Does your husband drink? If so, I would do some research and possibly insist on counseling.

Go to Al-Anon - it is a program for family members of alcoholics.

Of course your MIL is controlling - she is the wife of an alcoholic - those 2 types do quite a tango together, the co-dependent and the addict.

In Al-Anon, you will learn to Let Go and Let God as far as your FIL is concerned. It's not worth you wasting your precious hours mulling over, as you cannot stop or control the drinking. He has to hit bottom or otherwise chose to work his own program or otherwise quit. Try to keep your focus on yourself and not the in-law drama, despite how luring it may seem.

Hugs to you.

How about having a bit of worry for the man you married? From what you describe, I am sure he is incredibly embarrassed, shamed and downright mortified. He managing growing up in a home where you were talked to cover up critical problems on a daily basis. Imagine thinking the drinking was your fault, that if anyone found out your parents would be ashamed and your entire family would be shamed. Imagine wanting nothing more than to be in denial about all of it. I am sure that there is something wrong and brutal and each of our pasts that we really, really don't want anyone to know. It could be a rape, physical violence, a family member with an addiction, or many other things.

Of course it would have been better had your husband told you about all of this sooner. But, in addition to perhaps being an enabler, he has been a victim of this his entire life. I hear all of your concerns, but would suggest that you be gentle with your husband. You say he is a terrific guy, and that you cannot believe he didn't tell you this. That probably reflects how hard this is for him, and I don't think reflects that you need to worry about other secrets. Hi all means trying to work with him and come up with a workable solution. But know that this never probably men's quite deep and maybe much more horrible for him then you an adventure.

I totally agree. I say this as someone who's father was an abusive, raging alcoholic yet was a pillar of the community. Our entire family revolved around his rages and my siblings and I were conditioned from a pre-verbal age to keep the secret. I had to move 600 miles away to get a fresh start and begin my own recovery from my family. And, this was after my father and two of my siblings killed themselves. I know what it's like to be afraid to talk about the family secrets - and the shame. You clearly have no idea what it's like but please don't underestimate it any more.

One of the best things you could do for your DH is go to relationship counseling to help you better understand how he grew up and make sure that legacy ends with him.

Google "adult children of alcoholics" and find a marriage counselor.

Spend no energy thinking about fixing FIL. Focus on your marriage and how the two of you will handle this issue and rebuild trust in the future.

Anonymous wrote:I'm worried about alcoholism being genetic. I'm worried about the fact that my husband thinks it's okay to keep secrets. I'm worried that my husband is asking me to keep this secret, which is blatantly obvious to most people. I also am worried that my husband would use our son as a pawn to coerce his dad into getting help. I think our son should have a relationship with his grandfather, even if he is sick and can't be left alone with him. I don't agree in giving my FIL an ultimatum or cutting him off from our kids. Seriously I'm wondering why my husband kept this from me and why he is asking me to cover it up. I also think his dad is the only person who can get help. I don't know what to do. If you have an alcoholic family member, how do you encourage them to get help without being coercive or judgmental? How do I talk to my husband about this secret and regain his trust? I've never had anyone lie to me about something like this. I also think burying your hand in the sand and wishing the problem away won't help his dad or the family.

How about having a bit of worry for the man you married? From what you describe, I am sure he is incredibly embarrassed, shamed and downright mortified. He managing growing up in a home where you were talked to cover up critical problems on a daily basis. Imagine thinking the drinking was your fault, that if anyone found out your parents would be ashamed and your entire family would be shamed. Imagine wanting nothing more than to be in denial about all of it. I am sure that there is something wrong and brutal and each of our pasts that we really, really don't want anyone to know. It could be a rape, physical violence, a family member with an addiction, or many other things.

