Anonymous
Post 05/26/2014 20:46     Subject: Re:"Giving" MIL
OP here - I'll elaborate on the small house thing. This has been actually a serious issue. We are both really stressed out about the lack of space and are constantly wanting to declutter but are overextended and haven't had the time. I have a really demanding job and he is self-employed but works full time too, and we're having a little growing pains getting used to being parents... our house looks like we have a mild case of hoarding. I can't have people over. We are actively trying to get rid of things at all times. Any influx not only puts stress on us at having to deal with it, create space for it, etc., but also just adds to this kind of background stress for both of us that strains our relationship. Does this change anybody's view or just make me look like even more of a whiner
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2014 20:40     Subject: Re:"Giving" MIL
Anonymous wrote:We have a little side table/cabinet that she gave us for DD that I think is pretty ugly - you're saying I should just suck it up and keep it right?

Yep. My MIL and mom constantly give me hideous things. Especially clothes for my kids. At first I wanted to say something and then I realized I could use the clothes as filler play clothes. Problem solved! As for the side table...put in the play room/area...


You saw the part where I said I have a small house right? There is no play room/area. Hahahahahaha. There is barely enough floor room to put my baby down! And we rent storage space and that's full too. We are planning on moving to a new house within the next 2 years but until then...
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2014 20:37     Subject: Re:"Giving" MIL
We have a little side table/cabinet that she gave us for DD that I think is pretty ugly - you're saying I should just suck it up and keep it right?

Yep. My MIL and mom constantly give me hideous things. Especially clothes for my kids. At first I wanted to say something and then I realized I could use the clothes as filler play clothes. Problem solved! As for the side table...put in the play room/area...
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2014 20:31     Subject: Re:"Giving" MIL
Anonymous wrote:As the daughter of a woman who could be your MIL:

My mother has gone through this with my brother and SIL (I've posted about it here before). It's been an ugly, ugly 13 years (my nephew's age, which is when this started) and it blew up this year. My SIL gave away a dollhouse my mother had painstakingly outfitted for my two nieces and my mother went ballistic and there's irreparable damage. There are two sides to every story, of course, and my SIL insists that the girls just didn't like the dollhouse and that their pregnant teacher would love it for her soon-to-be-baby girl. Unfortunately, this followed situations such as when my SIL made my brother return all the Christmas gifts my mother had given their three children: he came over and got the receipts and returned several hours later and gave my mother back the money. Unlike your MIL, my parents aren't in financial distress but like you, my SIL and brother just couldn't deal with the clutter. Now (and please don't take offense) my whole family is dealing with a much more serious kind of clutter-- emotional stuff that you can't throw, give, or put away, unfortunately.

I am sure you will get all kinds of feedback on this, and I really don't have the right answer for you, except to ask you if it's really worth alienating your MIL over all this. Can't you share the food at work or with friends if you really can't use it or if it's just too much junk food? For the clothes, can you ask her to store them until your next trip since they're bigger than your DC needs?

I know that you're worried about her spending unnecessarily but you're not going to be able to control that (and if she's like my mother, she may be going to thrift shops and Goodwill, etc.).

There is NO good answer here but I would hate to see you in a situation such as my family confronts now where there is so much tension that you can cut knives in the room. You can't control or change your MIL but you can control your own actions and I honestly think that it'll be less painful for you to swallow really, really hard and accept some of this rather than to confront.

Good luck: I know it's hard.


Thanks - this is helpful. My first inclination was to write, oh, I would never think of giving away something like that, but then I thought about it and if she does give DD a bunch of really large toys that we can't fit in our house, I would probably be tempted. This last trip when she gave us a 3rd round of clothes that won't fit DD for over a year, I said (with DH's approval), oh, this is great - let's keep it here until she grows into it! She responded, oh, well, I thought you would keep it at home. And I said, oh, we don't have any room, and DH gets stressed whenever DD has wrong size clothes in her closet (this is true). So she was like, ok, we can keep it in DH's room's closet. I am hoping this will give the hint that if she keeps buying clothes that won't fit, they have to live at her place.

