Anonymous
07/13/2014 12:12
Subject: Re:Don't enjoy parenting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You knew what you signed up for when you adopt. Did you think you would have a "perfect" child? You knew you wouldn't know much about the child's history and anything, delays and special needs could be possible.
We'll it is harsh but there is some truth to this. When you adopt a special need child you are not going into the same parenting experience as parents who birth their children and parents who haven neuro typical kids. Did you have prenadoption training and is there anything that led you to this path that you can fall back on? Are you involved in any adoption groups that can give you comfort and or advice? Can you build on and get satisfaction from the 10% that is good? Can you focus on the progress of the delays and get excited about your role in remediating this? What is it that drew you to this in the first place? Are things going as expected and you are just worn out because it's hard or is there something unexpected? Is bonding an issue? Maybe if you figure out the real issue you will be able to find more satisfaction. And as a PP mentioned, parenting is a lot of drudgery. If you can't find some measure of satisfaction in the laundry and cooking and cleaning then your days will be mostly unsatisfying.
Not OP but this has nothing to do with adoption as she could have had a special needs child by birth. Out of all our services and preschool my child is the only adopted one. Training and preparation cannot change the fact that your child has special needs. We were completely lied to about drugs, alcohol and lifestyle. We suspected but nothing like what the reality was. Many people lie in adoption so it isn't like one sets out often to adopt a special needs child. It just happens just like it happens in birth.
And, my child is the perfect child regardless of how he joined our family.
I agree you are a sad person to say that.
Anonymous
07/13/2014 12:08
Subject: Don't enjoy parenting
Parenting is tough, but you don't have to struggle alone and in shame. MoCo has a great program called Parent Encouragement Program, I think. Free classes and lots of peer support. I have many friends, neighbors, and parents of my students who rave about it.
Have a comprehensive screening to see what SN she has and learn strategies to reduce their impact.
My two are easy from a behavior standpoint but one has ADHD and the other probably does & I suspect is on the spectrum. Both have health issues that when well managed aren't disabling, but require vigilance. I'm also divorced. So I built a strong network of support, refuse to worry about being super mom , and celebrate whatever good each day brings.
Your child must have traits and behaviors that bring you joy. Look to those when you feel frustration. Maybe
Have a comprehensive screening to see what SN she has and learn strategies to reduce their impact.
My two are easy from a behavior standpoint but one has ADHD and the other probably does & I suspect is on the spectrum. Both have health issues that when well managed aren't disabling, but require vigilance. I'm also divorced. So I built a strong network of support, refuse to worry about being super mom , and celebrate whatever good each day brings.
Your child must have traits and behaviors that bring you joy. Look to those when you feel frustration. Maybe
Anonymous
07/13/2014 11:11
Subject: Don't enjoy parenting
OP,
I'm so sorry. I agree with the helpful PP's above, get support for yourself and for your child.
I'm so sorry. I agree with the helpful PP's above, get support for yourself and for your child.
Anonymous
07/13/2014 10:43
Subject: Re:Don't enjoy parenting
Anonymous wrote:You knew what you signed up for when you adopt. Did you think you would have a "perfect" child? You knew you wouldn't know much about the child's history and anything, delays and special needs could be possible.
I think this is uncalled for and not helpful.
I have a non-adopted, non-special needs child and everything you said above applies to me too. That doesn't mean it wasn't the shock of my life finding out how HARD and draining parenting is. I didn't expect it to be easy but I had NO IDEA how hard it was. The same is true of most people I know with kids, whether adopted or not special needs or not. Telling someone in this place they should have known what to expect is just shame and guilt inducing and does nothing to help deal with the situation.
I love my kid more than I ever thought possible, but much of parenting is not fun. But I wouldn't trade it for anything.
OP, you sound overwhelmed. At least you sound like I feel when I'm overwhelmed. I agree with PP who suggested finding help and support. Pick the problem that you think solving will make the biggest difference in your life, and make small changes to work on that problem. Hang in there!
Anonymous
07/13/2014 09:44
Subject: Re:Don't enjoy parenting
OP,
I have two special needs kids, so I can empathize. I know how hard it can be. Adoption can come with a whole host of issues as well.
