.

If you ask him specifically to do something, he will, but DH is at the end of his rope with having to do that. He's also passive-aggressive - for example, he likes the temperature in the house a certain way, so when I left the window open to air out the room my kids were sleeping in, he went in and closed it while I was in another room. Once we were riding in the car and I rolled my window down and he rolled it up from the driver's seat without saying anything. He is the oldest of 3 children and just sort of is used to having his way - DH said when he was a kid (growing up in FL) he used to dread the sound of the screen door opening, because that meant FIL had decided it wasn't warm enough outside (even if it was 85) for AC that day.

DH is getting more and more frustrated (I suspect because it is getting more pronounced as FIL gets older and we now have 2 kids to deal with, so we're busier) and I worry that their relationship will be affected. He is a kindhearted person, but just SO self-involved and set in his ways. Any thoughts on what's going on (DH swears he is on the spectrum somehow) or how to deal with it? MIL just sort of says "he'll help if you ask. That's how he has always been."

Then ask him -- what is the issue?


Ask who? FIL? He isn't aware that there IS an issue.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 15:22     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
Anonymous wrote:I've never met anyone quite like him and he can be hard to describe, so forgive me if this is unclear. He is not an unkind man - he is just the LEAST helpful person I have ever met. For example - DH and I just got back from vacation with them. MIL is incredibly helpful - above and beyond (which is probably related, as she enables him). He, on the other hand, will literally be in the room while DH and me are running around trying to get the kids ready for the pool etc while the baby is screaming and the three year old is like I NEED TO GO POTTY! and will just stare off into space, 3 feet away. I don't think I've ever seen him volunteer to help with anything, ever. MIL will be struggling to hold down 7 dishes cooking at once in the kitchen and he'll be sitting there at the table staring into space again.

If you ask him specifically to do something, he will, but DH is at the end of his rope with having to do that. He's also passive-aggressive - for example, he likes the temperature in the house a certain way, so when I left the window open to air out the room my kids were sleeping in, he went in and closed it while I was in another room. Once we were riding in the car and I rolled my window down and he rolled it up from the driver's seat without saying anything. He is the oldest of 3 children and just sort of is used to having his way - DH said when he was a kid (growing up in FL) he used to dread the sound of the screen door opening, because that meant FIL had decided it wasn't warm enough outside (even if it was 85) for AC that day.

DH is getting more and more frustrated (I suspect because it is getting more pronounced as FIL gets older and we now have 2 kids to deal with, so we're busier) and I worry that their relationship will be affected. He is a kindhearted person, but just SO self-involved and set in his ways. Any thoughts on what's going on (DH swears he is on the spectrum somehow) or how to deal with it? MIL just sort of says "he'll help if you ask. That's how he has always been."

Then ask him -- what is the issue?
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 15:09     Subject: What is the DEAL with my FIL?
I've never met anyone quite like him and he can be hard to describe, so forgive me if this is unclear. He is not an unkind man - he is just the LEAST helpful person I have ever met. For example - DH and I just got back from vacation with them. MIL is incredibly helpful - above and beyond (which is probably related, as she enables him). He, on the other hand, will literally be in the room while DH and me are running around trying to get the kids ready for the pool etc while the baby is screaming and the three year old is like I NEED TO GO POTTY! and will just stare off into space, 3 feet away. I don't think I've ever seen him volunteer to help with anything, ever. MIL will be struggling to hold down 7 dishes cooking at once in the kitchen and he'll be sitting there at the table staring into space again.

If you ask him specifically to do something, he will, but DH is at the end of his rope with having to do that. He's also passive-aggressive - for example, he likes the temperature in the house a certain way, so when I left the window open to air out the room my kids were sleeping in, he went in and closed it while I was in another room. Once we were riding in the car and I rolled my window down and he rolled it up from the driver's seat without saying anything. He is the oldest of 3 children and just sort of is used to having his way - DH said when he was a kid (growing up in FL) he used to dread the sound of the screen door opening, because that meant FIL had decided it wasn't warm enough outside (even if it was 85) for AC that day.

DH is getting more and more frustrated (I suspect because it is getting more pronounced as FIL gets older and we now have 2 kids to deal with, so we're busier) and I worry that their relationship will be affected. He is a kindhearted person, but just SO self-involved and set in his ways. Any thoughts on what's going on (DH swears he is on the spectrum somehow) or how to deal with it? MIL just sort of says "he'll help if you ask. That's how he has always been."