Curious, OP, are your ILs from outside the US?

Anonymous wrote:
and 2) - - i am a negative nilly. just about everything they say or suggest, i say the opposite (see above, for example - i could have just internally rolled my eyes and enjoyed posting on dcum, but i HAD to say something)... its almost a disease. I found that I couldn't let anything go... now, some of it was truly my beliefs - they're anti-organic and like to get into big debates with me about what's wrong with pesticides, so, in that case, disagreeing with them merely upholds my personal position, but sometimes, i found myself disagreeing regardless of what was being said.

something to work on before the next trip - we have to go see them for a week in august.

I'm like this with my FIL. We are oil and water. I have no idea why, but he's bring out my ornery side.

OP here.

it wasn't terrible.

there is no option of limiting their visits or asking them to stay in a hotel. my DH would rather die than ever let that happen.

nonetheless, it was ok. i found two interesting things: 1) my MIL constantly defends/butters up/supports my DH, even whne he is in the wrong (his sister was here, so i saw her support her son over her DD, even when my SIL was right about things). I have never quite noticed this before, but that women lives her whole life to protect her son. Slightly funny story: at one point, my Dh said, i'm hungry, i'm going to have a snack. and i said, oj have some fruit, i have a ton of peaches and MIl jumps in and says "I was just going to cut one up for you, son." and i responded "oh, he doens't need it cut up, he's a grown up, he'll be ok" - which i know is snarky, but i really hate how she does that ALL the time - the constant cutting up fruit for him or catering to him.

and 2) - - i am a negative nilly. just about everything they say or suggest, i say the opposite (see above, for example - i could have just internally rolled my eyes and enjoyed posting on dcum, but i HAD to say something)... its almost a disease. I found that I couldn't let anything go... now, some of it was truly my beliefs - they're anti-organic and like to get into big debates with me about what's wrong with pesticides, so, in that case, disagreeing with them merely upholds my personal position, but sometimes, i found myself disagreeing regardless of what was being said.

something to work on before the next trip - we have to go see them for a week in august.

I was four weeks post-partum when my inlaws came for a. Visit. They emailed me a list of breakfast foods to have available for them. I feel your pain, OP.

It sounds like your husband may not know if he's stressed out. If it took you 10 years to realize that his parents are causing problems in your marriage, it might take him even longer to figure that out.

Before they get here (or if they're already here, do this once they're gone), take him aside and tell him you notice that whenever his fam comes over, he's more stressed than usual. He may very possibly deny it, but just continue and tell him the ways:

-Hiring someone to clean your house (as if you or DH aren't good enough?)
-Catering to their weird requests of fresh-squeezed OJ and fresh pastries every morning (you are not a hotel service, you are a family. If they expect this then they should stay at a hotel)
-Separate rooms for everyone - either you live in a gigantic house or you and/or your kids are sleeping on the couch. It's fine if you can accommodate this without inconveniencing yourselves, but if you're sleeping on the couch or air mattress all week then that many nights of bad sleep are only going to add to the stress
-Name past situations of when they've visited where he's been more stressed, and/or situations of this visit

Speak calmly, don't accuse. And with everything, note HIS reaction to each example, not yours. Ask him how he feels about it all, and keep the focus on him. If he asks you how you feel about any of these instances, tell him it bothers you that he seems stressed/irritated/frustrated/annoyed by their actions, etc. If he's the type of person that can't hear an accusation against his selfish family, then avoid telling him how their actions effect you other than it's sad/hard/whatever to see him in a bad mood when they come.

Also, suggest they stay for less time, and in a hotel the next time they visit. I love my ILs but can only stand them for about 3 days before I'm done.

Your husband must expect money coming from them. Nothing explains a doormat like an inheritance.

Hotel for them. And you decide when visiting hours are. And you always have an escape plan - never put yourself in a position where you can't excuse yourself and leave the room. Oh, and buffets not sit-down dinners. Mingle so you aren't held hostage next to someone.

For all these reasons, I will never be stuck out in the middle of the lake in a boat with my brother and his wife. Now, at a BBQ mingling, that's fine.

Why do you even BOTHER to invite them? They are acting that way and you cater to them. WHY?

