Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is currently a SAHM to two young kids. She doesn't have a visa to legally work her. In her own country she was a medical professional, however her qualifications don't transfer so she would have to go back to school to re-qualify. They moved here because they felt it was a better place to raise the kids but she feels she gave her up quality of life. I think she thought life here would be fantastic and that somehow she would be able to work. She loves her kids but she isn't a great mom. So being a SAHM isn't ideal. She is bitter and depressed that she can't work here, that her qualifications are useless, that life isn't as great as she thought it would be, and she feels very guilty that she isn't great at parenting. They are also fairly tight for cash so going back to school or paying childcare isn't really an option.

I am not really sure how to help her. I feel for her kids too. And my brother as he gets the brunt of her anger. Part of me feels that these are the choices they made and that she needs to make the best of it but she is just so miserable.

This sounds like they moved here AFTER having kids. So your brother is American and the wife and kids are from somewhere else? She THOUGHT life would be better here. Is it? If it's NOT, then they should move back. Your brother needs to be supportive of his wife. If he thinks being a SAH parent is so easy, he could move back to the other country and be a SAHD.

No idea why you are being nasty. I never said he wasn't supportive or that he thought being a SAHP was easy.

Not being nasty. I'm sure they don't want to move back to SIL's home country because the husband might be in the same position as SIL is now: not being able to find a job. So he could be a SAHD. I'm guessing it's fine for SIL to be SAH, but not for BIL.

Why ELSE would they not move back? Can you give some insight instead of calling a poster "nasty"?

He isn't being supportive if she is miserable and he's doing NOTHING to try and fix the issue(s). According to your post, you don't say he has done X, Y, Z.

Well, I'm not sure there's much you can do to be supportive emotionally. It doesn't sound like you like her very much. If your brother and/or his wife hasn't asked for your help, trying to be "helpful" could be seen as meddling.

She could go back to studying and finishing a degree here. If she was in the medical field, something like a physician's assistant or nurse might appeal to her and it takes far less time and money than becoming a doctor. If you're local you could help watch the kids or help financially with tuition.

If she's from another country, she could probably find a group/club with people of her country of origin. There are playgroups/cultural groups. Meetup.com would be a good resource.

Of course, these are things that she'd have to do for herself. Not sure if language/lack of knowledge/possible depression are barriers. I hope she finds her niche.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is currently a SAHM to two young kids. She doesn't have a visa to legally work her. In her own country she was a medical professional, however her qualifications don't transfer so she would have to go back to school to re-qualify. They moved here because they felt it was a better place to raise the kids but she feels she gave her up quality of life. I think she thought life here would be fantastic and that somehow she would be able to work. She loves her kids but she isn't a great mom. So being a SAHM isn't ideal. She is bitter and depressed that she can't work here, that her qualifications are useless, that life isn't as great as she thought it would be, and she feels very guilty that she isn't great at parenting. They are also fairly tight for cash so going back to school or paying childcare isn't really an option.

I am not really sure how to help her. I feel for her kids too. And my brother as he gets the brunt of her anger. Part of me feels that these are the choices they made and that she needs to make the best of it but she is just so miserable.

This sounds like they moved here AFTER having kids. So your brother is American and the wife and kids are from somewhere else? She THOUGHT life would be better here. Is it? If it's NOT, then they should move back. Your brother needs to be supportive of his wife. If he thinks being a SAH parent is so easy, he could move back to the other country and be a SAHD.

No idea why you are being nasty. I never said he wasn't supportive or that he thought being a SAHP was easy.

OP here.

Their first child was born in the country they previously lived in. My brother was a SAHD for the first 18 months while my SIL worked full time. During those 18 months they were doing all the paperwork to move here. I asked them a few times before they moved what they would do about the job situation and they said that my SIL was going to stay at home for a while and my brother work. Then once their kids were in school she would go back to work. At the time she was taking courses and studying to write her exams here so she could eventually still work. Then they moved here, had another baby and she stopped studying and now says she has forgotten too much to ever be able to write the exams.

She isn't a great mom and the SAHM thing doesn't work at all for her. She doesn't understand child development at all, and her expectations for her kids are pretty unreasonable so they are always locked in power struggles, temper tantrums and yelling matches. She is a very hot headed emotional person.

