Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not share any details with her. Bingo! She has nothing to comment on.

Ditto. Why can't DCUMers figure this out on their own?
It's a puzzlement.

If you read what I said, this tactic didn't work. When she visits, she snoops. Even a notation on the kitchen calendar about an early meeting is all she needs. My mother has badgered other family members for details about my life. Which she then comments on. I have asked my cousins and aunts to not discuss anything I tell them, but short of cutting them off, I can't guarantee she won't learn something. My mother would actually love it if I cut my cousins off because she has always tried to socially isolate me. When I was 5 she told me that my only neighborhood friend was not really my friend and only played with me because there were no other kids on the block.

Denial. Limit contact and don't let her in your house. How hard is that? Sheesh!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not share any details with her. Bingo! She has nothing to comment on.

Ditto. Why can't DCUMers figure this out on their own?
It's a puzzlement.

If you read what I said, this tactic didn't work. When she visits, she snoops. Even a notation on the kitchen calendar about an early meeting is all she needs. My mother has badgered other family members for details about my life. Which she then comments on. I have asked my cousins and aunts to not discuss anything I tell them, but short of cutting them off, I can't guarantee she won't learn something. My mother would actually love it if I cut my cousins off because she has always tried to socially isolate me. When I was 5 she told me that my only neighborhood friend was not really my friend and only played with me because there were no other kids on the block.

Anonymous wrote:Do not share any details with her. Bingo! She has nothing to comment on.

Ditto. Why can't DCUMers figure this out on their own?
It's a puzzlement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother used to be hyper-controlling, sensitive and narcissistic, but has somewhat retreated into herself with age.

Also, I have slowly distanced myself for years, physically (we're on different continents) and emotionally, to save my sanity. I refuse to befriend her on Facebook, for ex. She can argue what she wants on the phone, I can always hang up. I haven't had to do that often, but the mere thought of it calms me down and gives me more self-confidence to set boundaries.

Stick to your guns, OP. Limit contact and information. Refuse to explain yourself, do not be put on the defensive. Never apologize. Be calm and direct and say exactly what you mean to say. All the better if it brings on a crisis. It is the only way she can be made to respect your position.

I have one of those.

Years ago a therapist gave me the line, "Good thought. I'll remember what you said when I am making my decision."


YOu aren't dismissing the intention, or belittling her expertise, but you are claiming your destiny as your own.

I like this and will definitely add it. Thanks!

Anonymous wrote:"My field has some specialties that make that impossible"
"We don't have those options at my company/my level/my field"
"I know you have your views and I understand where you are coming from, now please allow me to make my decisions based on my personal needs"

or the all purpose

"My boss said no"

Thanks, I will try those.

I think she had a lot of disappointments in her career and thinks she can spare me the same with her advice.

Anonymous wrote:
My mother used to be hyper-controlling, sensitive and narcissistic, but has somewhat retreated into herself with age.

Also, I have slowly distanced myself for years, physically (we're on different continents) and emotionally, to save my sanity. I refuse to befriend her on Facebook, for ex. She can argue what she wants on the phone, I can always hang up. I haven't had to do that often, but the mere thought of it calms me down and gives me more self-confidence to set boundaries.

Stick to your guns, OP. Limit contact and information. Refuse to explain yourself, do not be put on the defensive. Never apologize. Be calm and direct and say exactly what you mean to say. All the better if it brings on a crisis. It is the only way she can be made to respect your position.

I have one of those.

Years ago a therapist gave me the line, "Good thought. I'll remember what you said when I am making my decision."


YOu aren't dismissing the intention, or belittling her expertise, but you are claiming your destiny as your own.

My mother used to be hyper-controlling, sensitive and narcissistic, but has somewhat retreated into herself with age.

Also, I have slowly distanced myself for years, physically (we're on different continents) and emotionally, to save my sanity. I refuse to befriend her on Facebook, for ex. She can argue what she wants on the phone, I can always hang up. I haven't had to do that often, but the mere thought of it calms me down and gives me more self-confidence to set boundaries.

