What I have found in my own marriage, and have posted about on DCUM regularly, is that there are specific times and events that I feel like I have to tolerate my MIL. Beyond those times, if my husband wants to see his mother, it is on him to make the plans. If I don't make plans, nothing happens. I would be SOL on the baptism front. That is just one of those times I would have to suck it up. However, if she were staying for a few days, I would make plans to be absent from the house. And now you know that you can't have any maintenance or work done when they are present. Bring people in or make plans to get them up and out to some activity where you don't know anyone.

::wonders if I wrote this in my sleep:: Except I have a daughter, not a son.

Right down to not understanding that space in our house goes to those who need it the most for the visit -namely H's brother, wife and 2 kids because we can provide separate rooms to help with that and my younger brother because he's younger and less well off than everyone else.

You have nothing but my sympathy, OP. My FIL also sulks when my H won't cook him breakfast or if he decides to sleep in until noon and missed breakfast and my H won't then remake what he made for everyone else.

I've found drinking heavily to be my only recourse while they visit. Oh, and I attempt to schedule hair appointments, oil changes, and other things that will get me out of the house.

The older people get, the harder it is for them to change. And no they won't change diapers..I think you shouldn't be expecting them to. The only thing you can correct them on is inappropriate comments, since it would put them in bad light. In situations where you can't correct them, just don't respond or give them a cold shoulder. That should get the message across.

The thing is, I can't laugh them off. The mom kept talking about "black deacons", "chocolate Santas (as in African American Santas", "darkies". These terms to me are so offensive! My FIL graduated from Harvard and my MIL has traveled to all continents yet is so close minded and bigoted.

They made incessant comments about new money to my parents. About people that live beyond their means... My dad is a partner in a law firm and my mom works in arts administration. Both of them live very simply in a modest home in an inner suburb of a large city. My parents grew up very working class and have no tolerance for people who put down any job or person. My mom's family grew up in public housing on assistance so my MIL's comments are particularly infuriating.

Sorry about the paragraphs. I was writing on my IPhone at 4 am.

I know I can't change them but it's just so hard. Yesterday when we had a contractor measuring our windows, my husband's mom started following him around the house, inserting her opinion about her windows. She has a new house built in the 1970s energy crisis with few windows. Our home is from the 1830s. I had to ask her to please not talk to the guys working on the house and not micromanage them (she got out a tape measure and started second guessing their measurements).

My husband's dad left opened newspapers all over the dining room table. He made eggs this morning--after sulking that my husband didn't make him breakfast--and created a mess on the stove and didn't clean the pan or spatula. He used a Waterford cocktail glass for his orange juice--which he had to get out of our basement bar--rather than a regular juice glass and dropped it on the brick patio, breaking it.

All of their towels are wadded up in balls and they are watching Fox News playing with the baby. I'm counting the hours down until they leave!

Try and laugh them off as old folk. They won't change and you won't have any impact on their personality. So just treat them like you would a crazy aunt.

The most worrying thing is that you are letting them get to you. Try not to argue with DH about them.

Anonymous wrote:I want my son to have a GOOD relationship with them--not food relationship. to be honest, they are not the type of people I want my son around but they are my husbands' parents. Their siblings are lovely people so it's just these two and not a cultural thing. If you talked to my MIL the civil war just happened. They have been watching Fox News loudly and saying horribly racist and classist comments to the pint I pretend to be feeding my son and close the door to his nursery and read and play with him to get away. They are here tomorrow with me alone and I'm going to lose it. I need to stick up for myself now if I don't I never will and it's getting progressively worse.

My parents are similar in a lot of ways. They love DS to the point of insanity and want to see him all the time, which means I have to see them more than I want to. They plan long visits and stay at a hotel, but by day 3 I want to lock myself in the bedroom and not come out until they leave. I too want my son to have a good relationship with them, but they're not always the type of people I want influencing him. I'm very torn at times, more so regarding my mother than my father who just wants to play with DS and show him his old childhood toys. My mother, on the other hand, would do anything to be mom #2 as well as his spiritual guide. It's rough. They live very comfortable lives but watch FOX, think the commentators are oracles and believe the government is going to land black helicopters in their backyard and take away all of their money. FWIW, this describes them to a T:

http://www.cnn.com/2014/01/27/opinion/frum-fox-news-anxiety/

Paragraphs are your friend.