We have a little side table/cabinet that she gave us for DD that I think is pretty ugly - you're saying I should just suck it up and keep it right?
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2014 20:24     Subject: Re:"Giving" MIL
Anonymous wrote:As the daughter of a woman who could be your MIL:

My mother has gone through this with my brother and SIL (I've posted about it here before). It's been an ugly, ugly 13 years (my nephew's age, which is when this started) and it blew up this year. My SIL gave away a dollhouse my mother had painstakingly outfitted for my two nieces and my mother went ballistic and there's irreparable damage. There are two sides to every story, of course, and my SIL insists that the girls just didn't like the dollhouse and that their pregnant teacher would love it for her soon-to-be-baby girl. Unfortunately, this followed situations such as when my SIL made my brother return all the Christmas gifts my mother had given their three children: he came over and got the receipts and returned several hours later and gave my mother back the money. Unlike your MIL, my parents aren't in financial distress but like you, my SIL and brother just couldn't deal with the clutter. Now (and please don't take offense) my whole family is dealing with a much more serious kind of clutter-- emotional stuff that you can't throw, give, or put away, unfortunately.

I am sure you will get all kinds of feedback on this, and I really don't have the right answer for you, except to ask you if it's really worth alienating your MIL over all this. Can't you share the food at work or with friends if you really can't use it or if it's just too much junk food? For the clothes, can you ask her to store them until your next trip since they're bigger than your DC needs?

I know that you're worried about her spending unnecessarily but you're not going to be able to control that (and if she's like my mother, she may be going to thrift shops and Goodwill, etc.).

There is NO good answer here but I would hate to see you in a situation such as my family confronts now where there is so much tension that you can cut knives in the room. You can't control or change your MIL but you can control your own actions and I honestly think that it'll be less painful for you to swallow really, really hard and accept some of this rather than to confront.

Good luck: I know it's hard.


But as an adult, OP sure can express that there is too much coming into her household and they don't have room for it. After hearing the message over and over isn't there any responsibility on the MIL's part to be respectful of what another adult is telling her about the situation? You're assuming MIL is some kind of unbending child who cannot or will not understand that others are inconvenienced by her excessive gift giving. I say OP should have a discussion with MIL and have faith that she is able to handle hearing that it's too much.

So if SIL went to the extremes of returning all of the Christmas gifts, why would your mom painstakingly furnish a dollhouse for the nieces? Sounds like she wasn't getting the message. Did she even suggest to your brother and wife that she was planning this? I'm not saying she should have to under normal circumstances, but there was a track record here of rejected gifts.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2014 20:22     Subject: "Giving" MIL
I think it's thoughtful of her to buy you pajamas because you are always cold and the fact that she's buying her granddaughter clothes. I see why it could be a bit aggravating with the food, but it's not worth a fight really. Keep living....life has much more in store for you with your dh, your dd and your inlaws. This is not the hill to die on. Accept graciously and Keep it moving.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2014 20:16     Subject: "Giving" MIL
I think it's her way of still being mom to her son. There's more probability that you will outlast her. Just take the items with a smile and a thank you. As already suggested twice, donate what you can.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2014 20:16     Subject: "Giving" MIL
I "accidentally" leave everything she gives us in the trunk when we get home and then I promptly throw it out (that day if it's food) or the next day.

Sorry I don't want your Cosby sweaters, but I'm sure someone having an Ugly Sweater Party will want them for the irony, so off to Goodwill it goes.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2014 20:13     Subject: Re:"Giving" MIL
As the daughter of a woman who could be your MIL:

My mother has gone through this with my brother and SIL (I've posted about it here before). It's been an ugly, ugly 13 years (my nephew's age, which is when this started) and it blew up this year. My SIL gave away a dollhouse my mother had painstakingly outfitted for my two nieces and my mother went ballistic and there's irreparable damage. There are two sides to every story, of course, and my SIL insists that the girls just didn't like the dollhouse and that their pregnant teacher would love it for her soon-to-be-baby girl. Unfortunately, this followed situations such as when my SIL made my brother return all the Christmas gifts my mother had given their three children: he came over and got the receipts and returned several hours later and gave my mother back the money. Unlike your MIL, my parents aren't in financial distress but like you, my SIL and brother just couldn't deal with the clutter. Now (and please don't take offense) my whole family is dealing with a much more serious kind of clutter-- emotional stuff that you can't throw, give, or put away, unfortunately.

I am sure you will get all kinds of feedback on this, and I really don't have the right answer for you, except to ask you if it's really worth alienating your MIL over all this. Can't you share the food at work or with friends if you really can't use it or if it's just too much junk food? For the clothes, can you ask her to store them until your next trip since they're bigger than your DC needs?