There is polite and then there is being a doormat. They are being rude, so why do you have to keep bending to their whims.

If your MIL thinks children should be seen and not heard, send her a photo and DO NOT invite them in the future.

You and your DH have created the problem. YOU and DH need to fix it. NIX the visits. Or keep them short.

Anonymous wrote:OP, be like the willow that bends in the wind. If anyone makes snarky comments, who cares? You don't care about their opinion, and if on some level they're trying to needle you or insult you, then thwart them by not being insulted or needled. It's hard at first, but once you get into that mode it's really fantastic. Just try to find it funny, if possible. If you like your life and are happy with your nuclear family, then who cares.

As far as oj and pastries, if it's only for a couple of days I might do it. For one thing, fresh pastries = you escape to the store for half an hour!

Talk to your DH about keeping his tension level down. You can do this without insulting or criticizing his folks, and keep the focus on the facts you observe: he gets tense, he gets cranky, what can we do to reduce this. It's possible that if you slough things off more and are less tense, it will help him be a little less tense as well. Good luck! Let us know how the weekend goes!

great advice. thank you. i'm looking to stay calm and cool. and i will be the willow!

-op

OP, be like the willow that bends in the wind. If anyone makes snarky comments, who cares? You don't care about their opinion, and if on some level they're trying to needle you or insult you, then thwart them by not being insulted or needled. It's hard at first, but once you get into that mode it's really fantastic. Just try to find it funny, if possible. If you like your life and are happy with your nuclear family, then who cares.

As far as oj and pastries, if it's only for a couple of days I might do it. For one thing, fresh pastries = you escape to the store for half an hour!

Talk to your DH about keeping his tension level down. You can do this without insulting or criticizing his folks, and keep the focus on the facts you observe: he gets tense, he gets cranky, what can we do to reduce this. It's possible that if you slough things off more and are less tense, it will help him be a little less tense as well. Good luck! Let us know how the weekend goes!

OP,

If only freshly squeezed OJ and pastries would satisfy my in-laws. That just sounds like a major inconvenience, but the rest of it, particularly from your husband sounds crazy.

First of all, they are his parents so why should you be responsible for the cooking and making sure the house is up to snuff? Also, your parents have generously offered their car and access to the fireworks. Why is he getting so worked up? Your parents do not owe the a formal invitation.

It sounds like no matter what you or he does it will never be good enough for his parents and sister. They totally need to get over themselves. He's acting like the Queen of England and her entourage are visiting.

I feel for you, OP, I really do. I can't stand my ILs. They are not as demanding as your ILs, but my MIL is a major PITA. Fortunately, my husband realizes it and doesn't go out of his way for his folks.

There's really no pain in bending yourself into a pretzel to please these people b/c I doubt it would work anyway.

Hang in there.

PS: maybe they won't like their visit so they won't be in any rush to come back any time soon? one can hope, right?

Yikes. My in laws are picky and I try to cook them what I know they'll eat, but fresh squeezed oj? Puh leaze. Just don't make it!! What's the worst that can happen??

Anonymous wrote:So, we've been married 10 years, but it never gets easier. DH loves his parents and we visit f0r 3 separate weeks a year, but they rarely ever come here (we have 2 little kids, so have often urged that it's easier for them than for us). So, now they're all coming en masse this weekend, sil, mil, and fil - all need separate bedrooms b/c my in laws have never slept together since i've known them and they always have kind of high-end demands once they come here that i never see them have at their home (on arrival to DC, they need fresh squeezed OJ - not store bought, and will only eat pastries for breakfast and would prefer that they be fresh - so they'll throw out whichever once didn't get eaten on day 2 and request a re-buy on day 3)...

but, honestly, the problem is not them and their many idiosyncrasies; its my DH. I think he hates these visits; he is tense for days in advance, kept asking that i hire someone to clean the house (i did) then repeatedly asked me if it would be clean enough... basically, he's been a stress case all week - which will last all wknd, but over the wknd, at the behest of his mother, his anger and stress will turn to the kids (MIL likes children who can be seen and not heard and wants everyone silent and adoring of her) if they do one "bad' thing and towards me - b/c I didn't clean the inside of the bathrom cabinet or something obscure (my SIL is a mere 31, but noses around to find things that are "wrong" and brings them up passiveaggressively- aka, a recent conversation "oh, i like your new house, i mean, its totally like your old one in that it doesn't have any style and its pretty boring, but its great that you guys moved!"

