Anonymous wrote:
Of course you're not awful, and naturally you are feeling confused and ambivalent about your role here.

It took 18 months for DH to find new job. He took his own sweet time trawling for job interviews, sending his resume, etc. I too hesitated between nagging him to work a little harder, and leaving him alone. Resentment accumulated because during that time he didn't lift a finger in the house (no cooking, cleaning or anything).

It's difficult. I would sit him down and organize some sort of schedule - he has to exercise (great for warding off depression), work for X amount of time a day, take any networking opportunity available, and then he can watch TV.

If my spouse tried to impose some sort of schedule like you are suggesting, we would have major problems.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I apologized. I am more stressed out about this than he is (I grew up in poverty and worry a lot about money).

My logic was we'd save a little money and avoid some distractions, but apparently this logic is flawed.

He is a great father. This all happened a couple weeks ago and today, for the first time, tensions rose to the surface. I feel terrible, yet also wish he'd operate with more urgency.

Emphasis mine.

Good that you apologized. As for the bolded, what are you going to give up to reduce costs? Does it have to be something he enjoys, right now that he's been dealt a crap hand? I suggest you brainstorm together and find a solution that is agreeable to both, while leaving some things each of you enjoys on the budget - within reasons.

Also, in your original post, you didn't seem to come from a thought-pattern of frugality at all. You even used the word "grounded". He's not a child who gave you sass, for heaven's sake.

And you won't save a whole lot of money if you still need internet, which you do, for job searching. But networking is the way to go. He should have a networking goal for each soccer goal!
signed, bitter person who cut out the cable but still pays too much just for internet! I miss sports!

Of course you're not awful, and naturally you are feeling confused and ambivalent about your role here.

It took 18 months for DH to find new job. He took his own sweet time trawling for job interviews, sending his resume, etc. I too hesitated between nagging him to work a little harder, and leaving him alone. Resentment accumulated because during that time he didn't lift a finger in the house (no cooking, cleaning or anything).

It's difficult. I would sit him down and organize some sort of schedule - he has to exercise (great for warding off depression), work for X amount of time a day, take any networking opportunity available, and then he can watch TV.

I was unemployed for longer than I wanted to be after a layoff. There reaches a point where there aren't anymore jobs to apply for, and no one else to easily network with. You hit a wall sometimes and have to take a break. You can't search 24-7 - you'll drive your self crazy. It's ok to still like soccer while unemployed. You need to keep the parts of yourself that make you feel normal.

That said, if it's a choice between cable tv and food on the table, you do what you have to do. But there are usually lots of places you can start making cuts. For us it was chidcare and things like eating out. We still did family activities but packed our lunch. We were more careful when buying groceries. You might want to switch from cable to roku or something similar.

Your original post says nothing about wanting to save money. Only that you think he is wasting time and that you should ground him. So which is it? Is this a money concern, in which case you should sit down with him and come up with a workable budget, or just you being controlling and domineering?

Anonymous wrote:I apologized. I am more stressed out about this than he is (I grew up in poverty and worry a lot about money).

My logic was we'd save a little money and avoid some distractions, but apparently this logic is flawed.

He is a great father. This all happened a couple weeks ago and today, for the first time, tensions rose to the surface. I feel terrible, yet also wish he'd operate with more urgency.

Emphasis mine.

Good that you apologized. As for the bolded, what are you going to give up to reduce costs? Does it have to be something he enjoys, right now that he's been dealt a crap hand? I suggest you brainstorm together and find a solution that is agreeable to both, while leaving some things each of you enjoys on the budget - within reasons.

Also, in your original post, you didn't seem to come from a thought-pattern of frugality at all. You even used the word "grounded". He's not a child who gave you sass, for heaven's sake.

I understand you are upset, and rightly so. This is so scary and stressful especially since it sounds like you have a lot to do with an infant. My husband is a defense contractor and even though I work we need both of our incomes and are building up as big a cushion of savings as we can in case he gets let go.

First inclination is always to cancel everything -- cable, phones, internet, clip coupons and eat nothing but beans and rice. And, maybe it's valid to trim where you can.

BUT, having been unemployed myself back when the dot-com bubble burst, you can only do so much job searching on any given day. Peruse websites, send resumes, make phone calls, schedule coffee or lunch with friends/contacts who may have leads. However, it isn't a 40hr/wk thing because at some point you are waiting on responses on those things. I made myself work hard at it for at least 4hrs every weekday and then used the rest of that time for me. Now, I didn't have kids and wasn't married so my reality was a little different.

Losing his job is traumatic for him and he definitely needs time to chill, de-stress and simply cope with what has happened. If finances require it, then cancel cable but otherwise this sounds like it might be a good outlet for him. Remember you are a team in this and will come through it.

Good luck.

I think it is totally legit to cancel cable till he gets a job. Now is the time to cut costs.

I don't think you should be telling him he has to be applying for jobs on the wknd though. He's not a kid.

I apologized. I am more stressed out about this than he is (I grew up in poverty and worry a lot about money).

My logic was we'd save a little money and avoid some distractions, but apparently this logic is flawed.

He is a great father. This all happened a couple weeks ago and today, for the first time, tensions rose to the surface. I feel terrible, yet also wish he'd operate with more urgency.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want to punish him because he got fired for taking leave after you guys had a baby? You're awful. Blame his boss, not him.

This. He dealt with a premature child, and he's obviously an engaged dad since he jeopardized his job to take care of your preemie. He is dealing with being fired from his job for no fault of his. He needs a break and he deserves to get some slack. He can't be applying for jobs every waking minute of his day. What the hell is wrong with you, that you talk about "grounding" him instead of cheering him on?

Yes, exactly! OP, apologize. Let your DH enjoy some damn soccer. You're talking about canceling cable out of spite not penny pinching.

Anonymous wrote:You want to punish him because he got fired for taking leave after you guys had a baby? You're awful. Blame his boss, not him.

This. He dealt with a premature child, and he's obviously an engaged dad since he jeopardized his job to take care of your preemie. He is dealing with being fired from his job for no fault of his. He needs a break and he deserves to get some slack. He can't be applying for jobs every waking minute of his day. What the hell is wrong with you, that you talk about "grounding" him instead of cheering him on?

Anonymous wrote:DH is a hard worker and a good person, but was just let go from his job. (I suspect it's because he took leave for a month after our preemie was born. DS is now 3 months old.) DH also loves soccer and is very excited for the World Cup.

Today I got on his back for watching soccer instead of applying for jobs. He told me to stop nagging and stormed out of the room. I feel bad.

Is it ridiculous of me to want to cancel cable until he finds a job? He is going to be glued to ESPN for the next month otherwise. I'm his wife, but feel the need to "ground" him until he has something lined up. Is this wrong of me?

I work, but we definitely need 2 incomes to stay afloat.

No, it is not ridiculous at all if you'd be fine with him canceling your cable when you're fired.

You want to punish him because he got fired for taking leave after you guys had a baby? You're awful. Blame his boss, not him.

Yes, it is ridiculous. He is your spouse, not your child.

DH is a hard worker and a good person, but was just let go from his job. (I suspect it's because he took leave for a month after our preemie was born. DS is now 3 months old.) DH also loves soccer and is very excited for the World Cup.

Today I got on his back for watching soccer instead of applying for jobs. He told me to stop nagging and stormed out of the room. I feel bad.

Is it ridiculous of me to want to cancel cable until he finds a job? He is going to be glued to ESPN for the next month otherwise. I'm his wife, but feel the need to "ground" him until he has something lined up. Is this wrong of me?

I work, but we definitely need 2 incomes to stay afloat.