So sorry you're going through this OP. You deserve better. I suggest that you start working on setting limits with your mom. Small ones at first and then work your way up to bigger ones. Once I was able to do that with my mom, I was able to feel some compassion for her but only because she didn't control my life anymore.

Think about it this way. The screwed up neighbor lady down the street probably doesn't bother you so much. It's easy to feel sorry for her. But you don't let her move into your house and you don't give her the power to judge you. Good luck!

Thank you all again for your support. I really think we have very similar mothers! I think we all need a support group! It makes buying a Mother's Day card nearly impossible. Whenever I hear of wonderful mother -daughter relationships, I am jealous. And I hope my kids don't dislike me when they grow up.

:23, you are right. But it has been a long time since we've seen her (1.5 years). I feel an obligation and I somewhere have a wisp of hope that it can be a nice experience and I would like my kids to have the grandma experience. I think I am finally done. I know it will never change. I will do the minimum visit required to not be a 100% jerk to an old woman and nothing more. It seriously is not good for my health to have her here.

If this person were not related to you by blood, would she be on your life? THINK ABOUT IT OP!!!

Wait a minute. Why is my mother at your house? I'm so sorry!

One of the PPs here. OP, don't worry about crafting the relationship between your mom and your kids. It's going to be what it's going to be. Don't stress about how your anxiety might be shaping their feelings toward Grouchy Grandma.

Your mom sounds like a pest. Expect as little as possible from her. If she starts getting edgy with your kids, step in (you can bluntly remind her "Larla's FIVE, Mom; that's just how they are sometimes." Apart from your kids, just try to let her roll off your back and be glad you are a completely different type of mom for your own kids.

Anonymous wrote:Oh, thank you all for the sympathy. It has me in tears. Being DCUm, I expected to be criticized. What a nice surprise, especially when my feelings are being ignored here.

Just one more day and night.

I guess I should let her help more. I have let her cook a bit since she is an awesome cook. I just didn't want her doing other stuff because she often complains about being tired. I can just imagine her sitting in a friend's house and complaining how she had to come here and do dishes and she is so tired ...

She is 79 and in good health. Yet often complains about various aches, pains and fatigue. She has complained about aches and pains for my entire memory. She is not grateful for anything. She complains about others all the time, even her supposed friends. A recent favorite was complaining about her longtime friend who had just lost her husband two weeks prior.

She started in on my 5 year old again this evening for "not coming to her." Then when I tried to explain why that might be, she said "fine, blame me, it is all my fault." These words have been uttered by her thousands of time. When I try and talk logically and explain someone else's position, she gets all passive aggressive.

The "what are you doing" comment was explained by her as she was expecting my older DD was going with her (not sure why). Even so, why the barking tone? And, no, she would never listen to a video of herself. She would rever to "fine, it's all my fault" talk.

To make me feel even worse, it is obvious to my kids how much she is stressing me out. Now that will affect their relationship more than hearing her bark comments at them.

19:39, I think I am where you are. I've just had enough.

19:07 again. My mother says that ("fine, it's my fault, blame me") all the time. All. the. time. I'd think you were my long-lost sister, but my mother is only 73.

I'm 19:39.

Ooh yes.

The inability to see herself as she is, playing the victim as soon as she hears a comment, and constantly criticizing everybody is infuriating, until it becomes just draining.
Rock-bottom self-esteem is my guess, not senility, because she's always been more or less this way.

I am not planning on inviting my mother to stay for a good long while, which may be difficult because I really miss my father and they always travel together. The last straw was when she invited us to her house last year for a long vacation, and then proceeded to berate us on a daily (hourly) basis for things we had done, or hadn't done, or which didn't even exist - she accused us of tampering with the fridge temperature and ruining her (2 week old, mouldy) vegetables, for example. All day drama.
She called my husband names, openly tried to get him to stay somewhere else, because he doesn't take any of her drama lying down and she thought she could better control the children and me without him.
If we opened our mouths, we were harassing her.
Then she would call all her friends and family to complain about us and play the long-suffering and unappreciated martyr. Thankfully, knowing my mother, they took it with a grain of salt, but still - not pleasant to have your own mother backstab you for no valid reason. I'm sure some of these people are thinking "no smoke without fire".

So we cut short our vacation. My children did not like their grandmother - the youngest one (2.5) said outright that she was mean.