I admit; over the years, I've protected myself by throwing barbs and being snarky, but over the past couple of days, I've realized that the problem with these visits is that is causes a rift between me and DH - any thoughts on how I can approach it? He can not hear a single bad thing about his family and even if they're being awful (even if to him), he just denies it absolutely. he can't bear that they might not be perfect and absolutely can't bear that they might have negative traits...

My parents live in the area and have generously loaned us their car (much bigger than ours and can fit everyone with 2 carseats) and also have offered us one of their 2 parking spots in the city to use for the fireworks (we'd have to go with them - its a secure building - they would drive us into the lot). DH first complained that he didn't want to have to share the fourth with my family, then complained that he would prefer my parents invite his family over formally.

So, just help. I'm tired, I'm cranky, I took the day off to cook dinner and i"m just spent...

If they're such pains in the ass, you can't win either way, right? So why cater to these silly whims at all? It blows my mind how many adults let their childish parents act like spoiled a-holes.

My DH and I often have a game plan going into stressful situations. I think you've got to approach this with him.

"DH, I can't help but notice how much you're stressing out about your family visit. There's only so much we can do about their expectations and comments, but I need to ask you to still be my pleasant, loving husband this weekend. If I see you snap at the kids or start to crack, I'm going to say something. If you're upset with your family about anything they do or say, I'd ask that you speak with THEM, not take it out on us. Can you do that for me?"

And, OP, really, fresh-squeezed orange juice? Daily pastries? No, no, no. Get some regular OJ, buy some basic breakfast supplies, and say cheerfully, "Here's breakfast!" If they complain, then shrug your shoulders and walk away.

Get through this visit, see how it goes, and then talk with DH about making fewer/shorter visits.

So, we've been married 10 years, but it never gets easier. DH loves his parents and we visit f0r 3 separate weeks a year, but they rarely ever come here (we have 2 little kids, so have often urged that it's easier for them than for us). So, now they're all coming en masse this weekend, sil, mil, and fil - all need separate bedrooms b/c my in laws have never slept together since i've known them and they always have kind of high-end demands once they come here that i never see them have at their home (on arrival to DC, they need fresh squeezed OJ - not store bought, and will only eat pastries for breakfast and would prefer that they be fresh - so they'll throw out whichever once didn't get eaten on day 2 and request a re-buy on day 3)...

but, honestly, the problem is not them and their many idiosyncrasies; its my DH. I think he hates these visits; he is tense for days in advance, kept asking that i hire someone to clean the house (i did) then repeatedly asked me if it would be clean enough... basically, he's been a stress case all week - which will last all wknd, but over the wknd, at the behest of his mother, his anger and stress will turn to the kids (MIL likes children who can be seen and not heard and wants everyone silent and adoring of her) if they do one "bad' thing and towards me - b/c I didn't clean the inside of the bathrom cabinet or something obscure (my SIL is a mere 31, but noses around to find things that are "wrong" and brings them up passiveaggressively- aka, a recent conversation "oh, i like your new house, i mean, its totally like your old one in that it doesn't have any style and its pretty boring, but its great that you guys moved!"

I admit; over the years, I've protected myself by throwing barbs and being snarky, but over the past couple of days, I've realized that the problem with these visits is that is causes a rift between me and DH - any thoughts on how I can approach it? He can not hear a single bad thing about his family and even if they're being awful (even if to him), he just denies it absolutely. he can't bear that they might not be perfect and absolutely can't bear that they might have negative traits...

My parents live in the area and have generously loaned us their car (much bigger than ours and can fit everyone with 2 carseats) and also have offered us one of their 2 parking spots in the city to use for the fireworks (we'd have to go with them - its a secure building - they would drive us into the lot). DH first complained that he didn't want to have to share the fourth with my family, then complained that he would prefer my parents invite his family over formally.

So, just help. I'm tired, I'm cranky, I took the day off to cook dinner and i"m just spent...