Anonymous
06/05/2014 03:06
Subject: My MIL is just awful to be with, but DH wants her to be part of our family life
Address the comments she makes that are truly unacceptable. Don't address your negative feelings about her, how much you despise her, how awful she is generally, and how much you want her out of your lives. Take it as a given that this woman is going to be a part of your family forever. Because she is. You are not going to get an ally in her son about how much you dislike her.
You need to open a dialogue with your DH that goes along the lines of "I accept that Mamma Larla is a member of our family, and I understand that. Given that fact, I'd like to establish some boundaries. I don't think it's acceptable for her to make fun of children. I'd like to ask her to stop that."
Concentrate on a specific behavior you want to stop, not on opening a dialogue on her awfulness.
You need to open a dialogue with your DH that goes along the lines of "I accept that Mamma Larla is a member of our family, and I understand that. Given that fact, I'd like to establish some boundaries. I don't think it's acceptable for her to make fun of children. I'd like to ask her to stop that."
Concentrate on a specific behavior you want to stop, not on opening a dialogue on her awfulness.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 22:55
Subject: My MIL is just awful to be with, but DH wants her to be part of our family life
OP - she's the woman that raised the husband you love, and honestly, while the example you gave certainly does paint her in a bad light, it's not like she's abusive, neglectful, alcoholic, etc. She wants to be involved in her son's life and with her grandchildren, and it sounds like she's trying to embrace you. If your DH isn't supportive and all his friends are shocked by your assessment, it sounds like it's time to be a little reflective and ask if maybe you're judging her too harshly? You don't have to be besties, but bad mouthing her to your DH sounds like it's going to end up just hurting your DH ...
Anonymous
06/04/2014 22:53
Subject: My MIL is just awful to be with, but DH wants her to be part of our family life
"She and I" went to the museum ... good luck dealing with her, though, you will just have to set limits and pick your spots...
Anonymous
06/04/2014 22:50
Subject: My MIL is just awful to be with, but DH wants her to be part of our family life
You have my sympathy, OP. I don't agree with the people just dismissing it as her being old. Old people are still people, and to dismiss their bad behavior due to their age is doing them a disservice. I would say to still allow your children to have a relationship with their grandmother, but try to limit your contact with her to times when your husband is present. That way, when she's really bad you can just wander off and regain your sanity on your own.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 22:05
Subject: My MIL is just awful to be with, but DH wants her to be part of our family life
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the OP on the "MIL criticizes other kids" thread from a few days ago. I totally get where you're coming from, though my MIL does not have a sainted past to fall back on. The two main things I took to heart from my other post are 1) since I can't control her I need to minimize the time I spend with her in public places and 2) I need to find a way to tune her out when we are at home. The first one is pretty easy to manage but I haven't figured out the second one yet.
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I've done this successfully with my FIL and the comments he make. In the beginning I couldn't tune it out. But now, it's super easy. I just totally ignore whatever he says..almost like he's not in the room. I know, it's rude, but this is better than what I might say back to him.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 22:02
Subject: My MIL is just awful to be with, but DH wants her to be part of our family life
OP, I'm the OP on the "MIL criticizes other kids" thread from a few days ago. I totally get where you're coming from, though my MIL does not have a sainted past to fall back on. The two main things I took to heart from my other post are 1) since I can't control her I need to minimize the time I spend with her in public places and 2) I need to find a way to tune her out when we are at home. The first one is pretty easy to manage but I haven't figured out the second one yet.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 21:50
Subject: Re:My MIL is just awful to be with, but DH wants her to be part of our family life
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If this helps at all - she is old.
As will all of us be unless we die sooner.
Not something to bank on. In my family no woman dies before 90 so she could have 20+ years left
Anonymous
06/04/2014 21:44
Subject: My MIL is just awful to be with, but DH wants her to be part of our family life
Agree with the age, OP. My mom is the same. Just try to limit public situations together where she makes you feel uncomfortable. Or call her on it, politely of course.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 21:43
Subject: Re:My MIL is just awful to be with, but DH wants her to be part of our family life
Anonymous wrote:If this helps at all - she is old.
As will all of us be unless we die sooner.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 21:41
Subject: Re:My MIL is just awful to be with, but DH wants her to be part of our family life
If this helps at all - she is old.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 21:41
Subject: My MIL is just awful to be with, but DH wants her to be part of our family life
It's the age. Some old people say things they probably wouldn't if it weren't for their age...kinda like how kids will blurt anything out.
