Ugh, I feel for you. My DD is only a baby but I can see things going down this road. Slightly different issue but the last several times we have been around friends' older kids, as soon as they leave, MIL will say something sniping about the kids' behavior and criticize the parents. My response is generally, "you know, DD and [cousin her age] are going to be just like that in a few years." And MIL is like "no they won't, these kids are bad, etc. etc." when really the kids are not bad. MIL also tries to bribe older kids with candy, etc., even after their parents have said no. I am very concerned about her undermining my parenting at every turn. DH agrees with me, though he hardly never notices the behavior in the first place (but will immediately remember it and agree when I point it out). Sigh.

Anonymous wrote:I don't pay attention to more than 3/4 of what my MIL says. I wouldn't even know she was saying things like this. I would be nodding, smiling, and saying, "Mmmhmmm."

She sounds kooky. I think you have to pick your battles. Her contradicting you and telling DD that she's going to end-run around you is NOT acceptable. Nip those comments in the bud. Her putting you in a socially-compromising position by loudly making negative comments about other kids in their/their moms' hearing is NOT ok. When she tries to say she never made any such comment, just go into a "cut the bullshit" tone; you could also say "well, that's how it cane out" or "that's how it sounded to me and everyone in earshot; please don't ruin the ballet experience for DD." If necessary, reduce how much you bring her to things like ballet or other public things with DD. You could even just hint at that and say, after her next crazy comment that others hear, "Larla, I want to be able to have you share in these experiences, but if you make public comments like that then it makes it hard for me to do so." At home, how do you respond to her comments about other kids? Do you engage or ignore her?

Hopefully she'll settle down a bit as DD gets a little older.

I don't pay attention to more than 3/4 of what my MIL says. I wouldn't even know she was saying things like this. I would be nodding, smiling, and saying, "Mmmhmmm."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"She rarely says this stuff when he's around"?

Then don't hang out with MIL so much unless DH is around, problem solved!

That came out wrong - should've said, "when he's within earshot." We do not hang out alone very often but if DH is in the living room and DD follows me into the kitchen, she will follow DD. She gets visibly annoyed if she is visiting and DD wants anyone else's attention but hers. She has also loudly proclaimed her desire to be "DD's favorite person" and mounted a campaign built on gifts to succeed. If I correct DD's behavior in her presence she tells DD, don't worry, "Grammy will let you eat cookies for breakfast/watch cartoons all day/have a water fight in the living room after Mommy leaves." It's massively annoying so I try to spend as little time with her as possible.

Grandparents who become obsessed with their grandchildren have a screw loose.

At some point DD is going to understand that Grammy is contradicting you so I would stop that now. "Hey, Gertrude, we're working on family rules with Molly and it could be confusing to her if she keeps getting conflicting messages. We don't want her thinking cookies for breakfast or cartoons all day are OK with us. I'm sure you understand." Make MIL feel like she's helping you and DH with Molly's learning. (gag, I know)

Have DH talk to her if you don't feel comfortable doing it.

Anonymous wrote:"She rarely says this stuff when he's around"?

Then don't hang out with MIL so much unless DH is around, problem solved!

That came out wrong - should've said, "when he's within earshot." We do not hang out alone very often but if DH is in the living room and DD follows me into the kitchen, she will follow DD. She gets visibly annoyed if she is visiting and DD wants anyone else's attention but hers. She has also loudly proclaimed her desire to be "DD's favorite person" and mounted a campaign built on gifts to succeed. If I correct DD's behavior in her presence she tells DD, don't worry, "Grammy will let you eat cookies for breakfast/watch cartoons all day/have a water fight in the living room after Mommy leaves." It's massively annoying so I try to spend as little time with her as possible.

Don't let MIL go to places with you and DD within earshot of other children. I'd be mortified if MIl were berating other children that DC and I had to spend time with afterwards.

"She rarely says this stuff when he's around"?

Then don't hang out with MIL so much unless DH is around, problem solved!

You can't change her behavior, only how you let it affect you.

Our DD is MIL's only grandchild and she isn't likely to have any more. MIL loves DD dearly, and we are lucky to have such a caring and involved grandparent. But (there's always a but, right?) MIL has developed a nasty habit of criticizing all other kids in DD's general age range (toddler). For example...

- DD is so much more active and engaging and beautiful than all her friends' grandchildren. She met Jane's granddaughter Larla, and Larla just sat there and played with toys. Not like DD who really knows how to engage with adults too...(yeah, my toddler's a real superstar at interacting with adults...whatever, MIL)

- DD didn't listen to the teacher at ballet class because "My granddaughter isn't a sheep who just does what she's told. All these other kids are so boring, they probably just practice ballet with their moms all week long" (said loudly in the presence of other mothers during the class).

- My niece (DD's cousin, my brother's daughter so not related to MIL but MIL has met her at family events) must have developmental delays because she didn't walk/talk as quickly as DD did

And it goes on and on...

I know she's proud of her granddaughter and I think my kid is great too, but come on! I was especially offended by the ballet comment because 1) DD should've been listening to the teacher, not running around like a little hellion (yes, I redirected her and she settled down) and 2) MIL shouldn't have been criticizing the other children, but especially not loudly and in front of their parents. I have tried talking to her about it. I've asked her to celebrate DD but not compare her to other kids. I've explained why I was upset at the ballet comments and the comments about my niece. But she either says, "Oh, I didn't say that, you misunderstood," or "I'm not a teacher like you so I don't know all these things about dealing with kids like you do." Ummm...what? I was a middle school teacher for ten years ago which has nothing to do with me asking MIL not to criticize toddlers.

FWIW, over the past few years I have noticed MIL and FIL spending an awful lot of time criticizing their friends/other adults in their family/social circle. I've known them for 15 years and they weren't always so obnoxious - maybe it's age? But regardless of what I say to them, and I have asked several times, they just continue with the same behavior. DH doesn't really see anything wrong with it and believes her when she says "oh, I didn't say that." She rarely says this stuff when he's around. Is there anything I can do to get her to stop? I really don't want to cause a fight, but aside from her behavior just being rude, I don't really need DD constantly hearing these kinds of comments as she gets older.