Anonymous wrote:OP here: I think the exercise analogy is a good one. I don't think she is playing mind games. On the other hand, she manages to exercise 3-4x per week on her own initiative. I'd love to have that kind of success!

If she wasn't exercising 3-4 times a week (and presumably keeping in good shape), would you be as interested in having sex with her?

Anonymous wrote:Who knows what the story is with your wife OP, but the answer to your Q for me is "no." It's about the activationenergy. it takes more to get me interested. once I am turned on I enjoy it, but it's getting there that seems to be harder for me than DH/men in general. I agree with PPs that it's harder to tune out the other things going on. Once they are tuned out, it's on...

Part of the problem is me & supplying the activation energy. Like I said in the initial post, I heard loud in clear during my high school and college years that "no means no." I have trouble distinguishing "no" from "try harder." So, if I hit resistance, I'm more likely to just leave her alone.

Who knows what the story is with your wife OP, but the answer to your Q for me is "no." It's about the activationenergy. it takes more to get me interested. once I am turned on I enjoy it, but it's getting there that seems to be harder for me than DH/men in general. I agree with PPs that it's harder to tune out the other things going on. Once they are tuned out, it's on...

OP here: I think the exercise analogy is a good one. I don't think she is playing mind games. On the other hand, she manages to exercise 3-4x per week on her own initiative. I'd love to have that kind of success!

I'm lost - what is this sex thing you all are discussing?

OP, just because the sex was ultimately enjoyable (assuming she isn't faking) doesn't mean it was something she wanted to do. So, no, I don't think she's playing mind games with you; it's just not as high a priority for her.

Agree with other PPs. I'm just really tired.

But I love DH enough that if he initiates, I will at least pretend to have a good time (or actually get into it if I'm not too tired) because I think intimacy is important and I don't want him to feel bad.

no. it's b/c i'm tired. but like exercise i'm glad i did it once we do. I'm not trying to be good or feel chased. I have a baby and a tot and I'm thinking damn i haven't shaved, showered, or slept in day and this is one more thing on my list. But you know what it feels great after/during!

Sometimes I just want to be separate. It takes a lot of emotional energy to engage in sex. So just because I might feel aroused doesn't mean I want to have sex.

I definitely do not pretend to lack interest. I am interested more often than we do it, but that's a function of a lot of things, so I don't always act on my interest, but I never pretend to be disinterested when I actually want it. I can't imagine playing those kinds of games in a marriage and if DH tried that with me, I'd find it really upsetting.

No. When I do that it's because I'm exhausted. And that's 90% of the time. I need sleep more than sex. But if he initiates I have sex and do my best to get into it. So it ends up being fun.

But I lose out on yet another hour of sleep!

No, it societal pressure that bathrooms should be cleaned and clothes should be washed and food should be cooked and mortgages need to be paid.

My world would fall apart if I said yes ever time if wanted to...

Have sex, sleep in, drink too much, etc.

No, if anything, it's the opposite. When DH initiates I really make an effort to seem into it. And I try to initiate at least once a week or so, just so he won't feel like it's always his idea.

Like your DW, I enjoy sex when we have it. It's just relatively low on my list of priorities in life.

It's not that they feel pressure to pretend to dislike sex. It's that by forcing you to initiate every time, she is using you to validate that she is attractive. It's an ego thing.

IMO, once you're in an LTR, this sort of thing is a turn-off

Sometimes when I try to initiate sex, my wife acts like I'm kind of a nuisance and a horn dog, but when we go ahead and have sex in these situations, she seems to enjoy it every bit as much as I do.

It seems like there are societal pressures on women not to advertise that they're interested in sex -- so as not to be labeled as a slut or because good girls don't do that or whatever. I think my wife has internalized some of that and has a default resistance built in. Any of the dcum wives out there have a "default no" even if you'd kind of like to have sex?

Now, don't get me wrong -- sometimes she's just completely not into it and my advances are not well received. And, other times, my advances are enthusiastically received. But, generally it's in this middle ground. And, at times, the "no means no" I've internalized and her sort of "default no" probably results in us not having sex when we both would have enjoyed it.