Ask your sister what she did to get her to shower every day. Unless, your sister exaggerated a little to ease your worry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, I would have had strong words with her as soon as she started to smell, way back when.

But then we have that kind of relationship - I will never tiptoe around any issue, with any of my close family members, especially something related to health and hygiene.

So given the way your family communicates, I can't tell whether it's "simply" a falling/dizziness issue or a more deep-seated phobia. I strongly suspect the latter, however.

My rules, my house - if she wants to visit, she has to shower or bathe every day. I would be willing to bathe my mother myself, cut her nails, shampoo her hair, etc, if she could not do it herself in my house.

You have that rule for visitors? That seems so extreme to track your guests showering habits and insist they shower if they haven't.

You are willfully misunderstanding me and not looking good in the process, PP.

This is what I would do for my mother if she were so dirty that she smelled really bad and could not reliably wash herself.

Anonymous wrote:
Well, I would have had strong words with her as soon as she started to smell, way back when.

But then we have that kind of relationship - I will never tiptoe around any issue, with any of my close family members, especially something related to health and hygiene.

So given the way your family communicates, I can't tell whether it's "simply" a falling/dizziness issue or a more deep-seated phobia. I strongly suspect the latter, however.

My rules, my house - if she wants to visit, she has to shower or bathe every day. I would be willing to bathe my mother myself, cut her nails, shampoo her hair, etc, if she could not do it herself in my house.

You have that rule for visitors? That seems so extreme to track your guests showering habits and insist they shower if they haven't.

It doesn't sound like she smells yet. You are just anticipating that she will smell and are all worked up about it. Your anxiety and stress might make it even harder for her to shower. If she showered at your sisters - how does your sister approach it - does she ask her frequently about showering as you do, does she check the bathroom and towel and talk about when she will shower and what shampoo she will use?

I understand you don't want to be embarrassed but it could be the way you are going about this (and embarrassing your mother) is making her less likely to shower rather than more. I mean she barely walked in the house and you were sniffing her hair and handing her towels. That isn't likely to lead to her showering.

Well, I would have had strong words with her as soon as she started to smell, way back when.

But then we have that kind of relationship - I will never tiptoe around any issue, with any of my close family members, especially something related to health and hygiene.

So given the way your family communicates, I can't tell whether it's "simply" a falling/dizziness issue or a more deep-seated phobia. I strongly suspect the latter, however.

My rules, my house - if she wants to visit, she has to shower or bathe every day. I would be willing to bathe my mother myself, cut her nails, shampoo her hair, etc, if she could not do it herself in my house.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I doubt she's afraid of falling- she's only 62 and has been weird about bathing/showering for YEARS. Also, our shower actually has a handicapped bar b/c the former owners were elderly so she wouldn't feel unsafe I don't think. Regarding the "supervise" part, I tried that last night when I showed her everything and she just said hse'd rather do it when no one was home and I couldn't really push or argue at that point. I understand having empathy, I just can't find it for some reason, I think because this has been an issue for so long and I really just don't know how to help her/make it better.

I'm not understanding why you can't be direct with your own mother? Talk to her.

Don't say anything about the fact that she smells. Just say, "It's setting a bad example for my kids so I'd like you to shower every day while you're here. Do you need help? Because now is a perfect time for me to help you."

OP here. I doubt she's afraid of falling- she's only 62 and has been weird about bathing/showering for YEARS. Also, our shower actually has a handicapped bar b/c the former owners were elderly so she wouldn't feel unsafe I don't think. Regarding the "supervise" part, I tried that last night when I showed her everything and she just said hse'd rather do it when no one was home and I couldn't really push or argue at that point. I understand having empathy, I just can't find it for some reason, I think because this has been an issue for so long and I really just don't know how to help her/make it better.

Sounds like some kind of phobia/disorder. Encourage her to see a doctor.

Anonymous wrote:You need to try to come from a place of empathy rather than just annoyance and embarrassment. Is she afraid of falling? Is she dizzy? Is she not comfortable in your very small house? Can you discuss the issue rather than making it so much about what she's done to you?

That's what I was thinking. She might be afraid to fall, and embarrassed/ not ready to admit she needs help.

Totally get your frustration but please don't leave her a note. I find with stubborn people like that, that it is best to "supervise" them. I would tell her that everybody has taken their showers and it is time for her to take hers and that you will help her wash her hair or something.

I think you are going to hurt her or anger her. Can you take a step back and just tell her it's bothering you. Ask her why she won't. Be honest there's an odor. No details

You need to try to come from a place of empathy rather than just annoyance and embarrassment. Is she afraid of falling? Is she dizzy? Is she not comfortable in your very small house? Can you discuss the issue rather than making it so much about what she's done to you?

Too aggressive.

I posted a while back about the fact that my mother smells REALLY BAD. This has been an ongoing issue for years and when she visits (which is rarely) I get really tense and angry about it because I am embarrassed. She arrived last night after spending a few days at my sister's house. I called my sister ahead of time and asked her if she had been showering and she said "actually yes, she's showered every day and I haven't noticed any issues this time". So I was hopeful. Anyway, so she arrived last night and while I didn;t notice a bad smell, she didn't necessarily smell :fresh" either. Her hair was also in need of a shampoo. So, I showed her to the guest room and then said- here is a towel so you can shower tonight and shampoo and soap are in there so you can wash your hair. And she says "Oh, I'll shower tomorrow while the kids are at school and you guys are at work so I'm not in anyone's way". So I get home from work and I go into the bathroom and the bath is bone dry, her towel is bone dry and her hair is still dirty. I say "Mom, did you shower"? and she says "Yes". I said "What shampoo did you use"? and she says "Oh I had a travel one I used from a hotel". I wasn't about to call her bluff in front of my two kids but I could feel the anger rising because it's just so weird to me that someone would a. not shower daily, and b. lie about it. So I am at the point now where I am full of anxiety about the fact that she now smells and we have ONE bathroom in our place, I am mortified that she smells and I am sure my husband has noticed and the kids HAVE because my son asked why the house always has a "funny smell" when she visits So I was considering writing her a note and leaving it for her tomorrow that she can read in peace while we are gone at work/school so she can read it and react in private. What do I write????

Dear Mom,

The last thing I want to do is embarrass you or make you feel uncomfortable, but I have noticed the last few times you have visited that you have not showered regularly and you have not been smelling clean or fresh. The kids have noticed it and asked me too. Can you please shower and wash yourself well, shampoo your hair and wear fresh clothes while you are here? We have such a short time to visit and I don't want to spend it with everyone feeling uncomfortable.

Love,
Me

Thoughts?