My brother has said he would move back but she has a pretty sweet life here compared to what she had and she doesn't want to go back either. Also there is a lot of crime where they lived and she doesn't think it is safe to go back home. Basically she doesn't want her life here and she doesn't want her life there.

Family helps as much as we can, mostly for the sake of the kids. My brother goes in early and is home by 4:00 so he takes over then.

She is just so unhappy and miserable but also doesn't really want to do anything about it. No option is a good option and she hates that all her education and skills and ability were wasted.

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is currently a SAHM to two young kids. She doesn't have a visa to legally work her. In her own country she was a medical professional, however her qualifications don't transfer so she would have to go back to school to re-qualify. They moved here because they felt it was a better place to raise the kids but she feels she gave her up quality of life. I think she thought life here would be fantastic and that somehow she would be able to work. She loves her kids but she isn't a great mom. So being a SAHM isn't ideal. She is bitter and depressed that she can't work here, that her qualifications are useless, that life isn't as great as she thought it would be, and she feels very guilty that she isn't great at parenting. They are also fairly tight for cash so going back to school or paying childcare isn't really an option.

I am not really sure how to help her. I feel for her kids too. And my brother as he gets the brunt of her anger. Part of me feels that these are the choices they made and that she needs to make the best of it but she is just so miserable.

This sounds like they moved here AFTER having kids. So your brother is American and the wife and kids are from somewhere else? She THOUGHT life would be better here. Is it? If it's NOT, then they should move back. Your brother needs to be supportive of his wife. If he thinks being a SAH parent is so easy, he could move back to the other country and be a SAHD.

Anonymous wrote:I would encourage them to return to their home country. It sounds like their quality of life was better there.

+1

She should also look into taking a test to qualify rather than schooling. It really depends on what she was.

Anonymous wrote:What kind of medical professional? What does your brother do? Is there a reason they didn't figure this out before moving?

This is my question. They didn't discuss that she couldn't work here? Especially if he barely makes enough for them to squeak by?

What kind of medical professional? What does your brother do? Is there a reason they didn't figure this out before moving?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would encourage them to return to their home country. It sounds like their quality of life was better there.

But their home country is here, in America. SHE, the sister in law, is the only one from another country. So three other people who were born and raised in America should move to the mother's country? What's to say THEY then won't wind up depressed and angry?

OP, can you watch the kids sometimes? Can she get work under the table? Can you help her get the qualifications she needs in order to work here in the US?

I didn't read it this way. There's no mention of the kids being born here.

Anonymous wrote:I would encourage them to return to their home country. It sounds like their quality of life was better there.

But their home country is here, in America. SHE, the sister in law, is the only one from another country. So three other people who were born and raised in America should move to the mother's country? What's to say THEY then won't wind up depressed and angry?

OP, can you watch the kids sometimes? Can she get work under the table? Can you help her get the qualifications she needs in order to work here in the US?

12:06 again - took a few months for my husband's work authorization to come through and it was tough for us as a couple and being a SAHD is not his calling, but it was definitely worth the wait.

How long will it take her to get work authorization here? If it's a matter of months, then perhaps she can stick it out here - find some way to get adult interaction every day just for sanity's sake and sign the kids up for some fun activities - dance class, half day summer camp, utilize the free story time at the library, etc. so it's not all on her to keep them engaged all day. She may not be able to resume her old career but maybe she can find other work in a few months time that will make her feel like she has a better balance in life.

Isn't a good mom or isn't a good SAHM? Means two very different things.

I would encourage them to return to their home country. It sounds like their quality of life was better there.

My SIL is currently a SAHM to two young kids. She doesn't have a visa to legally work her. In her own country she was a medical professional, however her qualifications don't transfer so she would have to go back to school to re-qualify. They moved here because they felt it was a better place to raise the kids but she feels she gave her up quality of life. I think she thought life here would be fantastic and that somehow she would be able to work. She loves her kids but she isn't a great mom. So being a SAHM isn't ideal. She is bitter and depressed that she can't work here, that her qualifications are useless, that life isn't as great as she thought it would be, and she feels very guilty that she isn't great at parenting. They are also fairly tight for cash so going back to school or paying childcare isn't really an option.

I am not really sure how to help her. I feel for her kids too. And my brother as he gets the brunt of her anger. Part of me feels that these are the choices they made and that she needs to make the best of it but she is just so miserable.