Anonymous
06/04/2014 22:22
Subject: Ugh, my passive-aggressive parents
Anonymous wrote:Agree with permanent boundaries. And call them out when they break them. Deal with it then. Don't let it fester.
Yes, call them out on it or change your attitude about it and not let it bother you anymore.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 22:19
Subject: Ugh, my passive-aggressive parents
OP, you've been asked several times for examples. This thread is at a dead end without more specifics from you.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 21:34
Subject: Re:Ugh, my passive-aggressive parents
Without examples, you just sound like a drama queen with the constant references to boundaries that have not been properly observed. If it's big stuff, fine, but no one likes someone who thinks that, just because she's come of age, everyone has to follow her rules all the time.
Yep.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 20:08
Subject: Ugh, my passive-aggressive parents
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:So you have a training problem!
Repetition, consistency, clearly stated and acted upon reliable consequences.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
If they continue to willfully disregard then you ramp up the consequences and you choose not to resume the relationship, or you choose to resume on drastically reduced terms (clearly stating why).
At some point you get a strong message that they cannot or will not change. Then you have to make some decisions. Maybe you're already there.
OP here. Thank you, 15:47, you hit the nail on the head here. This is what they're doing now; it's not egregious (like showing up at our house uninvited--they live out of state so it's less possible than it is probable), but they're doing things that someone else might consider "little", but to me, pushing any boundary at all still requires the consequence relevant to the "crime", just as PP mentioned. It's not like they were horrible all my life and I'm looking for an excuse to cut them off; they were generally ok, but I only truly noticed their bad behavior when I established boundaries and held to them. Looking back, I realize they were always like this, but less combative because I used to give in. Now that I don't give in--and haven't for the last 5 years--I see the real them and it's just sad.
FWIW, DH is very supportive of me and sees how their actions hurt me (and early in our relationship their manipulation has hurt our marriage). He has always had really good boundaries so it's not a problem for him to enforce. He's supportive of my decisions with them and gives a good reality check whenever I'm inclined to waver on boundaries. Don't worry, we never do waver because a) I trust DH's instinct and b) I know what would happen if I did waver, and I never want to go there again.
Without examples, you just sound like a drama queen with the constant references to boundaries that have not been properly observed. If it's big stuff, fine, but no one likes someone who thinks that, just because she's come of age, everyone has to follow her rules all the time.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 20:03
Subject: Ugh, my passive-aggressive parents
Anonymous wrote:So you have a training problem!
Repetition, consistency, clearly stated and acted upon reliable consequences.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
If they continue to willfully disregard then you ramp up the consequences and you choose not to resume the relationship, or you choose to resume on drastically reduced terms (clearly stating why).
At some point you get a strong message that they cannot or will not change. Then you have to make some decisions. Maybe you're already there.
OP here. Thank you, 15:47, you hit the nail on the head here. This is what they're doing now; it's not egregious (like showing up at our house uninvited--they live out of state so it's less possible than it is probable), but they're doing things that someone else might consider "little", but to me, pushing any boundary at all still requires the consequence relevant to the "crime", just as PP mentioned. It's not like they were horrible all my life and I'm looking for an excuse to cut them off; they were generally ok, but I only truly noticed their bad behavior when I established boundaries and held to them. Looking back, I realize they were always like this, but less combative because I used to give in. Now that I don't give in--and haven't for the last 5 years--I see the real them and it's just sad.
FWIW, DH is very supportive of me and sees how their actions hurt me (and early in our relationship their manipulation has hurt our marriage). He has always had really good boundaries so it's not a problem for him to enforce. He's supportive of my decisions with them and gives a good reality check whenever I'm inclined to waver on boundaries. Don't worry, we never do waver because a) I trust DH's instinct and b) I know what would happen if I did waver, and I never want to go there again.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 15:58
Subject: Ugh, my passive-aggressive parents
OP, if they are not respecting the boundaries, then you DO NOT HAVE BOUNDARIES!
What you have is stated preferences which your parents knkw they can ignore for periods of time, after which they will be put in a time out, then allowed to repeat the cycle.
Boundaries include you calling them on infractions every single time.
What you have is stated preferences which your parents knkw they can ignore for periods of time, after which they will be put in a time out, then allowed to repeat the cycle.
Boundaries include you calling them on infractions every single time.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 15:47
Subject: Ugh, my passive-aggressive parents
So you have a training problem!
Repetition, consistency, clearly stated and acted upon reliable consequences.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
If they continue to willfully disregard then you ramp up the consequences and you choose not to resume the relationship, or you choose to resume on drastically reduced terms (clearly stating why).
At some point you get a strong message that they cannot or will not change. Then you have to make some decisions. Maybe you're already there.
Repetition, consistency, clearly stated and acted upon reliable consequences.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
If they continue to willfully disregard then you ramp up the consequences and you choose not to resume the relationship, or you choose to resume on drastically reduced terms (clearly stating why).