Anonymous wrote:You must dilute the situation. Haul in anyone you can. Your bro or a friend or the trash collector. The more the merrier in this situation. You will feel less crazy with others around. Take her out of the house. Mall, playground, zoo wherever. Get out. Also, you're tired and will need a nap tomorrow. Maybe you'll have a migraine? Maybe your friend will have a work related emergency that requires your help. If you make it computer-related your MIL will never know you're lying.

This is great advice - it's how you'll be able to get through the day. good luck - they sound vile.

OP I sympathize with you! I could have written this post, in fact I have written similar posts on DCUM before about my in-laws.

I survive by the grace that they live out of state and we see them twice a year and by biting my tongue as much as possible.

Also, this quote by Mark Twain is my mantra:


“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”

? Mark Twain

Anonymous wrote:Your inlaws do sound awful. Yuck.

The only thing I want to point out is -- don't expect older people to diaper, change, soothe and feed your infant. That's not going to happen. They will play with the baby. Period.

Very true +1

You must dilute the situation. Haul in anyone you can. Your bro or a friend or the trash collector. The more the merrier in this situation. You will feel less crazy with others around. Take her out of the house. Mall, playground, zoo wherever. Get out. Also, you're tired and will need a nap tomorrow. Maybe you'll have a migraine? Maybe your friend will have a work related emergency that requires your help. If you make it computer-related your MIL will never know you're lying.

Your inlaws do sound awful. Yuck.

The only thing I want to point out is -- don't expect older people to diaper, change, soothe and feed your infant. That's not going to happen. They will play with the baby. Period.

I want my son to have a GOOD relationship with them--not food relationship. to be honest, they are not the type of people I want my son around but they are my husbands' parents. Their siblings are lovely people so it's just these two and not a cultural thing. If you talked to my MIL the civil war just happened. They have been watching Fox News loudly and saying horribly racist and classist comments to the pint I pretend to be feeding my son and close the door to his nursery and read and play with him to get away. They are here tomorrow with me alone and I'm going to lose it. I need to stick up for myself now if I don't I never will and it's getting progressively worse.

This weekend was my son's baptism. We hosted a big party for our family and had about 25 people come from out of town. We live in an urban neighborhood, a few blocks from several hotels. We offered our home to my sister in law and her family as they have two children under two and my early 20s age brother who is low maintenance. All other guests, including my parents, got hotels except my in-laws. My in-laws are quite wealthy but cheap. They tried to stay at our house despite not being invited or having the room. My husband had to have a major talk with them. After the weekend, they decided to stay a few extra days and asked to stay here. While my father in law is a curmudgeon, my mother in law is the worst. She is a very insecure person who is awful to be around. I pride myself on being a like able, easygoing person. I love being hospitable and want my son to have a food relationship with my son. The past few days have been hell. My mother in law thinks that we are best friends. She says extremely inappropriate things. She is extremely racist and classist. I usually ignore her comments and don't give her the reaction she is looking for, say something about her conversation being inappropriate or simply walk away. She thinks she is charming and friendly. In the past few days, she has insulted my parents, family and me. It got so bad, I went upstairs and kicked the wall to let off steam. Examples: inappropriate story about a racially specific Santa, calling my father "new money", calling my cousins who took a cab rather than walk to their hotel "fat", inserting herself into a conversation with a contractor renovating our house. I try so hard to be positive but I really do not enjoy spending time with her. My father in law is grumpy, gets into tiffs with mother in law, never lifts a finger except to play with my son. Neither of them once changed a diaper or offered to help with my son. They clearly love him but will only play with him or hold him. I don't like being around these people to the point that when my husband and I were dating, I contemplated breaking up with him because his family is truly awful. My husband is a wonderful man, one of the most kind and giving people. I have never met more cold or snobby people than my inlaws. It makes me sad as my husband doesn't have the same kind of relationship with his parents that I have with mine. I try to be respectful of them but they are incredibly formal and cold to me. They insist that my husband speak like a child to them " yes sir/m'am" even in an informal setting, my brother in law and I call them by their last name, my MIL prefers to have correspondence in her husband's name and will correct you. The only arguments my husband and I get into are about them. It's hard for me to admit, but I hate them. What would you do?