I know that you're worried about her spending unnecessarily but you're not going to be able to control that (and if she's like my mother, she may be going to thrift shops and Goodwill, etc.).

There is NO good answer here but I would hate to see you in a situation such as my family confronts now where there is so much tension that you can cut knives in the room. You can't control or change your MIL but you can control your own actions and I honestly think that it'll be less painful for you to swallow really, really hard and accept some of this rather than to confront.

Good luck: I know it's hard.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2014 20:12     Subject: "Giving" MIL
Gifts may be her way of expressing love. My MIL is the same way. She gives DC a goody bag every time we're over, even if it's just for lunch or whatever.

Donate or trash what you don't want while repeating to her that you don't have a lot of room at home.

The message will sink in after a while.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2014 20:07     Subject: "Giving" MIL
My MIL is the exact same way except she forces her old clothing on me, her old AARP magazines, and a monthly woman's prayer catalog that she gets from her church. She also tried to give us her leftovers. I am at a point to where I specifically say no to any food. I told her that we grocery shop for food that we need and we do not need any extra. I also asked her to stop asking me and then turning around and asking my husband the same thing. I might be a bitch and she might be a very giving and caring lady but it gets to a point where enough is enough.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2014 20:07     Subject: "Giving" MIL
My MIl is this way as well. When we were first married shed bring groceries. It bothered the heck out of me but I came to realize that's just her way. 3 years later she has stopped but does often buy me clothes I loathe. She even will sneak in things that reek of her perfume and try to pass them off as new. I could be bothered by it, I just choose to rant to my husband and swallow it in her presence. Donate the things you don't like or sell them. That's what I do. My Mil constantly claims to forget that she's given someone a gift (bull) so with her pretending she doesn't remember...I never have to worry about her asking me where is such and such.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2014 20:07     Subject: "Giving" MIL

If DH can't say it himself, warn him in advance that you will start to put your foot down and that the least he can do is shut up instead of sabotaging your efforts.

Say: "I'm so grateful, MIL, but our house is far too cluttered and I can't accept anymore gifts right now. No, we're not going to eat that."

Smile each time, use your friendly voice, and SAY NO. A hundred times per visit if need be.
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2014 20:02     Subject: "Giving" MIL
Concern #1 isn't legitimate. You are the parent and always have the say as to what your kids eat. You're not "good" mommy or "bad" mommy because you regulate what they have. You're just "mommy."

The second concern is legitimate. It sounds like she is trying to compensate for something. Has she experienced a loss or is she alone? Does she have other activities to keep herself occupied?
Anonymous
Post 05/26/2014 19:57     Subject: "Giving" MIL
Feel free to tell me I'm a b****. I totally feel like one.

My MIL is one of those who always has to give us something every time she visits or we visit. Food AND other gifts. Our house is small and we are already totally stressed from the clutter. I feel like I constantly have a wall up with her, having to reject so many things. The past several visits she has given our DD (6 months) clothing that she's at least a year away from fitting into. She also gives me things like hideous pajamas "because [I'm] always cold."

With the food at her house she'll ask if we want it, I'll say no, then she'll ask again, then I'll ask DH and then say no, then she'll ask DH herself. It's this whole stressful production and it ends up adding a ton to what we have to put in our car. This time she even emailed after we left saying she froze X for next time! Making DH responsible for it won't work. DH just kind of acts lazy about it all and will end up conveying ambivalence, at which point she just forces as much as she can on us. So lately I've taken to just accepting one or two things for the sake of it, and if I think there's any chance we'll use it, and firmly but politely reject the rest (and occasionally get overruled by DH's ambivalence).

But in the end, I get that this is a minor annoyance, and she is trying to be thoughtful and I think it makes her feel good because she wants to "give," so is the answer that I should just deal with it?

If it makes a difference, I am concerned about 2 things, and not sure how legitimate they are. (1) that down the road, she'll insist on sending us home with a bunch of junk food and once the baby and any future kids are old enough that will put us in the position of having to be bad guy. I wouldn't mind them eating occasional junk while they're at their grandmother's, but seriously, she wants to send us home with weeks worth of sugary stuff - (2) that she has no $ - her kids are already increasingly supporting her - and she's spending what little she does have on things that we don't need or want.