I get mad at my DH sometimes because he is so oblivious. However, most of the times he is a sweetheart (though still oblivious).

I love him because 1) we share the same core principles 2) he is a very decent human being 3) we love our kids and love our family 4) he has my back 5) we have tons of history 6) we have a very good sex life. 7) we give each other space 8) we are good parents together 8) there are some activities and hobbies that we love to do together 9) there is trust between us.

I'm not in love with my spouse. Just yesterday, he said to me,"Why must you burden me with your burdens?" That, in a nutshell - him not caring what's going on with me, not doing anything to change when I tell him that I don't look forward to the weekends with the family - is why I'm not.

If he told me he was indifferent as to whether he got up and went into the office, or whether he stayed home with the family, I'd find out why and do something to make him look forward to being off work. But my stupid H just acts surprised and nothing changes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not wanting to strangle him.

Ha ha....that is how I feel sometimes. Seriously, for me it is not so much about great sex, or looking really hot. I just love that I have a companion to go through life, and have shared so many experiences. We too have been through deaths of family members, miscarriages, and just the daily stress of raising kids. When I think about it, I couldn't imagine going through all of this with someone besides dh. I love that he knows me and my moods, facial expressions, tone of my voice, and what all those things mean. We are not perfect, but I am so glad I have him, and I hope that we have a lot of years ahead of us.

This is us exactly, death of parent, grandparents, multiple miscarriages, raising a kid, stepkid, all of it...but could not imagine life without him. Even when I want to strangle him I love him still, especially because I know when he wants to strangle me..he doesn't...LOL!

Doing things for each other, even when we would rather be doing something else.
Not bean counting
we go on walks together
we have similar world views - that we talk about on our walks
we have similar expectations about our post child years- that we walk about on our walks
we both think we got the better deal
We back each other up on parenting- even if we disagree in the moment (and talk about it out of ear shot of the children)
We take turns
We take separate weekends vacations with friends
We make time for each other, even when it seems like a luxury we shouldn't take
We have sane families
We have each other's back when family or work crises happen.
We are both naturally frugal
We still have intimacy - but not as frequently as we would like.
We are both looking forward to empty nest.
We celebrate 20 years together this year.


Like many people, we have been through the wringer. Each of our children nearly died and were in ICU with RSV before they turned one. Both have very different special needs that will not prevent them from being fully fledged adults, but require more intense parenting for a longer length of time than typical children. It is just getting them to productive adulthood is difficult. We have benefited from parenting coaching from qualified special needs therapists. We have had near deaths of siblings and parents. Both of us lost our mother in the past year.

We could use extended time together- for a weekend. But that still isn't in the cards. Both our children are in HS.

I had a fair amount of family issues to deal with pre kids (Dad's illness/death, etc) and dh was with me through all of that. He was both my rock and my escape, we had a lot of fun together - just dh and me.

As soon as we added kids into the mix the dynamics of our relationship changed, though. We became Responsible Parents. Not that we were exactly irresponsible before kids, but after we had kids the level of our responsibilities went way, way up.

The one thing that has remained consistent throughout it all is the fact that dh and I have always been good as a team - we click. And we do love each other. Even now, we still have moments like we did back when we first got together.

While all marriages do evolve after such a long time, both parties involved never truly fall out of love w/each other in the process.

Sure, they may change over time which is completely normal and natural and of course, to be expected. However not to the point where one or both parties are no longer happy in the union anymore.

Once that "in love" feeling is gone, then the marriage has run it's course. You know when that feeling is gone once you start questioning if it's gone. Simple as that.

You can love your spouse w/out necessarily being "in love" w/your spouse. That person will always have a special place in your heart as well as in your life. You have a history w/that person plus you share children.

However, sometimes it just isn't working anymore and it is time to make changes and move on.

Sad, but true. Such is life.

Only been married for 3 years but if I am still BF with my DH after 14 years I will consider that a success. Kudos for having your best friend by your side after all this time.

Even though we've been through all kinds of hell and difficulties over 20 years, my passion for him and his for me is the same as when we first knew each other. I don't understand it, but there it is.

There have been some terrible lows between us, when we were really just hanging in there for our kids, but the love has been there underneath, and each time we struggle through the roughest spells we come out of it with deeper love and more shared history.

I think if we were more calm and stable types overall, it wouldn't still be so intensely passionate 20 years later, but we're kind of nutty. You probably wouldn't want that.

In any case, you do have to work at appreciating each other, remembering and rediscovering what made you special to each other in the beginning. Do new things together. My grandparents had a wonderful and stable 60 years, and up until the end were taking up new hobbies and activities together.

Being in love with my spouse means, that even on the worst days his happiness is my happiness. That I believe him and believe in him. One the best days, it means I still want to jump his bones AND go to Home Depot with him.

Nobody goes through life unscathed. Miscarriages, parents getting sick and dying, job losses, nobody is immune. All have happened to us, including a sibling being ill for a long time and passing.

So what does it look like? A healthy sex life is part of it. There is no reasons why two adults cannot take care of themselves. Nobody is expecting 23 year old bodies at 50 but couples can remain it shape. But the most important thing is having a companion that has your back and can go with you through the ups and downs of life. Someone you can confide in and trust. 11:35 is spot on. I think that in a world getting crazier and faster changing every day, this is very important. Plus having shared memories. My parents had an awful marriage and I like the thought of being together as life presents new challenges.

Anonymous wrote:
Not wanting to strangle him.

Ha ha....that is how I feel sometimes. Seriously, for me it is not so much about great sex, or looking really hot. I just love that I have a companion to go through life, and have shared so many experiences. We too have been through deaths of family members, miscarriages, and just the daily stress of raising kids. When I think about it, I couldn't imagine going through all of this with someone besides dh. I love that he knows me and my moods, facial expressions, tone of my voice, and what all those things mean. We are not perfect, but I am so glad I have him, and I hope that we have a lot of years ahead of us.

Not wanting to strangle him.

Was crazy about DH for years.

His selfishness and laziness during my pregnancy and DD's childhood have gradually destroyed any residual love I had for him.

Don't love him, don't like him, one bit.

Anonymous wrote:This is sort of a spin off to the "feeling sad thread".

I have been married for 14 yrs and I am NOT the person I was when I got married. So much has happened in the past 14 years that has forever changed me (my Mom's illness death/DH's mom's illness/death, miscarriage, 3 kids, etc)...

And the passion does diminish because after all I mentioned above - well I am not 24 anymore.

What does a healthy marriage evolve into? DH is one of my best friends.

Curious what other marriages look like after 14 years.

We are at 9 years. We have 2 kids and I also had a miscarriage. His mother was sick and died a couple of years ago.
It's normal for people to change over time. If someone is exactly the same, they are stagnant and there is something wrong.

My DH and I are friends. I'm less social because
a. I don't have the time
b. I don't have the time for B.S. in my life. I'm in my mid thirties so I guess that comes with age.

I don't think our passion has diminished. I think it's even better.
I think if you both do what's best for your marriage and your sanity, it makes you grow stronger.

This is sort of a spin off to the "feeling sad thread".

I have been married for 14 yrs and I am NOT the person I was when I got married. So much has happened in the past 14 years that has forever changed me (my Mom's illness death/DH's mom's illness/death, miscarriage, 3 kids, etc)...

And the passion does diminish because after all I mentioned above - well I am not 24 anymore.

What does a healthy marriage evolve into? DH is one of my best friends.

Curious what other marriages look like after 14 years.