Stick to your guns, OP. Limit contact and information. Refuse to explain yourself, do not be put on the defensive. Never apologize. Be calm and direct and say exactly what you mean to say. All the better if it brings on a crisis. It is the only way she can be made to respect your position.

I don't have a parent like this, so my viewpoint is of course skewed. I am sure it is very hard, but it seems to me that you engage a bit too much. I get she is probing and asking and pressing, but the truth is this isn't always about the specific issue and you're 1) never going to make her happy and 2) you can't change her. She won't ever stop.

So why not refuse to engage? Just agree with her and move on. You don't have to tell her she's wrong, or she's right or anything. Just, that's an interesting idea, I'll try it. How's dinner? And when she presses or whatever, just give vague answers, yep, things are great now!

It's totally inauthentic, of course. But it gets her off your back.

The harder thing - and probably better thing - would be to train her rthat you won't put up with it, as someone described above.

But I'm more a fan of the kill them with kindness approach.

"My field has some specialties that make that impossible"
"We don't have those options at my company/my level/my field"
"I know you have your views and I understand where you are coming from, now please allow me to make my decisions based on my personal needs"

or the all purpose

"My boss said no"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not share any details with her. Bingo! She has nothing to comment on.

I've tried this. She accused me of being passive aggressive. She also grills my cousins and other relatives for details from my FB. None of it is anything secretive or private, but she wants to give advice about everything so then she has ammo.

I know she means well in her own heavy-handed way, but I can't stand it. I only have a relationship with her at this point because she is less horrible with my kids and they would miss her.

OP, I'm no shrink, but you may actually be wrong here. To me, she sounds like someone who is bitter and has a lot of regrets in her old age, and wouldn't mind taking you down with her. Misery loves company.

Anonymous wrote:Do not share any details with her. Bingo! She has nothing to comment on.

I've tried this. She accused me of being passive aggressive. She also grills my cousins and other relatives for details from my FB. None of it is anything secretive or private, but she wants to give advice about everything so then she has ammo.

I know she means well in her own heavy-handed way, but I can't stand it. I only have a relationship with her at this point because she is less horrible with my kids and they would miss her.

Do not share any details with her. Bingo! She has nothing to comment on.

Oh my. My FIL is this way. Very extreme. He knows everything about everything and if you disagree you're stupid. There's no talking to the man at all. I say stop talking to her about these issues. Just politely say "Mom, I am not discussing this with you. Let's talk about something else or I will need to leave." It's the only way to shut her up. If she doesn't stop: Turn around and walk away until she gets it. If she's that far gone nothing else will work as anybody else's reasoning is inferior to her own in her mind anyway.

My parents are fairly wealthy and successful, and I always followed their advice during my teens and 20's. But they don't know everything, and that is becoming clearer and clearer as they age. What you do is politely accept the advice, and then do whatever you're actually inclined to do. Your mother is not in charge of you, even if she believes she is.

3 years ago, my mother gave me bad financial advice that I am still harmed by. I blame myself for following it just to shut her up, but it permanently damaged my faith in her as a source of advice.

Recently, she has begun badgering me with bad career advice. We were in the same general field, but obviously our careers haven't overlapped for long and my specialty carries some differences due to new regulations.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I can't do the crazy things that she wants me to do at work (supposedly to protect my position).I do not even want to discuss my career with her.

Part of the problem is that we argue about everything because if it isn't her viewpoint, it's not just wrong, but stupid, irresponsible, and quite possibly immoral.

She is overbearing in general and very angry that I am not falling over myself to do everything in life the way she has done it. (Please note that her career was not overly successful, her marriage split up, her health is poor, and her relationship with her family is strained at best.)

Complicating all of this is that she is starting to have age related memory issues so she swears that I have agreed to do things that I never ever would.

Am I fighting a losing battle?