I agree with everyone saying don't allow the visit when DH is unavailable.

I'll go a little farther - you and DH need to make some decisions about how to handle this more proactively.

"Mom, we need you to respect our house rules when you're here, the same way we require the kids to respect them. We need your help in teaching them how to be good people so no swearing, keep an eye on them for safety issues, don't teach them things we're trying to prevent etc... Can you be on our team with this? If not then we need to limit your visits."

You and he need to be a united front, and you need to put your nuclear family's culture, comfort and values first.

I've been there. It's a tough battle but if you and he are on the same page, and if he is willing/able to stand up to his mother, then you can change this dynamic in time - even if the primary change is greatly reduced visits.

Good luck.

Agree with the others. He needs to be there or the visit gets canceled and hopefully never rescheduled.

My H did this to me exactly once - when I had a 6 week old and his parents came "to help." Never ever ever ever again. Actually, that visit was the tipping point in how I deal with my ILs.

Anonymous wrote:DH cannot pass this off on you. F- that!!!

+1

IF HE won't call and cancel, YOU do it and tell her it's because he has to work and will need to reschedule. Then leave it up to HIM (and she will bug HIM about his schedule.)

Anonymous wrote:Tell DH that if he can't be there, you're calling MIL to cancel the visit and leaving it up to DH to reschedule it for a time he can be there.

Period, end of story.

Be very clear that it is far better to reschedule than leave you in a position where you're likely to end up in a terrible blow-out with his mom. It's for the long-term good of the relationship that you re-schedule.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Tell DH that if he can't be there, you're calling MIL to cancel the visit and leaving it up to DH to reschedule it for a time he can be there.

Period, end of story.

Be very clear that it is far better to reschedule than leave you in a position where you're likely to end up in a terrible blow-out with his mom. It's for the long-term good of the relationship that you re-schedule.

For sure. My husband did this exactly once and I was miserable. Put an end to it now or you will be doing it for years to come.

Anonymous wrote:Tell DH that if he can't be there, you're calling MIL to cancel the visit and leaving it up to DH to reschedule it for a time he can be there.

Period, end of story.

Be very clear that it is far better to reschedule than leave you in a position where you're likely to end up in a terrible blow-out with his mom. It's for the long-term good of the relationship that you re-schedule.

Agree with this. Your husband needs to be there to deal with his mother. Period.

My grandmother is bat-shit crazy, and she had three sons. I saw how my uncles used my aunts as human shields to buffer themselves from their crazy mom. Lucky for them, my aunts were both saints, but they went WAY above and beyond by doing the heavy lifting of dealing with their MIL. Just Say NO, OP!!!

1. Reschedule the trip because she won't get to see her son at all. If that won't work ...
2. Get out of the house. Full, long day trips outside of the house. You eat breakfast and go, and only come back in time to meet DH for dinner. Being in public will make things better. Or ..
3. Put the kids in camp!
4. When going out of the house, arrange to meet up with friends. You'll feel better having an audience for The Crazy.
5. Do not leave her to parent your kids. You want to think she's an adult, so you can relax, but you need to admit to yourself this is not the case. Be blunt with your kids. "Aidan just because Grandma does something wrong it doesn't mean you can too. I WILL punish you if you say that one more time." Then do it. When she objects and says they're just having fun tell her "Alluding to cursing is not the type of fun my kids are allowed to have. If you want to have fun with them, there's sidewalk chalk and bubbles."

DH cannot pass this off on you. F- that!!!

Tell DH that if he can't be there, you're calling MIL to cancel the visit and leaving it up to DH to reschedule it for a time he can be there.

Period, end of story.

Be very clear that it is far better to reschedule than leave you in a position where you're likely to end up in a terrible blow-out with his mom. It's for the long-term good of the relationship that you re-schedule.

Can you reschedule her visit for a time when DH can't weasel out of it? Or go to her hometown instead (and stay in a hotel)?

So my MIL and I are 2 VERY different people. Honestly we have next to nothing in common. I grin and bear it when she is here visiting but it is painful. Not only because we have nothing in common; but also, because she brings out the worst in my kids. She acts like a child herself, but not in a good playful way...in a bad influence way. Last time she taught my six year old to say "What the..." when things go wrong. She left off the final word, but I would rather my son not saying that at school...since we all know what comes next. She kept doing it too (even when we asked her to stop) because she thinks it is funny. She also sticks her tongue out all the time, swears, and tells them stories that are inappropriate for their ages, etc. You get my drift. Those are only a few small examples, but it is constant. Not to mention the fact that she gives virtually no regard to their safety because she is too busy being "cool."

Anyway, I deal with it because I have to.

Today, my husband tells me that he will be working during her next visit, so I will have the honor of entertaining her the whole time. Keep in mind this woman will not lift a finger to help with anything. So, I am left with her and my 3 kids. I am so frustrated. At the very least, he could be there to help out, and this is not the first time he has pawned her off on me.

Just anticipating her visit makes me feel serious anxiety (chest pains, etc), let alone when she is here. I wonder how those of you in similar situations cope with that feeling of dread and anxiety. I know it is unhealthy, and I should just grin and bear it, but I am finding it harder to do that. I can't just stay away from her either, because the kids get hurt virtually every time she comes because she just doesn't watch AT ALL. It is not like I expect her to helicopter either. Just normal stuff. Like it is probably not a good idea for a 2 year old to climb onto the top of a refrigerator and be left there... Time feels like an eternity when she is here, and I feel so suffocated. Any ways you guys cope?