Of course it would have been better had your husband told you about all of this sooner. But, in addition to perhaps being an enabler, he has been a victim of this his entire life. I hear all of your concerns, but would suggest that you be gentle with your husband. You say he is a terrific guy, and that you cannot believe he didn't tell you this. That probably reflects how hard this is for him, and I don't think reflects that you need to worry about other secrets. Hi all means trying to work with him and come up with a workable solution. But know that this never probably men's quite deep and maybe much more horrible for him then you an adventure.

Classic codependent behavior. They can't control the drunk, so they care very deeply about controlling how tge family looks to outsiders. They want people to think everything is just fine. It's not.

Al-anon might be very helpful to you, definitely for your us and if you think you can get him there.

I guess I don't see it as your husband keeping a secret - it was not his story to tell. You say FIL had not been drinking for your entire relationship yet you expect your DH to tell you about past behavior that (obviously) changes your perception of your FIL? They believed he had made changes that would continue. They were wrong so NOW is the time they need to talk about it. They are embarrassed and your anger is certainly making that worse.

AS for the cover-up, well that's another story. Emphasize to DH that it's out there now and people suspect something is up. Honestly I think folks would be more sympathic if they knew the man was fighting an addiction vs. just behaving like a jerk!

Anonymous wrote:I'm worried about alcoholism being genetic. I'm worried about the fact that my husband thinks it's okay to keep secrets. I'm worried that my husband is asking me to keep this secret, which is blatantly obvious to most people. I also am worried that my husband would use our son as a pawn to coerce his dad into getting help. I think our son should have a relationship with his grandfather, even if he is sick and can't be left alone with him. I don't agree in giving my FIL an ultimatum or cutting him off from our kids. Seriously I'm wondering why my husband kept this from me and why he is asking me to cover it up. I also think his dad is the only person who can get help. I don't know what to do. If you have an alcoholic family member, how do you encourage them to get help without being coercive or judgmental? How do I talk to my husband about this secret and regain his trust? I've never had anyone lie to me about something like this. I also think burying your hand in the sand and wishing the problem away won't help his dad or the family.

Sounds to me like you have the right instincts in this matter. Don't keep the secret.

I'm worried about alcoholism being genetic. I'm worried about the fact that my husband thinks it's okay to keep secrets. I'm worried that my husband is asking me to keep this secret, which is blatantly obvious to most people. I also am worried that my husband would use our son as a pawn to coerce his dad into getting help. I think our son should have a relationship with his grandfather, even if he is sick and can't be left alone with him. I don't agree in giving my FIL an ultimatum or cutting him off from our kids. Seriously I'm wondering why my husband kept this from me and why he is asking me to cover it up. I also think his dad is the only person who can get help. I don't know what to do. If you have an alcoholic family member, how do you encourage them to get help without being coercive or judgmental? How do I talk to my husband about this secret and regain his trust? I've never had anyone lie to me about something like this. I also think burying your hand in the sand and wishing the problem away won't help his dad or the family.

OP, I've had alcoholism in my family as long as I can remember. My grandfather drank, and got drunk daily. Then he lightened up and only drank at meal times. He passed away at 91, up until the time of his passing he was very healthy. My father drinks everyday, unless he's sick, which is rare.

My kids have seen this, there have been no problems, thus far.

yes, alcoholism happens, it's not pleasant at times, but (we) as family members have to support these people and deal with them and have them help them selves.

16:51 again - I wrote my response before I saw your second post, OP. Obviously you know already the secret-keeping is toxic behavior. I suggest reading about the patterns of behavior in alcoholic families. You might also want to go to Al-Anon - although not everyone takes to Al-Anon.

OP, what's disturbing is that your husband has kept this from you. Wow, talk about family secrets. Your husband and his family obviously need to deal with your FIL's problem but they also need to look at their own co-dependent behavior, like the secret-keeping. Also sounds like your MIL is heavy into co-dependency -- controlling behavior is a big symptom of it.

