Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did your DH sexually assualt his sister when they were younger? It happens more often than you would think.

This is what I am thinking.

I hate to say it, but this is what came to my mind right away, too. You need to find out what's behind this hostility.

Sharing a beach house per chance?

Anonymous wrote:You need to learn about paragraphs.

Amen!

Anonymous wrote:Did your DH sexually assualt his sister when they were younger? It happens more often than you would think.

This is what I am thinking.

Anonymous wrote:It's time the story comes out and someone tells you what happened. I don't think she's a sociopath as she's obviously capable of maintaining a healthy relationship with other family members.

There's a lot more to this story than you realize. I hate to say it, but I'm like the PP and I wonder if there's been some sort of sexual abuse.

+1

If SIL was like this with everyone, then I would write them off as having some possible mental issues. If she can maintain healthy relationships with other family members and people, then chances are she isn't the problem person.

I find it very hard to believe your DH has no idea why his sister hates him. Doesn't excuse an outburst, but it helps explain it. There's probably a lot you don't know, or DH withholds from you, OP.

There is a reason your kid doesn't talk to her. Listen to your kid!

Stop trying to give your kids a sense of fake family harmony. Your husband's sister and family are dysfunctional.

Why would you want to expose yourself and your kids to that, especially with the threat of physical harm looming? The only thing your kids will experience is the crazed side of family traditions.

It's time the story comes out and someone tells you what happened. I don't think she's a sociopath as she's obviously capable of maintaining a healthy relationship with other family members.

There's a lot more to this story than you realize. I hate to say it, but I'm like the PP and I wonder if there's been some sort of sexual abuse.

You need to learn about paragraphs.

Traditions? Screw any traditions with this family. OP, be the mother and wife that your family needs you to be: cut these people off.

Your DH has no idea why his sister hates him?

Did your DH sexually assualt his sister when they were younger? It happens more often than you would think.

Maybe see the other family members without SIL...she sounds mentally ill. Make plans with the PILs or other relatives without SIL. If people bring it up say you have no idea what is wrong with SIL, but that your children must be safe so you can't subject your children to her behavior.

I have a relative like that (parent's sibling who treats my parent in pretty much the same way). Living grandparent enables it, will not defend my parent.
As you often find in families with addiction issues (deceased gp was an alcoholic), the primary caregivers will enable the addiction, and model pacifying the person who is the addict/abusive person. It is sick and dysfunctional and the most you can do is to not engage. After this craziness, I would refuse to go around the SIL. Your poor DH was taught to enable the craziness, supress his own feelings and dignity. Be patient, he has to learn to recognize that his family is dysfunctional. But you need to stand strong about not being around her, she sounds like she is 2 seconds from psychotic break.

I am heartbroken that my sweet DC had to witness a violent verbal assault from my hostile SIL this past weekend, and that the attack included him. I was not there, but she and my husband got into a disagreement because she would not move out of the way when he was trying to get past her with our 3 year old and said "excuse me" several times. She would not move or answer, and finally said "I'm not doing anything for you". He said "excuse me" again and she would not move, and this escalated into her calling him names and him saying that she should not ever call him names in front of his child. She was screaming at this point and said "your wife's a bitch, you're a jackass, and that's why your child doesn't know how to talk (in reference to our child being a little shy and not always saying hi, etc. - of course, he's actually not shy and has no problem except around DH's family, which includes the hostile SIL). He gathered up our child and left at that point. Some background: SIL hates DH. I'm not sure why and nobody will talk much about it. This had been going on for 20 years prior to meeting DH. His family hides it from extended family, and other people think she is lovely and would never believe how she acts in her nuclear family. She is very sneaky and acts like a different person in front of other people. She was marginally friendly when I first met her but she slowly started to let her real personality reveal itself and started to be passive aggressively ride, and then it escalated into full ignore mode (i.e., if I enter a room and say "hello", she does not answer). DH and I are the only people that she acts like this with. She is pushing 50, never married, no kids. DH's parents are in complete denial and pretend that it's not happening because they are older and rely on her, and know that they need her on their side, and his mother is terrified of her temper (and knows that she will be her caretaker when DH's dad is gone). DH has another sister to whom this sister is close, and she acts like a second parent to her children, however she has never spoken to or acknowledged that our children exist. DH's parents insist that she purchase birthday and holiday presents, but she will do things like write on the card "from X", whereas on the other cards she writes "love aunt X". Kids are too young to notice now but they will in time. Her behavior has escalated since we have had kids from ignoring us to outright saying things about us, while we are there (never directly to us). For example, when I was trying to get some food for our kids last Christmas, she said out loud to no one "Well, I guess I will wait to get my food since this rude person has gone in front of me". DH's parents always have a talk with her and "lay down the law", but it always happens again. I am pretty sure SIL is a sociopath. When it was just me and DH, it didn't bother me, but I have expressed fear for my children's safety around her and will not let them out of sight. I don't think she would actively hurt them, but if my children were about to walk in front of an oncoming car and no one were around to see (and maybe even if they were, assuming it's the nuclear family that knows this side of her), I am certain she would do nothing. I have expressed this to my husband over the years and he thought I was silly. After this weekend, he is starting to come around. The question is how to handle next. I accept that fact that we have let her incrementally get away with ever increasing poor behavior over the years for the sake of "family harmony". But it also bothers me that if we never go to any more family functions, our children lose out of family traditions. Because of her, we have cut back on so many family functions that we barely see his family. So, essentially, she is controlling (and we are letting her control) our lives in that way. I feel like even though it's unpleasant and she scares the bejesus out of me, I feel like we should be standing up for ourselves and modeling for our children how that is done (part of the reason why I don't is probably because I never learned how). But I am also concerned that SIL is nearing some sort of psychological break and her next outburst could be physical. I would not want my children to witness or be victim of that. And even when she is silent the whole time, the tension is so thick that nobody has a good time anyways. Any family therapists out there care to opine?