At some point you get a strong message that they cannot or will not change. Then you have to make some decisions. Maybe you're already there.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 15:26
Subject: Ugh, my passive-aggressive parents
examples please
Anonymous
06/04/2014 14:19
Subject: Ugh, my passive-aggressive parents
Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. The problem is, we DO have permanent boundaries. I'm just frustrated because even after we have set the boundaries, and even after they have acknowledged their understanding of our boundaries, they still break them and make excuses a 13-yr-old would make, such as "we didn't know" or "it was an accident." Clearly they knew, as many times is not the first time they've broken one of the boundaries.
So PPs, what do you do when they repeatedly break the permanent boundaries?
It would help if you gave examples.
My mom wants me to help clean out her garage and she whines and whines if I don't do it on her timetable. Her life is ending, she'll never be able to move, it's my fault, etc.
I calmly tell her what days I'm available to help, and repeat. Without discussion.
My father makes ethnic slurs about a particular group, to which my husband belongs.
I calmly tell him not to speak that way about my family, and repeat. Without discussion. And leave without comment if I have to.
No arguments. Just repeat boundaries.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 14:06
Subject: Ugh, my passive-aggressive parents
Thanks all. The problem is, we DO have permanent boundaries. I'm just frustrated because even after we have set the boundaries, and even after they have acknowledged their understanding of our boundaries, they still break them and make excuses a 13-yr-old would make, such as "we didn't know" or "it was an accident." Clearly they knew, as many times is not the first time they've broken one of the boundaries.
So PPs, what do you do when they repeatedly break the permanent boundaries?
So PPs, what do you do when they repeatedly break the permanent boundaries?
Anonymous
06/04/2014 13:41
Subject: Ugh, my passive-aggressive parents
Examples might help. I've been there, and have learned some strategies.
In general, I agree with PP's above -- temporary "breaks" dont' really do anything, in my experience.
In general, I agree with PP's above -- temporary "breaks" dont' really do anything, in my experience.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 13:39
Subject: Ugh, my passive-aggressive parents
Agree with permanent boundaries. And call them out when they break them. Deal with it then. Don't let it fester.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 11:31
Subject: Ugh, my passive-aggressive parents
OP, can you give an example of how your parents are passive aggressive?
I might be able to offer you some suggestions.
I'm 37, and my parents can be passive aggressive, but I feel like there has definitely been an improvement in the last several years.
But there are many different ways parents can be passive aggressive, so an example might help.
I will say that I have found that telling them that I am not going to communicate for a while makes the problem WORSE.
It's better to establish permanent boundaries than to have temporary breaks. But it takes time and patience to build the permanent boundaries. You have to do it in steps and stages, and it will be more successful if it doesn't seem like a punishment to your parents (which will only provoke more bad behavior on their part).
I might be able to offer you some suggestions.
I'm 37, and my parents can be passive aggressive, but I feel like there has definitely been an improvement in the last several years.
But there are many different ways parents can be passive aggressive, so an example might help.
I will say that I have found that telling them that I am not going to communicate for a while makes the problem WORSE.
It's better to establish permanent boundaries than to have temporary breaks. But it takes time and patience to build the permanent boundaries. You have to do it in steps and stages, and it will be more successful if it doesn't seem like a punishment to your parents (which will only provoke more bad behavior on their part).
Anonymous
06/04/2014 11:26
Subject: Ugh, my passive-aggressive parents
Cut them off.
Anonymous
06/04/2014 11:25
Subject: Ugh, my passive-aggressive parents
Does anyone else have passive-aggressive parents who don't respect you, even though you're 30, married, and do not financially, emotionally, or otherwise depend on them? And you've repeatedly told them ways that they CAN respect you?
I'm just frustrated that, as much as DH and I have told my parents about our boundaries (and as much as they've agreed to respect us in that), they still find ways to INCREDIBLY passively-aggressively violate them. DH and I take a firm approach when this happens, and typically it results in pushback from my parents (not surprising). Sometimes we have to take breaks from them (and we tell them that we're taking time off from communicating) which they do respect us on. But whenever our relationship starts back up again and things are going well, they do something to break a boundary they already know about (and have known about since we told them four years ago).
I hope I'm not alone. I love my parents but it is so painful and sad to know that they do not respect me one iota. I'm not going to give examples because I really just don't want to re-live the pain.
I'm just frustrated that, as much as DH and I have told my parents about our boundaries (and as much as they've agreed to respect us in that), they still find ways to INCREDIBLY passively-aggressively violate them. DH and I take a firm approach when this happens, and typically it results in pushback from my parents (not surprising). Sometimes we have to take breaks from them (and we tell them that we're taking time off from communicating) which they do respect us on. But whenever our relationship starts back up again and things are going well, they do something to break a boundary they already know about (and have known about since we told them four years ago).
I hope I'm not alone. I love my parents but it is so painful and sad to know that they do not respect me one iota. I'm not going to give examples because I really just don't want to re-live the pain.