But here's the thing - you need to educate yourself because addictive behavior can be hereditary and your son is at risk for becoming an addict. I speak from experience - my parents were alcoholics and my brother has struggled with it off and on. I raised my kid explaining to her that she was at risk for alcoholism because of her heritage and that if she ever needed it she could go to AA. Amazingly, when she got into trouble she went to AA, found a good sponsor and is sober today. What helped, she said, is knowing that in our family if you have a drinking problem you go to AA.

Anyway, I say all this not to freak you out about your kid's future but to let you know that this is something you should be talking to your kid about. Your husband hid your FIL's alcoholism from you. Don't hide it from your kid.

Good luck!

I was writing on my phone and accidentally submitted my post.

I'm having a really difficult time with this revelation as my husband asked me not to tell my parents or friends. Well, even my seven year old cousin mentioned to me "that man is drunk" so I think it is pretty obvious. I just don't spend that much time with my FIL since he lives out of state. My husband said he is ashamed and never told me, but I feel like this is a big issue that should have been addressed. I highly doubt my FIL will change. He's almost 70 and his family isn't the type to go to rehab or therapy. At the same time, I don't want to deny my son having a relationship with him. While I would not allow him to be alone with my son, watch him on his own or drive my son, I do not agree with my husband and his sister about denying him time with the children or even seeing the children unless he stops drinking cold turkey. I work in health care, and totally think my FIL needs medical help. I want to encourage my husband and his sister and mom to be supportive of their dad and encourage him to join AA, go to a therapist, go to rehab, etc.

I'm really resentful of my husband for not sharing this information with me. I had pointed out that his dad was being antisocial and exhibiting odd behavior and he made me feel really snarky. Meanwhile, his dad is bombed out of him mind, urinating with the door open in a house full of people, including lots of young children, snoring loudly at the dinner table and stuffing his face with snack food he hid around the house.

My husband and his family have a pattern of avoidance behavior. His mom is another story for later, but I feel like this was really important information my husband should have shared with me. I can't imagine keeping a secret from him our entire relationship.

I'm pretty angry at my husband for not sharing this information and wonder what else he hid from me. At the same time, I feel like I haven't handled the situation very well and am asking this forum for advice on how to support my husband and encourage his dad to get the help he needs. Also, how do I address the need to be honest and transparent with my husband and to also let my husband know that other people are aware his dad has a problem, without hurting his feelings? My husband is a wonderful man, but keeping this secret has really upset me.

And so . . .?

My husband and I hosted a family get together last weekend. During the weekend, my husband kept mentioning that his mom was "stressed". Different story, but his mom is a really controlling, horrible person who talks about inappropriate topics and no one really enjoys (including my husband and his sister). I thought his mom was upset since we were hosting. My husband revealed that his dad is an alcoholic and his mom was stressed as his dad was in a drunken stupor and family members caught on, including me. My son and I found my father in law sneaking snacks in our basement bathroom and also my father in law urinated with the door open in front of family members. My father in law is a very buttoned up, stuffy guy so I found both of these things odd, not to mention that he is welcome to eat anything he wants in our house without sneaking snacks in the basement bathroom!

It turns out my husband's sister and mom confronted him about his drinking and tried to deny him from spending time with my nephews. My husband and his mom and sister want to have an intervention with their dad. My father in law "retired" in his early 50s (he's in his late 60s) and I always thought it was really odd given his field. I point out asked my husband if his dad's drinking affected his work and that is why he retired, rather than be fired. My husband said yes, that he was asked to retire or was going to be fired. He said that his dad has been an alcoholic since my husband's childhood and that he was a quiet drunk, but angered his mom as he would pass out at parties, in front of guests, snoring loudly or during conversations with others. This happened at the get together this weekend, but I just thought my father in law drank too much and was tired from traveling (he drove several hours to make the event).

My husband said that his dad stopped drinking when my mother in law became ill (basically for our entire relationship), but that he has relapsed back into drinking himself into oblivion and also left my two year old nephew at the park unattended.