Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who do you have boundary issues with? Birth family or everyone? Do you know your triggers?

OP here, I think, in moments, I have boundary issues with people who are close to me in in proximity but not otherwise. For example, I have had serious issues with nannies and housecleaners. It is kind of ridiculous. But I find these tough to manage because they are in so many intimate spaces of my life, and yet.... should be more at arms distance.

So you are becoming best buds with them? Bailing them out financially? Letting them be habitually late, etc. Because you understand why? That type of thing? If so, I do think at the root of your overstepping boundaries is a self worth issue. At least that's what I see in my family. That would have to be addressed at its core.

Some thoughts here:
http://www.jsc.edu/StudentLife/CounselingServices/documents/Developing-Healthy-Boundaries.pdf

Anonymous wrote:Who do you have boundary issues with? Birth family or everyone? Do you know your triggers?

OP here, I think, in moments, I have boundary issues with people who are close to me in in proximity but not otherwise. For example, I have had serious issues with nannies and housecleaners. It is kind of ridiculous. But I find these tough to manage because they are in so many intimate spaces of my life, and yet.... should be more at arms distance.

in the past I just didn't know how to moderate anything. I overworked, was overly generous, overcommitted myself, overdrank, overate, (though was young enough that it never showed in my physique or appearance) til I felt nothing but emptiness. I was here as a transplant due to a relationship, and when that relationship failed, as it should have, my whole world melted. I had intense anxiety and went to the doctor because of heart palpitations. He told me it was due to anxiety, and sent me to a therapist. From there, she held up the mirror, helped me to see things in a different light and make new life choices. So previously I had just been on this downhill slope, and with the help of the therapist, my life really turned around over the course of about three years.

Every now and then I get glimpses of who I used to be in these moments where things go seriously awry. Maybe since they are serious times, I should just let it be, but I'd like to even try to maintain more sense of stability in those moments.

I appreciate the little Buddha post, that is a cool website.

Who do you have boundary issues with? Birth family or everyone? Do you know your triggers?

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-3-crucial-first-steps/

grew up in a crazy environment where there was a lot of manipulation and lack of boundaries /respect all over the map. bad bad divorce, BPD mother who was abused as a child, narcissist father and very insecure stepmother (who turns out is not nearly as bad as some of the stepmothers I read about on here!)

as I have grown, I have developed some basic skills in setting boundaries to protect myself from others who might seek to take advantage. proud of myself, have come a long way, but still have a lot of work to do. therapy has helped.

I am still struggling however, to create a more reasonable set of boundaries for myself as others experience me in certain contexts. for example, when things get crazy, as they will in life here and there, whether it is a particularly tough time at work (as in, getting laid off, or once in a 3 yr tough spell, not every month troubles) , a death, dealing with a child's injury, I get melodramatic and can be overly emotional. in other settings, when I am seriously, seriously annoyed, I will overshare with others, leaving them feeling like my therapists. Or worse, rant at someone.

When things get rocky, I lose my sense of an anchor, I bleed out over edges easily, and don't know how to reel myself in, in these settings. generally speaking, however, I am more even keeled, and so when this happens, it really throws others for a loop. I used to be more like this overall, but as I mentioned earlier, therapy has helped me let go and move on.

this isn't cool and I need to stop. how do I do it? I know this is a question for my therapist but I am hoping to get some recommendations on books or other resources to do some advance groundwork on my own and get a diversity of opinions.

this may be too open ended of a question, but I thought I would try.

thanks in advance for any suggestions.