Anonymous wrote:Figuring out the reason is not going to help you handle it. Bad behavior is bad behavior no matter what, and your MIL's psychological issues are hers to figure out how to handle.

Be kind, but don't go overboard. You will likely never have a good, easy relationship with her. Maintain reasonable boundaries so you can have a relationship with her at all.

I actually disagree with the first part. Sometimes figuring out why people act in an unpleasant manner goes a long way towards feeling empathy for them, which in turn helps you deal with them. It doesn't solve the problem, bc they will still act like a pill, but knowing why can help you avoid triggers that make it worse. Just because you understand where the bad manners come from doesn't excuse them, you still need boundaries. But it might help with the urge you feel to avoid this person entirely. Set boundaries, enforce, tolerate her with a bit of empathy.

My MIL is tough too, and I spend a lot of time trying to figure out why. I will probably never totally understand it and that's ok. But it does help me see her as a person who just wants to be loved, even if she's a pain in the ass.

Figuring out the reason is not going to help you handle it. Bad behavior is bad behavior no matter what, and your MIL's psychological issues are hers to figure out how to handle.

Be kind, but don't go overboard. You will likely never have a good, easy relationship with her. Maintain reasonable boundaries so you can have a relationship with her at all.

OP, where is DH in all of this? Does he act the same way? Does he let her poor behavior slide?

You two should be a united front, and he should be the one to deal with her. If he can't, then you should do it.

If her behavior bothers you, especially around your kids, then it's perfectly fine to be in charge of the situations. As one PP mentioned, always have an escape plan, and be sure that you can get out of whatever it is. Better yet, when you make your plans to get together, tell her you have x amount of time and then you have to go somewhere else. She doesn't need to know where that is, and you don't have to tell her. It can be nowhere! But it is a good way to not feel like you have to spend the whole day with her.

"handle her" ?

This is the problem - this is not your problem. You are making it a reflection on you.

Don't worry so much about what your children are exposed to - they will learn this is Grandma. It is what it is.

Now when you're with her or talking on the phone with her you will always need an escape route. Be able to leave the room (with children) if MIL gets to be too much. No drama, just excuse yourself.

Stop looking for explanations. Deal with the now for what it is. No trying to change her. And you can't be disappointed either or mad that she doesn't meet your expectations of a MIL or a Grandmother.

Don't allow any of "her feelings" be used to manipulate you.

Can you plan very directly for her involvement in her granchildrens lives in a way that makes it clear she is valued, and focuses on something special that can be "her thing" with the kids, but that also lets you have some control over the dynamics and relationship?

For instance, can you let her know that you want to make sure she sees the kids at least X times a year, and is included in special occasions (and you could even try to map those out early so she can get things on her calendar).

Is there something she knows how to do or really enjoys that she can share with your child? Knitting? Theater? History? A language? Cooking? Etc... Find something that honors her and would be fun for your child, and plan to support that kind of involvement.

Then you can occasionally say no to something more easily, and/or control the type of interaction.

Good luck. It doesn't sound like the kind of dynamic you can change, but maybe you can figure our work-arounds that can be framed as ensuring her involvement wiithout it being a nightmare.

I am dealing with this too. I don't have a ton of background on why MIL is this way, but it's typical in Jewish tradition to name a baby after a deceased grandparent or great-grandparent and recently she told us never to name our child after her mother. So, that relationship had to have been real bad (DH loved his grandmother and was saddened about this). Also, MIL and FIL divorced when DH was about 10 and she raised 2 boys alone and never finished her education, is poor, etc.

I know all these things, yet still have trouble empathizing. Sigh.

I think you should care less about how your MIL feels. By that I mean if you can detach and not react to her provocations then not only will you feel better but maybe she'll provoke you less. Your emotions are probably feeding her emotions.

Thank you. This helps a lot. The de-escalation technique especially.

Someone who has no filter, who is over the top, and who lies and distorts is pretty hard to deal with. One thing that's helpful is to step back from her behavior and refuse to personalize it.

One reason I get annoyed when my mother makes "non-filtered" remarks is that I feel they reflect on me. I have to remind myself that she is the one making them. They are on her, not me. The world is not judging you for her remarks, OP.

I can also tell you that the more annoyed and judgy you are, OP, the harder it will be for your MIL to be truthful and the more desperate and over the top her attempts to please you with distortions and unfiltered stupid remarks. This creates a vicious cycle. You get annoyed by the remarks, and the remarks escalate as she becomes more desperate to win you over.

Try to step back and de-escalate. You are not responsible for her over the top behavior and it's not a reflection on you. Feel sorry for the little girl inside of her who was so desperate to please her abusive parents that she tried anything, including lying and strange behavior. to please them. It's a sad story.

MIL is a "character" to say the least. She has a big personality and is desperate to be lived and accepted by everyone to the point where if she thinks she has displeased you she will lie through her teeth to try to mend the situation. Her family means everything to her and she lives in constant fear that we will cut off contact between her and her only grandchild. She has, as my high school math teacher would say, "diarrhea of the mouth" and does not ever think before she speaks. She is constantly offending people with well intentioned criticism (comments on weight, fashion sense, education, wealth).

I knew she had a tough childhood but now that her mother (DH's grandmother) is dying, DH revealed more of the story to me. Evidently her father was a schizophrenic and she was physically and emotionally abused by both parents. I don't know much about psychology but I'm guessing her constant demands for attention and love may stem from her difficult childhood. Obviously her behavior makes me crazy, but I'm trying to be more sympathetic and understanding. I feel like if I can just figure out why she behaves the way she does maybe I can figure out a way to handle her behavior without getting so annoyed. My parents always had great relationships with their in laws and I don't want my child to see the tension I feel when MIL is around. I don't think she means any harm and I know she loves her grandchild more than anything so I would like to work on a more cordial relationship, which means finding ways to accept what I can't change about her.