I once babysat in a home where the bookshelves were filled with meticulously filed copies of Playboy, Penthouse, Penthouse Forum, etc. There was also a massive highly realistic painting of the wife reclining nude above the master bed.

You had no right to discuss the problems of your in laws. You are a gossip. If I were your in law and I found out you discussed my problem with your mother, the you-know-what would hit the fan.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepfather DID cross the line -- for years -- and my mother knows, is still married to him AND will sometimes say things like "Oh, I can't watch Law and Order. I can't bear any show about harming children."

Hang in there, OP. And feel free to hang up.

I'm 17:11 and this sounds familiar, too. It's almost like a dare. "I challenge you to say you were molested by your stepfather -- go ahead, i double dog dare you!" Even worse if it's at the dinner table in front of Thanksgiving guests.

I'm not worried about this because if somehow it ever comes up my family will believe me and not her, though I'm not sure she would even deny it. She's probably just make up some excuse and say she thought things were normal. I'm the calm one in the family so whenever I get upset people tend to listen because it doesn't happen often. I think after years of talking about it my father is completely embarrassed and feels very guilty because she was usually the one who initiated the talking. The porn, that just sat there and I think now he realizes how stupid it was to leave it out like it was Road and Track or something. Still lots to work on but making progress.

OP, sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on this. You know you can't change your mom, right? You just have to not engage and it sounds like you've learned that. Just think of her as an alcoholic who has a disease that you can't change. That helped me with my mom. Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:I ... didn't even know there WERE see-through panties for 10 yr olds. Were you one of those Bigger Girls like the size of a 14 yr old or something?

+1

WTF???

Anonymous wrote:My stepfather DID cross the line -- for years -- and my mother knows, is still married to him AND will sometimes say things like "Oh, I can't watch Law and Order. I can't bear any show about harming children."

Hang in there, OP. And feel free to hang up.

I'm 17:11 and this sounds familiar, too. It's almost like a dare. "I challenge you to say you were molested by your stepfather -- go ahead, i double dog dare you!" Even worse if it's at the dinner table in front of Thanksgiving guests.

My stepfather DID cross the line -- for years -- and my mother knows, is still married to him AND will sometimes say things like "Oh, I can't watch Law and Order. I can't bear any show about harming children."

Hang in there, OP. And feel free to hang up.

Anonymous wrote:No I was an average sized kid, she would buy the xs size. It didn't really get crazy till i was in 5th or 6tg grade and started looking less like a little kid. I still have a relationship with both parents and no, I wouldn't call my father a pedophile. However weird the "openness" was, lines were never crossed but I can now see how close it was to criminal. I have a daughter now and closely monitor their time with her, though she's very little now. We have had several discussions about the things that need to change and the house is pretty much cleaned up. I think we are moving towards as close to a normal family dynamic as there can be. I have also explained that if one of my rules is even so much as bent, I will cut off contact.

I'm just tired of the pretending everything was normal. My mom used to brush it off and say that I was super conservative and roll her eyes at me, but I asked her if she was raised that way and what would her parents have thought. I also asked if she was so sure it was normal, she should ask her friends. She kind of got quiet and I think was imagining what her friends would say, so at least I think she now believes it wasn't acceptable. At the time I doubt she even considered that it was inappropriate. Most or the craziness came from her part in trying to be the "cool" mom. It's a miracle I never got into drugs.

I'm just tired if her talking about my upbringing like she was the perfect parent. Sorry for the crazy rant. So irritated.

The next level up from this is for your mother to say in front of a room full of people that you always thought you were treated inappropriately as a child and that you think you were asked to wear see-through panties and parade them in front of your father. That way she establishes to others that you are not to be trusted with any of these memories from your childhood and if you ever bring them up, people will already have been alerted by her to think you have a mental problem.

Sorry for typos, iphone fail.

No I was an average sized kid, she would buy the xs size. It didn't really get crazy till i was in 5th or 6tg grade and started looking less like a little kid. I still have a relationship with both parents and no, I wouldn't call my father a pedophile. However weird the "openness" was, lines were never crossed but I can now see how close it was to criminal. I have a daughter now and closely monitor their time with her, though she's very little now. We have had several discussions about the things that need to change and the house is pretty much cleaned up. I think we are moving towards as close to a normal family dynamic as there can be. I have also explained that if one of my rules is even so much as bent, I will cut off contact.

I'm just tired of the pretending everything was normal. My mom used to brush it off and say that I was super conservative and roll her eyes at me, but I asked her if she was raised that way and what would her parents have thought. I also asked if she was so sure it was normal, she should ask her friends. She kind of got quiet and I think was imagining what her friends would say, so at least I think she now believes it wasn't acceptable. At the time I doubt she even considered that it was inappropriate. Most or the craziness came from her part in trying to be the "cool" mom. It's a miracle I never got into drugs.

I'm just tired if her talking about my upbringing like she was the perfect parent. Sorry for the crazy rant. So irritated.

Mind games are the only way she can handle her guilt.

Yikes. Are you still speaking to your dad? Is he a pedophile?

I ... didn't even know there WERE see-through panties for 10 yr olds. Were you one of those Bigger Girls like the size of a 14 yr old or something?

Whoa

was talking to mom about visiting in-laws. in-laws currently having some family drama, not going to go into it, petty stuff. mom puts in her two cents and says that i should try to talk to BIL privately first so that when i talk to his wife i already have his side and blah blah blah. (not getting involved, not my business) FWIW she found out about the drama at a recent picnic because she was in a group where they were talking about it, not from me or from anyone directly asking her to be involved.

try to explain to mom that their issues are private and if they want my opinion they will ask me.

she says, "well aren't you glad we don't have any family drama or any skeletons in the closet? i'm so happy we have a normal happy family."

conveniently ignoring the completely inappropriate things that happened while i was growing up. like buying me see-through panties when i was 10 and having me model them for my father. or the rows of penthouse and playboy magazines lining the bookshelves in his office. or telling me i dressed too conservatively my freshman year of high school and insisting on buying me what i can only call slutty clothes. etc etc.

we have discussed these issues so many times and i have sought counseling but when things come up in my in-laws family or with her friends' families she forgets or completely ignores the issues we have which are soooooo much bigger. when reminded of these issues, she insists we have already talked about that and yea, yea, but have you talked to your BIL?

so over this.... nothing i can do but hang up the phone.