Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you need to have a conversation about you being a SAHM. This isn't something you can just decide on your own. I would have a serious talk about the future- timeline for going back, how chores will get done, etc. is he having problems at work? Is money getting tight?

I'm not a SAHM. I work part time and my hours will increase in a few months. Still part time though. Money is not and never has been tight - he makes well over $200k. I make a tiny fraction of that - $18k.

It sounds like you need to have a conversation about you being a SAHM. This isn't something you can just decide on your own. I would have a serious talk about the future- timeline for going back, how chores will get done, etc. is he having problems at work? Is money getting tight?

oops, 22:39 and 22:54 is me.

I know, I know. Stay calm under ALL circumstances. It will give you great power. Pretend you're a lawyer in court or something. Don't show him you're weak during this difficult period.
Tell him what he can't see himself - that he's taking out his stress out on you. That you are not responsible for his general discontentment with life. That you refuse to discuss anything unless he can be polite and stay on topic instead of throwing around accusations and generalizations.
Basically, teach him elementary rules of communication.

PP here - just read your follow-up.

Please do NOT let him get away with treating you this badly, it will only get worse if you retreat in silence.
Hopefully this is a one-off, however...

You must tell him, tonight or tomorrow, that respect is the basis of all positive communication, and that you cannot live happily with him if he continues to disrespect you.

Do not lift a finger for him until he comes to his senses. Do not go on as if nothing has happened. Remind him once every day that you are waiting for an apology for his rant. You can start by apologizing to him for losing your temper, because you did, even though it was under provocation.

I've been there, OP, and it sucks. Early years of parenting can be tough.
Finally I figured out that I had to stand my ground in a very dignified way. Willpower is key - you have to be stronger than him. Time is even more important. Time will show your husband what you have accomplished with your child. How polite and clever and well-read she is (or whatever floats his and your boat!). It's only after DC1 entered K that DH finally acknowledged how much work I had put into his early years - he has special needs, and needed so much therapy as a baby. Now DH sings my praises to his mother on the phone - hard to believe after the rocky years we had!

Stay strong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAH parent? If he was the nanny, would he be fired? What a stupid comment.

Why do you say it's his fault for not forcing you to do CIO? Aren't you both to blame for that? "Permanently damaged"? You sound a little unhinged there.

Why is he so grumpy and critical? Is this new for him or par for the course?

OP again....I was unclear. The first message was what he told me. That he should have put his foot down about doing CIO. He thinks she will suffer from damage by having slept by her mom for the past 3 years (on and off).

I work part time - 2 hours a day. Other than that, I am home with DD. He said he would fire me if I was the nanny.

He is always critical..forever Monday morning quarterbacking. Also now blames me for buying the house that we did, saying that the hour door to door is too much for him. We bought the house 7 fucking years ago.

It sounds to me that by letting your daughter co-sleep, he feel rejected by you.

OP again.last clarification - I have planned 4 separate date nights and he has cancelled each and every single one of them. But then proceeds to tell me that I don't put any effort into us.

Anonymous wrote:
Then you put your foot down and tell him you refuse to be treated in this disrespectful way. No discussion unless he apologizes for the nanny comment, and talks to you in a constructive manner, instead of laying all the blame on you.

Model respectful communication. Remain calm and collected, no emotion. Which does not prevent you from replying acidly to his little power trips.

BTW: DC2 is 4 and has only just started sleeping through the night in her own room! I co-slept with her and nursed her to sleep until she was 2.5, and do not regret it.
DH also used to forced DC1 to eat - he's backed off now with DC2. Sometimes it takes a few years to iron out parenting differences. In the meantime, stick to what you believe is right.

OP again.....I tried. I really tried to remain calm and unemotional. It is hard after being told for 2 hours that you suck as a person and a parent. When I told him that I tried CIO once and I couldn't handle it, I was blamed for doing it while he wasn't there (he traveled extensively when DD was first born). I said but I asked for help at night and was told that because he worked long hours I wasn't allowed to ask for help at night. That he needs uninterrupted sleep. And since I didn't have to work (maternity leave at the time), I had to do all the night stuff - including on the weekends.

