Anonymous wrote:My addict mom physically and emotionally abused me as a child.
She became physically disabled about 10 years ago and has very limited mobility.
I left and made my own (much happier) life.
My mother is very difficult. She has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but refuses treatment.
She calls me to either cry or complain about other people. She currently abuses prescription medications and doesn't monitor her diabetes as well as she should. She is very lonely and assigns fault for it to my sister and I because we "left her."
I only speak to her because I don't want to feel guilt when she dies. I probably will anyway.

Don't say a word about it and let her be. Maybe you will be lucky and she will die sooner rather than hanging on this miserable life for many years to come - and making your lives miserable in the process.

OP you are not alone -- but I do have to say that in my case, at least, my mother is incredibly sweet, kind, and caring to everyone except me and my father (and sometimes my brother and SIL). Most people who meet her can't say enough sweet things about her, and they therefore reinforce her sense of victimization in that although I call her daily, I see her rarely because the visits are sheer hell. So, the guilt I feel gets layered by her comments about how everyone else thinks it's awful that I never come 'home,' etc.,.

In other words, the OP may well have a situation in which her guilt gets worse because she sees/has a mother that no one else sees....and she may feel very alone in trying to tell herself that it's okay to distance since others are able to be around her mother without being viciously savaged emotionally.

Your mom will never love you the way you want her to. That is what you are holding out for. Accept whatever love your mother was willing to give you as the best she was able to do given her condition and take comfort in the fact that it's not you - she would treat any kid or random person crappy.

Anonymous wrote:I'm an RN who works in rehab/long term care. If I had a dollar for every witchy old woman who is a perfect beast to their husbands and children, I own my own vacation home on OBX.
I see these women guilt the crap out of their kids about coming around to kiss their asses when it's clear the relationship is nothing but toxic. Some daughters come daily and leave in tears after another awful visit with their emotionally detached mothers who seem to think that squeezing a child out 50-60 years ago means that they need to devote every waking moment to them, regardless of the crappy childhood they provided. It is so sad. Those mothers will continue to guilt their children from beyond the grave...

I totally agree. OP, you have been 'conditioned' to love your mother and respond to her laying a guilt trip on you. Why would you tolerate in your mother what you wouldn't tolerate in a stranger? FWIW, I know how hard this can be. I had an incredibly horrific childhood and lost two of my siblings to suicide. I learned much earlier than many others that if I wanted any hope of a happy life, I needed to separate myself from my birth family. Stop letting your mother have influence over you. (Therapy helps)

I'm the PP who cut my mother off. Although it was right in my situation it took almost 10 years for me to make the final decision to end the relationship. I would encourage anyone who wants to go that route to think it over then think it over some more. The pain of dealing with a mentally ill, abusive parent is replaced by the hollowness of being essentially a motherless, albeit adult, child. It's a different kind of hell, just one I have found a way to live with.

Do you think a therapist could help you decrease these feelings of guilt?

Do you think you would actually feel better cutting your mother off entirely? Because if you're going to feel some guilt anyway, why not?

You don't deserve to feel this way, OP.

I'm an RN who works in rehab/long term care. If I had a dollar for every witchy old woman who is a perfect beast to their husbands and children, I own my own vacation home on OBX.
I see these women guilt the crap out of their kids about coming around to kiss their asses when it's clear the relationship is nothing but toxic. Some daughters come daily and leave in tears after another awful visit with their emotionally detached mothers who seem to think that squeezing a child out 50-60 years ago means that they need to devote every waking moment to them, regardless of the crappy childhood they provided. It is so sad. Those mothers will continue to guilt their children from beyond the grave...

No, you are not alone. I went through this with my mother. It continued until my adult brother, who had continued to live with her, took his own life using drugs he bought with her money given to support his habit. After that I never spoke to her again. Not so much anger as I couldn't imagine what we had to say to each other.

She died about 6 months later - a massive stroke, little suffering. Lucky for both of us.

^^And you probably have all this positive energy left over for those who don't abuse you

I hear you. I endured the abuse for years with my mother but finally had to cut her off if I wanted any chance at a normal life. My life is transformed but I still feel guilt about ending the relationship even though it was the right thing in my case.

You will be a victim forever. And as luck would have it, she will outlive you. Addicts with BPD at that age will never change. You are participating in the abuse cycle by being in a relationship with her. She's lonely because she's pushed everybody else out of her life. Move on and let the healing begin. Go to therapy to process your feelings of guilt and self love.

OP, you are not alone and you are not wrong to limit contact.

Do whatever will give you the most peace and last guilt. Your only obligation is to yourself.

I'm sorry.

Your mom abused you = you do NOT have to feel guilty. Feel free to have little or no contact with her. Seriously.

You are not alone.

My addict mom physically and emotionally abused me as a child.
She became physically disabled about 10 years ago and has very limited mobility.
I left and made my own (much happier) life.
My mother is very difficult. She has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but refuses treatment.
She calls me to either cry or complain about other people. She currently abuses prescription medications and doesn't monitor her diabetes as well as she should. She is very lonely and assigns fault for it to my sister and I because we "left her."
I only speak to her because I don't want to feel guilt when she dies. I probably will anyway.