Sorry - it's been a year, but apparently I still need to vent!

Oh, thank you all for the sympathy. It has me in tears. Being DCUm, I expected to be criticized. What a nice surprise, especially when my feelings are being ignored here.

Just one more day and night.

I guess I should let her help more. I have let her cook a bit since she is an awesome cook. I just didn't want her doing other stuff because she often complains about being tired. I can just imagine her sitting in a friend's house and complaining how she had to come here and do dishes and she is so tired ...

She is 79 and in good health. Yet often complains about various aches, pains and fatigue. She has complained about aches and pains for my entire memory. She is not grateful for anything. She complains about others all the time, even her supposed friends. A recent favorite was complaining about her longtime friend who had just lost her husband two weeks prior.

She started in on my 5 year old again this evening for "not coming to her." Then when I tried to explain why that might be, she said "fine, blame me, it is all my fault." These words have been uttered by her thousands of time. When I try and talk logically and explain someone else's position, she gets all passive aggressive.

The "what are you doing" comment was explained by her as she was expecting my older DD was going with her (not sure why). Even so, why the barking tone? And, no, she would never listen to a video of herself. She would rever to "fine, it's all my fault" talk.

To make me feel even worse, it is obvious to my kids how much she is stressing me out. Now that will affect their relationship more than hearing her bark comments at them.

19:39, I think I am where you are. I've just had enough.

Ugh, how awful.

I would lose my temper, and say that of she has that attitude she is not welcome in my house anymore... but I've taken years of abuse from my mother and I can't tolerate anymore.

No advice, OP, just wanted to say I can totally relate. My mother is the same, not a nice person, critical/complaining about everyone, unpleasant to be around, not a loving mother to us growing up/expressing her disappointment, etc. The only difference is that my mother doesn't offer to help me around the house. She expects to be waited on hand and foot. I try to minimize my time around her, but it's hard when I want to see other family members. At Easter I overheard her telling my toddler daughter to be careful and not hit her "big head." Eesh.

Yeah, give her some benign chores like sweeping. Acknowledge that she's going to be crazy as she ages and try to focus on the good, as hard as that may be. Run interference with your kids so they have a rosy picture of grandma long after she's gone.

Make sure your kids know that Grandma's grouchy behavior has nothing to do with them. Do you think if she actually heard herself barking at them, on video, she would get it?

Would she do a craft with them? Could she read to them? When you say that DD was ready to come on the walk and your mother said "what are you doing?", can you explain further? Was she asking why DD was coming along?

Your mother wants to help around the house. Let her. Maybe it will help her relax more or feel more at home. Maybe she's one of those grandparents who likes to be around the grand kids but doesn't like actually playing with them that much. See if you can figure out or even just directly ask her what she'd like to do with them.

Sounds tough, OP. Hang in there!!

Your mom (in her own way) wants to help. Give her a task to do.

And for gods sake, don't invite her back in the future.

Sorry op How long more until she leaves? And most importantly, how old is she? Unfortunately, in my experience, the bitchy/unpleasant types tend to live a looong life.

I'm not going to make it. My mother is visiting and she is a very unpleasant person for many reasons. The moan thing bothering me is that she keeps barking at my children things like "why don't you talk to me?!" Yet, when I suggest to my child bring a game to play with her, and he happily complies, she suggests he play it with his sister. When I ask my DD to accompany her for a walk and DD happily complies, my mom says in a barking tone, "what are you doing?" To her. There are more examples. My kids are not used to being talked to this way. When I say that was not a nice way to talk to DD, my mom gets mad and blames me for hurting her feelings. She has no sense that other people (like my 5 year old) have feelings, too. She is very pushy about "helping" me around the house but when I say that I will handle it -- I don't want her doing dishes on her visit- she just keeps asking and goes on an on about what she wants to do.

This is all in between listening to her complain about various friends and family members. When she is with them she complains about me.

The older I get, the more I see how awful she was to us kids growing up. Not physical but just highly critical, not affectionate, not loving, played favorites (wasn't me), and explicitly told us how we were disappointments (this only started when I was in high school or later but was frequently repeated). I now see how my anxiety/hyper vigilance came about or at least was exacerbated.

I want to have more patience and just tough it out but I am not good at not calling people out on stuff, especially when it involves my kids.

I am sure this was rather incoherent but just needed to spew!