Anonymous wrote:When dealing with in-laws I try to interpret as much as possible as a compliment rather than an insult. For example, when my MIL says that my son looks so much like her son (my BIL) I think it's a compliment because she obviously likes the way her son looks. And I also think that if my child looks like her side (or she thinks he looks like her side) then she'll treat him better. This is especially true of Asian and other patriarchal foreign cultues and especially true for sons, where some feel that if a son doesn't look like the father's side, that he may not be their relative. Unfair, but as someone with an Asian background, I've seen many families where the in-laws come from abroad to visit and think that the child doesn't look enough like their side and they treat the child nice, but not as well.

Who would marry into this fucked up culture?
Thanks for the warning.

Anonymous wrote:I can't relate on the language barrier, but my ILs said non stop how much DS looked just like his dad. My family said how much he resembled me. And now at 4, they all agree he looks like a mix a both. They see in your child what they want to see, try not to let it bother you.

I think this is true of many grandparents. OP should be grateful the are NOT accusing her of cheating. If anything it is a compliment.

Anonymous wrote:I think I should be less sensitive, but for some reason I find it irritating when my in-laws comment (through my husband; only my SIL speaks English, their parents do not) about how our baby strongly resembles my SIL and her son as an infant. Of course there must be some resemblance, as they are relatives, but I don't think it is strong. I'm a first-time parent, so I think I'm probably being protective overall. But I also don't like the feeling that 'my side' of the family is being overlooked. I know this is silly, of course I contributed (e.g., baby does have more of my coloration so far). I guess it also doesn't help with the language barrier, because when/if they meet with us (only one time so far), they speak only in their language when I'm there, while in my baby's presence, and I feel more excluded. Can anyone relate?

What language would you suggest they speak?
Do you want your child to learn the language?

When dealing with in-laws I try to interpret as much as possible as a compliment rather than an insult. For example, when my MIL says that my son looks so much like her son (my BIL) I think it's a compliment because she obviously likes the way her son looks. And I also think that if my child looks like her side (or she thinks he looks like her side) then she'll treat him better. This is especially true of Asian and other patriarchal foreign cultues and especially true for sons, where some feel that if a son doesn't look like the father's side, that he may not be their relative. Unfair, but as someone with an Asian background, I've seen many families where the in-laws come from abroad to visit and think that the child doesn't look enough like their side and they treat the child nice, but not as well.

Sounds like you feel distant from them in general. I'd work on finding ways to feel more like part of their family--working on the language, as a pp said, finding common interests. You--and more importantly, your child--ARE part of their family, and your kids will look like them.

I get it, it's irritating, and feels diminishing, but what can you do?

Anonymous wrote:I can't relate on the language barrier, but my ILs said non stop how much DS looked just like his dad. My family said how much he resembled me. And now at 4, they all agree he looks like a mix a both. They see in your child what they want to see, try not to let it bother you.

This.

We conceived my daughter with donor eggs and people who don't know, comment all the time about how she looks like me.

I wouldn't let this be a thing that sets you off. It's always fun for family to recognize Great-Aunt Tilly's nose on newborn little junior's face. People do it all the time. We just had someone comment that my daughter has my deceased MIL's forehead, of all things.

As for the language thing, can't help you there but that has nothing to do with the baby. This is no big deal, however.

They should be translating a bit more for you, but are you making an attempt to learn their language? You should.

I used to be a little miffed (on the inside) about this, though I didn't say anything. I know what you mean, though. If it helps at all, my five year old daughter is now a dead wringer for me when I was her age.

Welcome to the world of comments. They will come your way in many forms, with many intentions, for the rest of your life now that you are a parent.

In this particular instance, you are better off not letting it mean anything more than people seeing what they see. My daughter SO strongly resembles her asian dad that people assume I have adopted her if they see me with her, so I am in regular receipt of comments from family and strangers on resemblance issues. On the other hand, my father in law, of all people, somehow sees my smile in my daughter. Go figure.

Don't let it get to you- there are many more intrusive comments that are coming your way just because you have a kid now, and you kind of want to get used to it and learn to tune it out.

Everytime someone makes an irritating comment, just hear circus music in your head and smile.

I think My biology course included a theory that babies have more pronounced traits from the father's side as a kind of proof of paternity. In many kids it fades over time.

My two look like me until you see Daddy. Then, you see nothing if me except skin color, eye color.

I don't know your in laws, but maybe they mean it affectionately. Also, if they don't speak English, it's not rude to use their native language in front of you. How else will they communicate?

You are being silly.

Don't let this set the tone for your new relationship with the inlaws or it will be a very long haul. You will not be able to handle things whe. It moves from this to feeding/sleeping critiques, personality and character flaws of the child, not hitting milestones in the way they remember your husband and sil hitting milestones, etc etc.

This is small beans for what lies ahead. Learn to let it roll off your back or you are going to have a miserable three years.

I can't relate on the language barrier, but my ILs said non stop how much DS looked just like his dad. My family said how much he resembled me. And now at 4, they all agree he looks like a mix a both. They see in your child what they want to see, try not to let it bother you.

I think I should be less sensitive, but for some reason I find it irritating when my in-laws comment (through my husband; only my SIL speaks English, their parents do not) about how our baby strongly resembles my SIL and her son as an infant. Of course there must be some resemblance, as they are relatives, but I don't think it is strong. I'm a first-time parent, so I think I'm probably being protective overall. But I also don't like the feeling that 'my side' of the family is being overlooked. I know this is silly, of course I contributed (e.g., baby does have more of my coloration so far). I guess it also doesn't help with the language barrier, because when/if they meet with us (only one time so far), they speak only in their language when I'm there, while in my baby's presence, and I feel more excluded. Can anyone relate?