Two things are key, 1. that you get support for your DC's delays and 2. you get support for yourself.
Have you gotten her assessed by a developmental pediatrician or has she had a neuropsych evaluation. This would be helpful in giving you a full picture of what issues she has and how best to address them.
To help the two of you bond, play therapy might be helpful. For suggestions on where to go for either of these things, I'd suggest the Special Needs forum.
Lastly, you need to take care of yourself. There are adoption support groups and for the here and now a therapist for you.
What's feasible for you? What small steps can you take this week?
I have two special needs kids, so I can empathize. I know how hard it can be. Adoption can come with a whole host of issues as well.
Two things are key, 1. that you get support for your DC's delays and 2. you get support for yourself.
Have you gotten her assessed by a developmental pediatrician or has she had a neuropsych evaluation. This would be helpful in giving you a full picture of what issues she has and how best to address them.
To help the two of you bond, play therapy might be helpful. For suggestions on where to go for either of these things, I'd suggest the Special Needs forum.
Lastly, you need to take care of yourself. There are adoption support groups and for the here and now a therapist for you.
What's feasible for you? What small steps can you take this week?
Anonymous
07/13/2014 09:32
Subject: Re:Don't enjoy parenting
Anonymous wrote:You knew what you signed up for when you adopt. Did you think you would have a "perfect" child? You knew you wouldn't know much about the child's history and anything, delays and special needs could be possible.
We'll it is harsh but there is some truth to this. When you adopt a special need child you are not going into the same parenting experience as parents who birth their children and parents who haven neuro typical kids. Did you have prenadoption training and is there anything that led you to this path that you can fall back on? Are you involved in any adoption groups that can give you comfort and or advice? Can you build on and get satisfaction from the 10% that is good? Can you focus on the progress of the delays and get excited about your role in remediating this? What is it that drew you to this in the first place? Are things going as expected and you are just worn out because it's hard or is there something unexpected? Is bonding an issue? Maybe if you figure out the real issue you will be able to find more satisfaction. And as a PP mentioned, parenting is a lot of drudgery. If you can't find some measure of satisfaction in the laundry and cooking and cleaning then your days will be mostly unsatisfying.
Anonymous
07/13/2014 09:14
Subject: Don't enjoy parenting
Can you give some examples of the things you don't enjoy? How about some things you have enjoyed? When did you egg your child?
Anonymous
07/13/2014 09:13
Subject: Don't enjoy parenting
Parenting is a thankless job at times. I'm sure most any parent has been in your shoes. Hang in there! If it doesn't get better, maybe you weren't cut out to be a parent and should seek some help. Child should have a chance at a happy life.
Anonymous
07/13/2014 09:08
Subject: Re:Don't enjoy parenting
Anonymous wrote:You knew what you signed up for when you adopt. Did you think you would have a "perfect" child? You knew you wouldn't know much about the child's history and anything, delays and special needs could be possible.
F. You. You are a complete and utter asshole.
Anonymous
07/13/2014 09:07
Subject: Re:Don't enjoy parenting
Anonymous wrote:You knew what you signed up for when you adopt. Did you think you would have a "perfect" child? You knew you wouldn't know much about the child's history and anything, delays and special needs could be possible.
I'm sure OP will find your comment very helpful. Well done.
OP, i'm sorry, and I hope things improve for you. Do you have support or are you on your own?
Anonymous
07/13/2014 09:04
Subject: Re:Don't enjoy parenting
You knew what you signed up for when you adopt. Did you think you would have a "perfect" child? You knew you wouldn't know much about the child's history and anything, delays and special needs could be possible.
Anonymous
07/13/2014 08:29
Subject: Don't enjoy parenting
Parenting is the hardest job there is.
Anonymous
07/13/2014 08:28
Subject: Don't enjoy parenting
6. 4yrs
Anonymous
07/13/2014 08:12
Subject: Re:Don't enjoy parenting
You don't say how old the child is. You don't say how long the child has been with you.
Anonymous
07/13/2014 08:10
Subject: Don't enjoy parenting
DC is adopted. She doesn't listen and has some delays. She whines and complains and is rarely happy when with me. This is not what I envisioned and 90% of the time I don't enjoy parenting.