If there's one thing that really gets under my skin, is when he tells me what I think or believe. He says, " well you think its normal for a couple to put themselves on hold while they have a young child".....BUT I NEVER SAID THAT! Stop putting words in my mouth. So I got upset and said fucking stop. At which point I was told that I was further damaging my (sleeping) child because who knows if she heard that through her (sound machine running) room.

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAH parent? If he was the nanny, would he be fired? What a stupid comment.

Why do you say it's his fault for not forcing you to do CIO? Aren't you both to blame for that? "Permanently damaged"? You sound a little unhinged there.

Why is he so grumpy and critical? Is this new for him or par for the course?

OP again....I was unclear. The first message was what he told me. That he should have put his foot down about doing CIO. He thinks she will suffer from damage by having slept by her mom for the past 3 years (on and off).

I work part time - 2 hours a day. Other than that, I am home with DD. He said he would fire me if I was the nanny.

He is always critical..forever Monday morning quarterbacking. Also now blames me for buying the house that we did, saying that the hour door to door is too much for him. We bought the house 7 fucking years ago.

Then you put your foot down and tell him you refuse to be treated in this disrespectful way. No discussion unless he apologizes for the nanny comment, and talks to you in a constructive manner, instead of laying all the blame on you.

Model respectful communication. Remain calm and collected, no emotion. Which does not prevent you from replying acidly to his little power trips.

BTW: DC2 is 4 and has only just started sleeping through the night in her own room! I co-slept with her and nursed her to sleep until she was 2.5, and do not regret it.
DH also used to forced DC1 to eat - he's backed off now with DC2. Sometimes it takes a few years to iron out parenting differences. In the meantime, stick to what you believe is right.

OP here. Sorry. I wrote in a hurry. For the first time in ages, we had time to sit and talk. DD had been sick for a while so I was constantly going in to soothe her or keep her from throwing up (or cleaning up).

The conversation turned ugly quickly and for the next 2 hours, he went on to tell me how poorly he thinks of me and how I am a bad parent. That he (conveniently) doesn't remember our conversation prior to marriage where I told him that having kids eat meat was a deal breaker or that I wanted to stay home for a few years before they went to school or that i wanted more than 1 child.

He told me that he doesn't think I do enough with her - that I just sit around all day. That if I was the nanny, I would have been fired long ago.

He pokes and prods and then admonishes me for losing my cool. When I said "fucking stop" because he was telling me for the 10th time what I believe, I was called emotionally unstable, immature and always crying to get what I want. He flat out told me that he thought the only reason I wanted to have another kid is so that I don't have to work. (Not true). When I told him that's not right - he shrugged and said, I don't believe you. You will come back to me and say, "I changed my mind."

And after being told over and over that I never do anything to build our relationship or put "us" first, he told me to cancel the 4th date night I had planned because he had no interest in spending time with me. Wtf?

Are you a SAH parent? If he was the nanny, would he be fired? What a stupid comment.

Why do you say it's his fault for not forcing you to do CIO? Aren't you both to blame for that? "Permanently damaged"? You sound a little unhinged there.

Why is he so grumpy and critical? Is this new for him or par for the course?

Drink one glass of water for each glass of wine you have tonight, and explain more.

He is upset you as a family didn't do CIO?
He makes her eat meat and you don't agree with it?

I'm not sure I understand

What the heck did he say? If this is a transcript then yes, he is a prick.

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. What going on?

What's

I'm so sorry, OP. What going on?

Everything is my fault. He has no personal responsibility for anything. His biggest fault was not forcing us to do CIO with DD as now she is 3 and still unable to sleep through the night in her own room and thus will be permanently damaged. He will force her to eat meat (she doesn't do so now) despite her not wanting it. He thinks I don't do enough with her. That if I was the nanny, he would have fired me.

What a fucking prick.