She's old. She won't last much longer. I, too, will suffer my ILs for the sake of my DH and kids to know their grandparents.
Just don't go out in public with her or invite other people over when she is there. That's what we do to avoid embarrassing situations.
She's old. She won't last much longer. I, too, will suffer my ILs for the sake of my DH and kids to know their grandparents.
Just don't go out in public with her or invite other people over when she is there. That's what we do to avoid embarrassing situations.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 21:37
Subject: Re:My MIL is just awful to be with, but DH wants her to be part of our family life
I wouldn't say a word. I don't enjoy spending time with my MIL either. If I don't make plans to see her, it doesn't happen. Periodically, my husband says something like, "we need to spend time with my mom!" I smile and nod and say, "Oh, yes!" And then I do nothing. We see her 4 times per year as a family. My husband maybe makes an effort to see her 2 more times and she lives 40 minutes away. Stop inviting her to anything as a treat. Never take her out in public. Don't complain about her to people who know her. That is what your girlfriends are for. Put a sock in it. What would you say if someone complained about your mom? Let your husband plan outings with her.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 21:35
Subject: Re:My MIL is just awful to be with, but DH wants her to be part of our family life
You married her son presumably knowing his mother's personality and nature.
Did you think that having married him you would not associate with his mother?
Did you think that having married him you would not associate with his mother?
Anonymous
06/04/2014 21:23
Subject: My MIL is just awful to be with, but DH wants her to be part of our family life
She raised a great son.
Yes, she deserves to have a relationship with her grand kids.
I would sit down with dh and say you want to slowly start being less involved in the visits. Maybe you see her once a month with the whole family, and HE can take the kids to the museum etc with his mom a couple other times a month.
Yes, she deserves to have a relationship with her grand kids.
I would sit down with dh and say you want to slowly start being less involved in the visits. Maybe you see her once a month with the whole family, and HE can take the kids to the museum etc with his mom a couple other times a month.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 21:15
Subject: My MIL is just awful to be with, but DH wants her to be part of our family life
I am married to this nice, generous, handsome man who I love, and we have 3 kids (13, 11, and 8). His father is dead, and his mother (my MIL) is currently 72 and living alone nearby.
Thing is, I absolutely despise this women. She is just awful to be around, and has a really grating personality. A few weeks ago, me and her brought the youngest two to the Air and Space museam just as a treat, and she would point out kids who were overweight and loudly comment on how unhealthy/ fat they were, with my DS and DD right there, listening (they are not overweight, I just think it is a bad example). I know for a fact several of these kids heard her comments, as they looked at us or reacted to it. I've never liked the women, but this was really just a breaking point.
The big problem is that whenever I say anything negative about the women, I get completely shut down. Apparently, before retiring, she had a long career in working with the homeless in DC, and before that worked abroad in the Middle East as a nurse and public health worker, which is what my husband always remarks on. If I talk to anyone who knows her (mostly my husband's friends who he grew up with) they are completely taken aback, and call her a saint because of what she dedicated her life to. Suddenly I am the bad person for disliking this women, who yes did a lot of good for a job, for being a complete jackass. It has gotten to the point where I do not want her around my kids, and I don't want to put on a smile and pretend to like her. Of course my DH thinks I've too harsh with her, and says that while she can be a bit insensitive, she deserves to have a relationship with her grandkids.
What should I do?
Thing is, I absolutely despise this women. She is just awful to be around, and has a really grating personality. A few weeks ago, me and her brought the youngest two to the Air and Space museam just as a treat, and she would point out kids who were overweight and loudly comment on how unhealthy/ fat they were, with my DS and DD right there, listening (they are not overweight, I just think it is a bad example). I know for a fact several of these kids heard her comments, as they looked at us or reacted to it. I've never liked the women, but this was really just a breaking point.
The big problem is that whenever I say anything negative about the women, I get completely shut down. Apparently, before retiring, she had a long career in working with the homeless in DC, and before that worked abroad in the Middle East as a nurse and public health worker, which is what my husband always remarks on. If I talk to anyone who knows her (mostly my husband's friends who he grew up with) they are completely taken aback, and call her a saint because of what she dedicated her life to. Suddenly I am the bad person for disliking this women, who yes did a lot of good for a job, for being a complete jackass. It has gotten to the point where I do not want her around my kids, and I don't want to put on a smile and pretend to like her. Of course my DH thinks I've too harsh with her, and says that while she can be a bit insensitive, she deserves to have a relationship with her grandkids.
What should I do?